Bestest Birthday Ever
by nonjon
Summary: ABANDONED. PostOotP. Harry's 16th Birthday is to be spent at Privet Drive. A visit from Tonks and then the Minister leads to some fireworks in Harry's usually quiet, peaceful life. HONKS.
1. Bestest Birthday Ever

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

_**Author's Note**: This takes place shortly after the events of OotP. It starts shortly after midnight on July 31st, the summer before Harry's sixth year._

_

* * *

_

**CHAPTER ONE – Bestest. Birthday. Ever.**

It was a dark and stormy night. A young man quietly contemplated his place in the world from the comforts of the littlest bedroom at Number 4 Privet Drive. He thought about his life and the trials he had been forced to face. He thought about the pain that he and those he cared about had been forced to endure. He thought a lot about Destiny and the idea that so much of his life is completely out of his own control. He thought about his fate that should be of his own choosing but Destiny seems to not even want to give him a choice. He thought about his godfather. And he got pretty damn pissed off just thinking about all this.

The young man yelled out at the night sky, "God damn you Destiny! You too Fate! My life is mine not yours! I'll do this crap but you OWE ME! Big time."

And if the young man knew how to speak sky, he would have heard a response from Fate. "Me? What did I do? It's my bloody sister's fault." And if peeking in on the Gods were possible, one might see Fate violently twisting her sister Destiny's ear while Destiny flailed her arms about yelling "I give! Uncle! Uncle! Yeesh."

That very same young man slipped back into his early morning's slumber.

Harry looked to his left. And then he looked to his right. And somehow from this managed to establish, that the Dursley's were not at home, he was free to actually watch some television, and he was definitely asleep and dreaming at the moment. The fact that all the pictures on the wall were of whales and giraffes was an obvious clue. He turned on the news first and saw a bulletin stating the President of the United States of America has issued a federally mandated new speed limit for all interstates, highways, local roads, residential roads, and even privately owned parking lots. Apparently, from now on the speed limit is 142 miles an hour. He was quoted as saying "Now come on people. Some of us have places to go. I mean shi-BEEEEEEEP" and here the news seems to have censored the rest of his statement. Harry had to admit there has been more than one or two times he felt awfully lucky to not be an American.

He flipped the channels a few times, nothing much catching his interest until he came across a history channel of some sort. The man on the screen looked an awful lot like Mr. Ollivander or at least related to him. Turns out his voice sounded just like him. "Tonight, continuing our examination of evil, we will further explore the truth and the lies surrounding the Dark Lord Slytherin."

Harry nodded to himself. "Yup. Asleep and dreaming."

Ollivander's evil TV-clone continued "Lord Slytherin, famous for helping found the school of Hogwarts, was not necessarily the evil and violent Dark Lord recent history paints him to be. He was a master practitioner of Dark Arts, a Lord through his own nobility, and he did hold significant animosity towards muggle-borns and muggles. But he never hunted them down or actively tried to even harm them. So though he was a Dark Lord by definition, it was by no means the same thing as what being a modern day Dark Lord constitutes. He certainly did not kill others the way recently Grindelwald did, or even Slytherin's most recent heir Lord Vold-BEEEEP"

Harry shook himself a bit. 'Definitely an odd dream.'

Bizarro Ollivander sat down in a wing-backed leather chair and proceeded to monologue about Lord Slytherin. "We've recently uncovered some personal diaries from fellow founder and Slytherin's best friend Godric Gryffindor. Apparently, in his youth, Lord Slytherin when addressed by friends was referred to by his middle name Snivellus. He detested his given first name, and with the help of his friend Gryffindor, Lord Slytherin broke into the Ministry's documents department and used a mild dark arts charm to manipulate his own birth certificate. He magicked the ink in two of the letters to recombine into a singular different letter. It is this startling discovery that we find Salazar was by no means his given name from his parents."

Harry's interest was clearly piqued at this and leaned forward.

Bizarro Ollivander also leaned forward and looked straight into the camera and said "That's right Harry, The man was born Saladbar Snivellus Slytherin."

All thought processes halted in Harry's mind and he quickly leant back on the sofa as his brain locked-up with this information and proceeded to snap with a twang like a rubber band.

The young man woke up in a cold sweat. He quietly thought to himself, "it's times like these I wish I had a mom."

He saw the sun was up and the young man headed downstairs to prepare breakfast for his loving family. He started the eggs and put the bread in the toaster before stepping out on the back porch. It was a bright sunny day. He took in a deep breath and let it out with a smile. "Today's a good day to turn sixteen."

He briefly wondered when he would get to see his friends, as he already knew the new mail wards blocked all owls his friends may have tried to send birthday greetings with. After finishing making breakfast, he filled up a plate for himself and went back up to his room. A decision between solitude and his family is not a very hard decision at all.

After he finished his breakfast he sat quietly in front of his window and watched the outside world thinking to himself.

Downstairs Vernon Dursley and his wife Petunia were eating their breakfast, taking turns muttering under their breath about "ungrateful whelps" and "worthless freaks." Finishing his breakfast, and preparing to head off for another long unfulfilling day at Grunnings, Vernon was interrupted by the door bell. Looking curiously at Petunia, he got up to answer it and was as shocked as he'd ever been. There, by himself, on his doorstep was Prince William. The bloody Prince of Wales.

William looked a bit nervous. "Umm... Hi! I really need to talk to Harry and I'm not sure when my bodyguards are going to catch up with me...so I'll just show myself to his room. Thanks."

As the young prince scurried by Vernon Dursley, he patted him on the shoulder. He had neglected to realize Mr. Dursley had actually already fainted; he was just so large, he'd maintained his balance in a dead faint. The soft pat though tipped the scales on that balance and sent Harry's Uncle Vernon crashing through the glass coffee table behind him.

William's eyes popped halfway out of their sockets and he found himself under the scrutiny of a Petunia Dursley scrambling out of the kitchen. When she saw the scene in the living room, and saw the young royalty who appeared to be the cause of it her shock was unable to be contained and it showed in the form of a quiet squealing bit of flatulence. All the blood rushed to her face as she reddened in embarrassment and her skinny form made her look like a matchstick. The wood-colored robe she wore only added to this appearance. Prince William looked her in the eye and shrugged. "Oops."

Unfortunately, Petunia did not have the mass necessary to maintain her balance, and when she fainted, she went straight back in the kitchen, smashing her on the kitchen table as well as her own breakfast plate. In a glorious bit of irony her earring caught on the tablecloth and she managed to pull the entire contents of the table down onto her unconscious body while she fell limply to the floor.

Prince William snickered and sung to himself, "my closest friend, linoleum."

Harry was so deep in thought he was completely oblivious to the rather interesting sounds coming from the living room and kitchen. Nor was he even aware when Prince William walked into his bedroom and walked right up next to him. He remained ignorant of his guest until Prince William took it upon himself to reach out and give Harry's bottom a good pinching. Harry yelped and his eyes widened as he realized he was not alone in his room. His curiosity turned to shock and then confusion at the apparent identity of his guest as well as the cause for him to be grabbing hunks of Harry's sweet, sweet man flesh.

"Wotcher, Harry."

"Tonks! What are you doing here and why do you look like Prince William?" Harry inquired as his heart rate slowed down and his shoulders sagged with relief.

The young metamorphmagus shifted her body back to a more comfortable form with pink hair, green eyes, and a tank top a few sizes too small for the chest she had. "Just wanted to drop in and say hi to the Dursley's and wish you a Happy Birthday Harry." She reached forward and hugged him, and Harry felt his heart rate jump back up.

This morning Harry had noticed some physical changes that he wondered if they might be magic related since it was the 16th anniversary of his birth. Because he was pretty sure he felt healthier than he had in a long time, and had grown 3 or 4 inches overnight. Unfortunately, a jump in his physical maturity does not in any way mean he acted more mature or for that matter had any clue how to treat attractive members of the opposite sex. Particularly ones he had frequent lurid fantasies about. Nor had he really ever known how most people show things like caring or affection or even begin to understand what love is. So you almost have to forgive the young moron when he blurted out "Damn Tonks, your nipples are so hard their poking me!"

Tonks hair seemed to deepen in color as it seems metamorphmagi really do blush all over. Harry's sense of propriety and decency caught up with him at this moment and he started to apologize but he was struggling to makes the gurgling noises coming out of his mouth into complete English words let alone sentences.

Tonks saw him struggling and decided some things can be easily excused for a birthday boy. "Settle down Harry. Let the blood rush back into your brain again before you try talking more." This comment did not help as the rush of blood sure enough went to his head, but it was more to color his cheeks than to provide oxygen so he could attempt any higher thought processes involving things like motor function. Tonks cracking up further compounded the problem both by deepening Harry's embarrassment and providing an especially attractive jiggle in some tank-top covering areas.

At this point Harry could only scowl silently and close his eyes as he waited for the auror to stop jiggling.

"Sorry Harry but I'll gladly poke you some more with my nipples if it leads to this much enjoyment." Both parties paused as they thought about ways that statement could be interpreted and decided it would be best to simply move on. "Anyways, just wanted to let you know, your talk with Dumbledore seems to have gotten a bit of a spring back in his step. Also I wanted to make sure you were ready for your meeting this afternoon with the Minister."

Just yesterday Harry had discussed Cornelius Fudge's future with his headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. And they realized that the best they could do now that he'd been open about Voldemort's return, would be to throw their support behind him, as he would be particularly dependent on their opinions as to whether he should continue on as Minister. The wizarding public seemed to be calling for his resignation after spending so much time and Ministry resources to try and control and discredit the two heroes of the light side, and he spent no time investigating the Dark Lord's return or preparing the Ministry for the coming war. Harry had asked Dumbledore to arrange a meeting with the Minister so he could decide if the Minster was going to be helpful or more a hindrance and that the illusion of stability in the government would not be worth the costs. And it was for this reason, that Harry was expecting the Minister to come by this afternoon at 3:00 PM.

Harry managed to keep eye contact with Tonks for almost a full second before responding. "Yeah. I've got a few bones to pick with that man. I figure it's worth my support if he can allow me to practice magic this summer and clear Sirius's name. Just a few questions under veritaserum for Lucius Malfoy or any other inner circle members should be able to do it."

Tonks winced a bit at her favorite cousin's name as she replied "Yeah, sad as it is, it does become easier to do posthumously." She was still a bit iffy mentioning his death, even though she had discussed the matter extensively with Harry. The young man was in the habit of taking on a ridiculous amount of unwarranted guilt.

Harry rolled his eyes at the emotions on Tonks face, and well in her hair too, and responded "I'll be fine Nymphie. I miss him, I love him, but even he knows I've got bigger fish to fry at the moment." Tonks scowled darkly at the nickname and wondered just how much she'd let him get away with on his birthday. And of course that led right into some of the very same lurid fantasies the young man had been having.

"Alright Harry, let's ease up on the nicknames. Dumbledore also wanted you to know your fireplace downstairs has illegally been setup on the floo. You can use it only in emergencies, and it doesn't allow travel. It can be used to firecall both the Headmaster's Office and Grimmauld Place." She tossed him a small purple bag of floo powder and stood up. "Now I've got to go run a few errands. I'll be back a little after four as I doubt you can maintain being in the company of our dear Minister for over an hour, and just because we can't take you away from here yet, does that mean you should have to spend your birthday alone."

Harry nodded with a smile, and at that Tonks hardened her nipples even more and hugged Harry again, being extra careful to poke him with her extraordinarily large, hard nipples as much as she could. She kissed him on the cheek and laughed at his rapidly paling face and "deer-in-headlights" expression, before apparating away. Harry noticed something funny in the air as she disappeared and thought he saw her magic in the air as it too seemed to swirl together and pop as she vacated the premises.

Dispelling the confusing thought from his mind, Harry decided to read up on some Defense books while he waited for the Minister to arrive. He went downstairs a little after lunchtime to make a sandwich and saw Vernon lying in the broken glass of the living room coffee table, as well as Petunia lying on her back on the kitchen floor with a fair amount of eggs, bacon, and grape jelly all over her face and upper body. Harry was beginning to think Fate and Destiny might be trying to make up a few things to him.

While putting away the lunchmeat and bread, Harry heard his obscenely obese cousin rumbling down the stairs. When Dudley came down to the living room he looked at the state his dad was in, the state his mom was in, and the fact that his cousin was merrily putting away the sliced turkey. Dudley's eyes went from Vernon to Petunia to Harry to Petunia to Vernon. Dudley smirked at his cousin and gladly reached into his unconscious father's pants and took out his wallet, emptying it of all the cash it contained, before turning and walking out the front door. Harry did not feel this was worth much thought grabbed his sandwich and went back upstairs.

Harry read up on defense until he heard the doorbell right at 3:00 on the dot. He walked downstairs and welcomed the Minister to his humble summertime abode. The Minister cast a fearful eye towards Harry as he spotted the large muggle he knew to be Vernon Dursley unconscious on the floor. He got even more worried when he saw Petunia Dursley lying on the kitchen floor with some purple goop smeared across her face and a fair amount on her freakishly long neck. The two aurors with the Minister followed him in and followed the two wizards up to the littlest bedroom of Number 4 Privet Drive.

Harry asked to speak to the Minister privately, and the two aurors agreed to wait outside the room. The Minister closed the bedroom door, and then cast some privacy charms with an oddly familiar looking wand. Harry felt like he should recognize the wand but he could not remember from where or why he would recognize the Minister's wand.

Harry made himself comfortable on his bed, while the Minister settled himself in his only chair. "So... ah ...Mr. Potter, what can I do to...I mean for you?"

Harry seemed to settle into the role of the one leading their conversation and asked "Well Mr. Fudge I was wondering what your plans are to combat Voldemort now that you've openly admitted his return?" Harry noted with no outward emotion the Minister did not flinch in the slightest at the name Voldemort.

The Minister seemed to be sweating, and adjusted his collar. "Hmm, well I'm not really sure what we can do. I mean he is the most powerful wizard in the world and he's immortal. In a lot of ways we're lucky to even be contemporaries of such greatness, don't you think?"

Harry narrowed his eyes and repeated Fudge's last statement over again in his head. Now Harry has never been accused of being too observant but even he smelled something fishy going on here. Harry looked deep into Fudge's red eyes, "Is that really how you feel Minister?"

The Minister seemed to squirm a bit under the young man's gaze and stuttered out "Well I mean naturally as a firm supporter of the cough light side, I am unable to feel anything but complete fear and panic at the almighty power of the Dark Lord."

"Wait just a minute!" Harry exclaimed. Fudge seemed to pale a bit and meekly kept eye contact with Harry. "How can we be proud to be contemporaries with an Immortal? Won't everyone from now until the end of time be contemporaries with him?"

Fudge's eyes showed relief and he let out the breath he did not realize he was holding. "Oh. Good point I suppose. I merely said that because my good friend Lucius said something similar. In truth I have no idea what the word contemporaries means."

Harry stared down the Minister thinking to himself 'Hmm...it does have a lot more syllables than the man is probably used to.'

"Anyways," Fudge continued, "I wanted to let you know I've already had the Office for the Improper Use of Magic exempt you from the underage magic laws. Wouldn't want any unnecessary alarms to go off you know."

Harry seemed a bit stunned at that. This was not going at all like he'd hoped or expected but it seemed he'd already achieved one of his goals. "I also wanted to discuss what it will take to get my godfather's name cleared."

Fudge appeared to be lost reminiscing about the past. "Ah yes. Sirius Black was powerful and from such a good Dark family. Such wasted potential. But until you can get Wormtail into court and confessing under a truth serum I'm afraid there is little I can do to help you."

Harry narrowed his eyes even more. "How did you know his nickname was Wormtail?"

Fudge looked panicked and seemed to be grasping at straws at that comment. "Lucky guess?"

Harry stood up off the bed and seemed to back away from the Minister. "What's wrong with you Mr. Fudge?"

At this Fudge seemed to shift from worried to resigned and stood up sighing. "Ah crap," he drew his strangely familiar wand and quickly yelled "Imperio!"

Harry was unprepared and the spell hit him right in the gulliver. It seemed that Fudge was even stupider and weaker than he thought, and Harry had thrown off the unforgivable before he even realized what had happened. He whipped out his own wand and cast a bright and fast stunner that caused the Minister to crumple to the floor in a particularly unflattering spread eagle pose. The two aurors burst into the room and looked shocked at the sight of their Minister laid out on the floor. The one on the left cast some dark purple hex Harry did not recognize while the one on the right cast a cheering charm at Harry. Dodging the first one, and just gaping a bit stupidly as the second one crashed into him, Harry felt a mild sense of satisfaction wash over him. He then quickly cast stunners at both of the aurors. The first man put a quick and sharp shield that the stunner just slammed straight through with a flash of light before knocking the auror back into the hallway unconscious. The second auror was in the midst of casting another cheering charm it seemed, as he tripped forward and caught the stunner coming his way right on the top of his head. He seemed to just belly flop straight on to the floor.

Harry's mind was just beginning to process that the Minister had cast an unforgivable on him, and he'd proceeded to attack him as well as two aurors. After ten minutes of indecision and no apparent comments from any Order guards or anyone else, not to mention he was alone in the house with 5 unconscious people who all seemed to hold him in contempt, Harry decided that this just might in fact constitute an emergency, he grabbed the purple bag of floo powder and was about to go downstairs to firecall the Headmaster. Taking a closer look at the two aurors Harry cast a Finite Incantatem on them and saw glamour spells fade to reveal that the first auror was none other than Severus Snape. Doing the same to the second shocked Harry greatly as the glamour revealed the second auror to be the Minister Cornelius Fudge. "Well then who the hell is that!" Harry thought looking at the man he had thought to be the Minister. Just for good measure, especially since it seemed he had in fact been made exempt from the Underage Magic laws if the lack of owls or notices was any indication, Harry went ahead and stunned the man who had acted like Minister Fudge five more times. As he passed the real Fudge and the greasy git known as his Potions Professor, he decided to stun them both a couple more times each too.

"Hogwarts, Headmaster's Office" Harry yelled into the fireplace when it turned green. He stuck his head in and saw his headmaster walking around his office in the nude.

"Oh hello, Mr. Potter. I was not expecting any visitors today, so I apologize if my attire unsettles you." Harry felt a little ill when he realized the headmaster was not completely nude. He had on a pair of woolly socks that looked suspiciously like the old ones from Uncle Vernon Harry had given Dobby for Christmas.

"Sorry to interrupt you sir, but I've kinda gotten myself into a bit of a pickle over here. I could use your help if you could please come over here A.S.A.P. And please respect my aunt and uncle's wishes that this is not a clothing optional home. They certainly did not appreciate last time you came over."

Albus looked at Harry seemingly trying to judge just how urgent this emergency was. "Alright. I will get dressed and be there as quick as I can."

Harry looked immensely relieved and nodded a thank you to his headmaster and pulled his head out of the fireplace. He turned around and yelped again when he saw his headmaster had already arrived and was standing behind him.

Albus Dumbledore looked around the living room and saw Vernon Dursley had crashed through the coffee table and Petunia seemed equally indisposed in the kitchen. "I can see you've had an interesting afternoon here, Harry. Would you mind telling me how this happened?"

Harry seemed unconcerned about this and quickly stated "Oh no, the Dursley's I could care less about. Not sure what happened to them, but I think Tonks might have an idea. No, sir, my problems are upstairs."

Albus raised an eyebrow at this and seemed to recall how uneventful life was before he got to know Harry Potter. He seemed to have far too many days like this one was beginning to appear to be like. It felt like every time Harry managed to get himself in a pickle, Albus got another year older. In the past 5 plus years Albus suspected he'd aged about seven decades.

"Well you know how the Minister was coming over to talk today?" Albus nodded indicating he wanted Harry to go on. "We were just talking civilly and carrying on when he kinda sorta snapped and maybe slightly cast imperio on me."

At this statement Albus took in Harry's physical appearance and realized he was a good 4 inches taller and looked much healthier than when he saw him yesterday. "You didn't kill him, did you?"

"No! Nooooo!" Harry looked aghast. "I only hit them with stunners."

Albus eyebrow twitched as it was still already raised. "Them?"

"Well he's the Minister. Or rather I thought he was so I never questioned the two aurors who came with him. I was about to firecall you when I got even more confused because I discovered the two aurors with him were another Cornelius Fudge and Snivellus"

Albus frowned. "_Professor_ Snivellus, Harry."

Harry's lips quirked at that and didn't feel like correcting the Headmaster on that one. "Why don't you just come take a look please?"

Albus walked up the stairs and immediately noticed the Snape shaped dent in the wall opposite Harry's bedroom door. He saw Snape obviously still stunned laying on the ground, not far from a belly flopped Cornelius Fudge who appeared to be napping if the goofy look on his face was any indication. Further into the tiny bedroom Albus saw another Fudge, though this one somehow seemed even more lifeless. Albus took a look at the wand next to 'auror' Fudge, and the wand next to 'Minister' Fudge and gasped in shock.

"Harry I recognize both of these wands, and I'm nearly sure this 'auror' is the real Minister Cornelius Fudge. I'm a bit surprised you do not recognize the other Fudge's wand."

Harry approached the 'Minister' Fudge and looked at the wand. It appeared to be approximately 13 inches…..perhaps made of Yew. "Holy Canoli! Is that Voldemort?"

Albus looked on a bit confused and nodded. Harry responded by stunning Voldemort a couple more times.

"What do we do with him? And how the heck did my stunner knock him out so quickly?"

Albus turned to Harry. "I've got a theory. I'm going to put up a shield and I want you to try and stun me. If you do stun me, please Ennervate me immediately," hr explained with a smile.

Harry obliged by saying "Stupefy" with a normal voice, and watched as his stunner slammed into a bright white shield that shattered with little hesitation and slammed into the Headmaster's gut. Harry grabbed a camera and took a quick picture. Quite frankly, Harry's resume was really beginning to look impressive. His marauder genes were kicking into overdrive with the advent of puberty and he was quite proud to be the only student in school, and perhaps history to thoroughly trash the Headmaster's office. And to manage to pull it off without any disciplinary action against him. Now on top of that he can add "Knocked him out with one spell" to the list with the pictures to prove it.

After an Ennervate seemed to re-energize the old man, he jumped up and seemed a little too happy. "Oh Harry do you realize what this means!"

"No sir, I haven't the first clue, but apparently my magic has gotten a lot stronger?" Harry ended with an obvious questioning manner.

"Exactly my dear boy. Today is your 16th Birthday. There have been many wizards who receive a sort of magical growth spurt on that day. Tom Riddle I believe grew an inch overnight and I myself noticed a difference in the power of my spells too. You just seem to have taken a significantly larger jump than anyone could have expected. Or perhaps has taken ever."

Harry looked at him with a blank expression.

"Harry this is great news! For me! You are certainly not as skilled or intelligent as many wizards-" Here Harry was tempted to sputter indignantly but decided to hear out the crazy old coot. "-but I have no doubt you are definitely the most powerful and perhaps still growing in power too."

Harry look a bit frightened and appalled at that thought.

Dumbledore continued "And that means they will stop calling me that! And you can properly take your place as the leader of the light, and you can start up your own Order of the Phoenix if its needed again and people will look to you to solve their problems….Oh my dear you've made me so happy."

Harry's face continued to scrunch up in pain as he groaned with each statement the Headmaster made.

"I can see I'm not exactly bringing you joy with these latest revelations, so I will desist for now and leave you to enjoy the rest of your birthday. I will take Tom with me, and I suspect the Wizengamot will want him put to death, although as many stunners as you have hit him with, he may not wake up ever. I will also treat both Professor Snape and Minister Fudge as criminals until they can be properly questioned."

Harry's eyes were a bit glazed over now and he was just nodding dumbly to whatever Dumbledore was saying.

"This is a glorious turn of events Harry, and as a birthday present I will put off any questions or responsibilities from you until at least tomorrow. I will not restrict your movements and you may go and spend the day as you wish. Tomorrow we will have a proper birthday party for you and we can deal with everything we will need to then."

Harry continued nodding his head up and down even though there were not things for him to be agreeing with at the moment. "Happy Birthday Harry" and with that Albus grabbed a hold of Professor Snape, Cornelius Fudge, and Voldemort and portkeyed away to a secure portion of the ministry. His last thought before he left was "I hope Harry didn't pull a muscle in his brain."

Harry then proceeded to try and process all the information in his head. He went to sit by his window and watch the outside world again. He once again was completely oblivious and as such never heard the doorbell ring. Considering the Dursley's were still unconscious, no one answered the door, so Tonks let herself in. She made her way up to Harry's room only to find him lost in thought staring out the window again. She walked up next to him and pinched a healthy chunk of sweet Harry flesh again. Harry didn't yelp or jump or show any sign of surprise. He just slowly turned his head towards the young woman in his room and smiled.

"You have moved from this windowsill haven't ya Harry? How'd it go with the Minister?"

Harry's smile faltered a little and said "It went better than I expected actually. Want to go for a walk?"

Tonks gave him a bright smile that eased a bit of Harry's confusion by pulling away some of that extra blood pumping through his brain. "Dumbledore say you can go out for a bit?"

Harry smiled a genuine smile and said "Yup. He said I can do anything I want for the rest of the day."

Tonks seemed to get a bit excited at that prospect, "That's brilliant Harry. Let's go for that walk."

"So it went better than expected? Does that mean Sirius got his posthumous pardon then?"

Harry frowned a bit in thought and said "No, unfortunately. But I can do magic without worrying about being underage now. That's really good. And I caught Voldemort."

Tonks smiled up at him "Congrats Harry. No more warnings from Hopkirk's office for you. That's gotta be a load off. And you caught –"

Here Harry once again heard the sound of a twang like a rubber band and luckily he caught the fainting Nymphadora Tonks.

Harry cast an Ennervate on her and she looked at Harry like he was absolutely insane. Harry thought 'Crikey! Already they're treating me like Dumbledore!'

"Harry…did you say you caught-"

"Yes I did. But I don't want to talk about him. And it's my Birthday so we won't."

Tonks continued to look at him like he a few fries short of a happy meal before she shook herself, smiled and said "Okay, Birthday Boy, you're the boss. Hows aboot that walk now?"

Harry nodded and the two headed down the stairs. On the way down they heard Vernon and Petunia beginning to stir. Tonks quickly shifted back into Prince William and the two of them walked down the stairs holding hands. They turned and smiled back at dear old Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon before turning to walk out the front door. Harry had his arm across Williams back, and William had his arm reaching behind squeezing one of Harry's juicy asscheeks. The sound of a pair of matching 'fwump's' as the two Dursley's passed out again brought smiles to both Harry and William's face.

Shifting back into her more familiar pink hair, green eyes, tight tank top look, Nymphadora Tonks had a feeling of contentment to be in Harry's arms and to have a handful of Harry's bum.

They walked a little ways in silence before it was broken by Harry looking over at Tonks and saying "Nymphie, I won't pretend to even have a clue what love is or what it feels like, but I want you to know when I look at you, I think an awful lot of naughty things."

Tonks seemed to like the sound of the nickname this time if her response of blushing and smiling rather than anger and hexing is any sort of a proper indication.

"That's good Harry, because I think a lot of naughty things about you too."

They both had self-satisfied smiles and smirks now. Harry looked briefly up at the sky wondering if Fate and Destiny had answered his call last night and realized he didn't really care.

"Awesome."

_**

* * *

Author's Note**: This story was a one-shot that at first ended here, but since it was my first attempt I couldn't help writing more chapters despite not having a plot. This is now an abandoned first attempt at fanfiction. Nevertheless, reviews are still much appreciated._


	2. Goodbye Mr KnowWho

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER TWO – Goodbye, Mr. Know-Who**

The Dark Lord Voldemort started to regain consciousness as the Headmaster and a dozen aurors seemed to repeatedly cast Ennervate.

"1-2-3...Again!" And thirteen voices could be heard in unison chanting "Ennervate"

The Dark Lord had been slightly stirring for the last five minutes, and it seemed he was beginning to piece together the events that led him into this position.

'Memories. Come on windmills of my mind, get in gear!' Voldemort thought. 'Let's see, what has happened. The Fudgey informed us he had a 3:00 meeting with The Boy and said he could lead us straight into his childhood home. Then Severus came up with a brilliant plan to finally rid the world of the brat. I could pretend to be the Minister, walk in with a couple of the Minister's aurors, then cast Imperio on The Boy, and make him take a long walk off a short pier. So simple and yet so flawed. Luckily I pointed out it would be made easier if I didn't take actual ministry aurors with me but rather evil puppies transfigured to walk and talk like aurors. Severus, always so quick on the uptake, suggested that he and another Death Eater go and that _they_ could impersonate the aurors. Unsurprisingly the MotherFudger immediately volunteered since he was supposed to be in that meeting anyway.'

"Now how the heck did that lucky brat usurp my genius again!"

The Dark Lord quickly ascertained the fact that he said that last statement aloud as the aurors seemed to jump back and finally stop casting Ennervate at him. He locked eyes with the Headmaster.

"Tom I'm afraid you will be placed under veritaserum and we will question you in front of a full Wizengamot. Your wand has been confiscated and you will remain in magicuffs until your punishment has been decided."

An imposing looking large auror stepped forward and said in a deep voice "Lord You-Know-Who, you are under arrest for too many crimes to even mention, so we're just going to let you confess under a truth serum, and then figure out what to charge you with then."

The Dark Lord had a bit of a panicked look on his face that almost looked humorous given his wide red eyes and lack of a nose. 'Well crap. This ain't good.'

The Headmaster just looked deeply disappointed in him, though he did seem to have a bit of joy stirring behind his eyes. The Dark Lord remembered the Headmaster's promise that there were things much worse than Death, and started to get a bit fearful imagining some of these things. Severus in a thong was at the forefront of his mind.

"Perhaps we could negotiate my sentence in exchange for complete cooperation and every name I can come up with?" the Dark Lord inquired.

The aurors looked around at each other curiously. 'This is the most feared Dark Lord in centuries? Really?'

The Headmaster answered for them "I'm sorry Tom, but your crimes are too serious to be bargaining with. The only thing I can promise you is a swift and painless death."

"I'll take it!" the Dark Lord exclaimed, and smiled inwardly at his negotiating skill. 'Rather unlike Albus to fall so quickly into my trap, but I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.'

The Headmaster had his mouth quirked in a ghost of a smile and left to make sure the Wizengamot was assembled and ready for the Trial of the Century.

* * *

The Head of the Wizengamot banged his gavel and called for silence and order. Two of the smart-aleck members asked for ham-on-rye as expected and the assembly was softly chuckling at themselves and beginning in its usual fashion. 

Supreme Mugwump, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore looked down at his court briefing and announced the beginning of the case. "The current Minister of Magic is being held for questioning at the moment as his authority is appearing somewhat suspect. It is therefore my duty, as Head of the Wizengamot, to temporarily assume control for at the least the duration of this trial. Bring in the accused."

The Dark Lord sauntered in with a smile knowing he would get his swift and painless death and need not fear Severus or Severus's underwear fetish any longer.

Albus looked a bit exasperated and read aloud, "the Ministry of Magic versus Lord You-Know-Who. Honestly people are we really filing his official name as Lord You-Know-Who?"

Someone out in the galley yelled out "Well he's not really a Lord is he?"

Someone else from an opposite side responded, "Fine Mr. You-Know-Who. Let's get on with this."

The Headmaster shook his head wondering if the ridiculousness of this situation somehow was also attributable to Mr. Potter.

"Very well, Mr. Know-Who. Please take a seat," the Headmaster resignedly stated.

"Albus, please, call me You. All my friends do," the accused requested.

"Alright, You. Now due to the sheer volume and number of crimes committed by You, we are foregoing any specific charges at the moment and will simply question You under veritaserum to ascertain what charges to use in order to give You the swift and painless death You agreed to accept."

The majority of the Wizengamot was now thoroughly confused as to whether they were being addressed or the accused was.

Albus took the lead on the questioning, "Please administer the veritaserum."

Three drops were placed on You's tongue and he swallowed. A glazed over look appeared on his face, and his eyes seemed to be less intense red, and honestly they just looked pink.

"Please state your name for the court's records."

"I am the Dark Lord Voldemort. I was born Tom Marvolo Riddle, but most often my friends call me Master, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Mr. Know-Who, or just plain You."

A number of people gasped at his first announced name, but felt a little foolish as they listened to the man continue.

"Are you guilty of murder?"

"I've done my fair share of ethnic cleansing. By this court's silly little laws, I suppose they do count as murder, Yes."

"How many murders have you committed?"

"I cannot say for certain as there were many I assumed died, but given The Boy's response to death, I have some doubts these days. Best guess is around 42,691 if you count muggles as murder. Though only about 2,500 of them were magical."

Some of the crowd seemed shock while the others looked at them wondering what rock they'd been hiding under for the past 20 years.

"Any other significant crimes?"

"I suppose some creatures' genocide, rape, racketeering, burglary, and well just about anything you can imagine I've done. I mean I am a Dark Lord."

Albus looked a little ashamedly at that statement. He seemed to have forgotten that fact, since no Dark Lord in history has ever been put on trial for his crimes. They all perished in battle, refusing to go without taking as many as possible with them. Of course none of the previous Dark Lord's had to overcome what appeared to be at least 8 of the most powerful stunners in wizarding history.

The questioning continued as You freely gave up all his future plans for World Domination, as well as the details to minor plans that were already in motion. He provided the names and locations for all his Death Eating servants as well as bases of locations and sources of funding. Albus was a bit surprised to hear the Dark Lord knew that Severus was a spy, but seemed to believe that Severus was a double agent, loyal to him. Albus was not sure what to think of that, as he believed the exact same thing.

The entire Wizengamot was shocked to hear that after seeing the Dark Lord in the Ministry back in June, the Minister, Cornelius Fudge, approached You-Know-Who to seek out a truce, and ended up a loyal follower. "When he saw how I treated my favorite female pet, Bellatrix, he decided then and there that he wanted to be just like me. As I understand it he sometimes calls Madame Umbridge 'my little Trixie' in their private moments" the Dark Lord explained still under the effects of veritaserum.

The members of the Wizengamot most familiar with Undersecretary Delores Umbridge all found themselves able to taste their own throw-up in the back of their throats.

Once all the questions they could come up with were answered, Albus, as previously agreed upon, led You to the veil of Death in the Department of Mysteries. You seemed to have made some semblance of peace with the dark forces he had sold his soul too and was ready for his own next great adventure.

As per his last request, You was able to acquire a swim cap and some goggles. The swim cap seemed particularly curious since You was already bald and had a shiny pale domed head. No one seemed to want to question this as they allowed the Dark Lord to suit up, fix his goggles location so he could see properly, and then wave to the aurors present and the headmaster before jumping headfirst into the veil in a dive.

The people present merely watched in shock as he disappeared through the veil, though they swore they could here a thud as something landed on something else really hard. The final end of Dark Lord Voldemort was official once the veil seemed to cough and hack and a swim cap and some goggles were spit out.

Albus left the room with bittersweet thoughts as to how he had failed one student so much, but then again Lemon Drops were truly delicious.

_**

* * *

**_


	3. Just the Good Old Boys

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER THREE – Just the Good Old Boys**

Dumbledore and the administration for Magical Law Enforcement (MLE) sent out several teams of aurors to capture and confiscate all the other Death Eaters and contraband revealed through Mr. Know-Who's testimony. While more and more arrests were going to be made this end of July evening, Albus Dumbledore had some more pressing responsibilities.

After closing the book on Tom Marvolo Riddle with an ending so baffling even the headmaster's head hurt thinking about it, Dumbledore headed into an interrogation room, where Minister Fudge was resting comfortably. Or so they assumed as they had yet to break through the stunner he'd been hit with a few hours ago. The Wizengamot assembly had already closed and as such this was an internal investigation for now, that almost certainly would end with a new Minister of Magic for England.

After falling into a pattern of casting Ennervates on the seated and bound Minister, Albus started to think about the past few hours in relation to the past few years, and wondered what the future would hold. 'You take the good; You take the bad; You take them all, and there you have: The Facts of Life. Mm-hmm. The Facts of Life. Uh-huh…'

Albus thoughts were at this point interrupted by the awakening of one Cornelius Snivellus Fudge, who immediately began sputtering, "What's going on? Why am I tied up? I am the Minister of Magic!" before the rotund little politician noticed he was alone in the room with the man he believed to be the most powerful light wizard on the planet.

"Albus! Albus, umm, what ever are we doing here?"

Albus merely put on his disappointed face and looked down on the bound man, letting out the occasional audible sigh. In truth, his mind was scrambling to remember more lyrics to American muggle sitcom theme songs, and decided to wait it out and see how much his 'disappointed grandfather' look could do before he went so far as to open his mouth.

Cornelius Fudge took one look at the old coot's face and knew he was in serious political poopy. Just exactly how much poopy and what kind of poopy he would try to determine from Albus. "Listen, Albus, I'm sorry. I don't know what you must think of me, but before I properly express regret and remorse you must tell me for what reason we are here."

Albus let out a "tsk, tsk" and just shook his head with disappointment etched into his features. No anger or rage or even signs he was upset, just disappointed. If you looked closely you could see a little twinkle in his eye that was singing "…the license plate said 'Fresh' and it had dice in the mirror! If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought 'Naw, forget it! Yo Holmes, to Bel Air!'"

Cornelius was lost. He figured might as well start grasping at straws. 'I remember Potter and the Dark Lord and Severus and …' that was all he remembered. "Look, I had no idea the Dark Lord was going to kill Potter. He kidnapped me and put me under Imperius! I had no choice, Albus. You must believe me."

The look on Albus's face was beginning to look tired. Like he knew everything the Minister was spouting was nothing but lies. Shaking his head with a look of disgust, he was subtly tapping his foot thinking 'Making your way in the world today, takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure could help a lot.'

"Are we looking at losing my position in the ministry here?" the frightened portly man asked.

"Wouldn't you like to get away?" Albus calmly asked.

Cornelius looked at the old man fearfully. "You think I'm going to prison?"

"Do you want to go where everybody knows your name?"

"Azkaban? Not Azkaban!"

"Where they're always glad you came?"

"Please Albus I wouldn't last a day there!"

"You're going to be, where you can see, your troubles are all the same."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever you ask. Give me veritaserum. I'll tell you where Delores hides the house-elf porn. Please just-" and it was at this point the former Minister broke down into unintelligible sobbing.

Albus let a small smile crawl onto his face and thought 'Woody Boyd, my friend, you never fail to break them.'

A quick dose of veritaserum and a recording quill took down all of Mr. Fudge's statements, including the little moments where he could only cry and mumble "my poor little Trixie."

After taking care of the rest of the business required to assuage the public that Albus will be able to handle temporary Minister of Magic duties until a proper election can be held, he left the broken, weak, little Fudgey in the capable hands of the aurors and filed the paperwork for one more of tomorrow's trials.

He then moved on to the next interrogation, and most likely the last one for today. One which he was not looking forward to: his seemingly faithful and trustworthy spy, Potions Master Severus Saladbar Snape.

When he entered the room, there were two aurors already present standing quietly at the back. Severus was awake, although it appeared someone had drawn on his face while he was unconscious. Above his right eyebrow, someone drew another arched eyebrow, as well as a dimpled shadow at the corner of his mouth. As such, the man seemed to be permanently sneering and arching a curious eyebrow. Albus decided he would be best served withholding this information from the Potions Master.

Once Severus's eyes met Albus's he got a relieved look on his face and exclaimed "Thank God you're here Headmaster. No one will tell me what's going on and why I'm being detained."

Albus did not look comforting or reassuring at all in his response. "I'm afraid I'm going to need to ask you some questions under veritaserum before I can brief you on today's events. First, what is the last thing that you remember?"

Severus paled immediately and slowly responded "The….the last thing I remember was jumping in front of Potter's stunner."

Albus arched an eyebrow at his Potions professor, and merely pulled out the veritaserum rather than ask any more questions that would get only half-truths as answers.

Snape realized he was probably screwed, so he just cooperated and swallowed his three drops.

Albus began, "Let's try again; what is the last thing that you remember?"

"Running into Potter's bedroom, seeing the Dark Lord on the floor, casting a mild castration hex that Potter dodged, and then my shield breaking under Potter's stunner."

Albus's eyebrows jumped at the concept of _mild_ castration. "Are you a Death Eater?"

"Yes."

"Are you a loyal Death Eater?"

"No."

"Are you a loyal Order member?"

"No."

"Have you lied to me about the Dark Lord and Death Eater activities?"

"Yes."

"If forced to choose in this war, whom will you be most likely to stand by in the final battle?"

"Whoever appears to be the most likely winner. If Potter is the hope of the light side, I expect it will be the Dark Lord."

"Did you teach Mr. Potter any useful occlumency?"

"No. The Dark Lord ordered me to loosen up Potter's mind, so he could break in more easily."

"Do you hate Harry Potter?"

"More than anything."

"Do you respect me?"

"Less and less each day you put faith in Potter. He will be the end of us all."

At this point the two aurors in the room were cracking up, guffawing, pointing at Severus, and enjoying this interrogation far more than they should have been.

"Have you committed any crimes for which you could be sentenced to Azkaban?"

"No."

Albus sighed, and though he felt a little relieved at that it did nothing to help the feeling of betrayal he had. It seems like he discovers a new failure concerning Harry every day.

At this point Albus filled in Severus on the majority of the late afternoon and early evening's events. "Now that it seems you aren't going to prison, and I assure you, you _will _be relieved from your position at Hogwarts, what do you plan to do?"

"I am going to do something about this horrid tattoo on my arm, and then stew in my own hatred of all things Potter until I die a bitter lonely childish man."

Albus nodded and thought that sounded like an excellent future for his former spy. He handed him a fresh bag of lemon drops. "Goodbye Severus. You are beyond my ability to help. Or maybe just beyond my own willingness." And with that turned and left the room with a fresh spring in his step, humming a bit of 'Weasley is our King.'

Once Severus was released, he quickly exited the Ministry, holding his head high, complete with extra eyebrow and permanent sneer. He could be heard quietly cackling to himself. 'One day soon, they will all rue the day they crossed me. And on that day, I shall smirk and sneer at them! One day they will all tremble at my super potion power and might. I swear, on my magic, they will learn to fear SNAPERMAN!'

People could been seen keeping clear of the snarky, sneering man hopping down the street trying to make his robe flap in the air like a cape.

* * *

Harry felt almost like giggling. He'd never felt so content. Voldemort was out of the picture. No immediate threats on his life in the foreseeable future. And he was walking around with a tender but taut young asscheek of his resting comfortably in the palm of Nymphadora Tonks. He thought Sirius would be damn proud, that at sixteen he had attracted the attention of his most supremely yummy cousin. Harry was sure he was going to go serious full-time all out Marauder on the school now for the next two years. He had a legacy to live up to. 

Nymphie and Harry arrived at their apparent destination of the park in Little Whinging. She took Harry's hand and led him over to a pair of swings. Half the time, it took all her concentration not to grab Harry by the shoulders and shake the shimmy out of him and scream "What the hell happened today? Voldemort's gone! You caught him? What? How? TALK!" and the other half the time she just wanted to grab Harry by the shoulders and just press her entire body against him, relax her metamorphmagus muscles, and let her body just mold to fit against him. Then hold on tight and not let go for a long time. Usually she would snap out of those thoughts before the drool actually fell out the corner of her mouth.

After some swinging where Harry tried to impress Tonks by getting really high, he managed to kick up a large pile of dust and gravel and choked severely on a large rock. Harry noticed Tonks was lacking some in the sincerity of her concern for his well-being as she tried to stifle her laughing and snickering but she was unable to conceal her body's movement that Harry elected to term his favorite jiggle.

An awkward silence where they both looked at each other like a couple of baboons raised in captivity seeing the jungle for the first time took the two morons about 7 minutes before they snapped out of it. Clumsily leaning forward, going purely on instinct, they both leaned forward to kiss. Unfortunately, in cases like these, they both have rather awful instincts. Fortunately, Harry is the luckiest bloke in the world, and escaped this situation unscathed. Initially at least. Their lips met, their eyes closed, and the two young idiots stuck their own emotional necks out into the guillotine and actually managed to pull off a pretty damn impressive first kiss. They both relaxed completely into thoughts of the other.

For the duration of the kiss, which they kept their eyes closed was pure bliss for both of them. The moment, for Harry, was completely broken when he opened his eyes and screamed and yelped like a scared little girl. The moment, for Tonks, was broken while her eyes were still closed but she felt Harry jump away and she heard a scream that decidedly sounded like a terrified small child.

The problem arose you see when our young metamorphmagus truly relaxed into the kiss. She has never before quite put her all into a kiss like this one, and in doing so, allowed her concentration not exactly to slip. More like her concentration got a little confused and divided. But apparently when her concentration became less focused on holding her form, and more focused on this amazing young wizard slapping his wet lips up against her own, her concentration mixed a couple of small signals and filled in the blanks on its own with the best solution it had from the available options. And it was for this reason when Harry pulled away from the kiss he was quickly repulsed to find out he was snogging with his own twin.

Tonks felt her heart implode at the look of revulsion on Harry's face. He looked awful peaky and seemed to be gagging a little.

Finally, Harry managed to get out, "Tonks, why the hell do you look like me?"

Tonks all of sudden snapped back to reality and noticed what she'd done. She quickly switched back to her pink-haired green-eyed normal self around Harry and began to apologize. "Harry, I am so, so sorry. You just completely fried half my brain with that kiss and all I could think about was you. My form slipped into you because that was all I could focus on. Damn kid, that's some magical mouth there!"

Harry blushed and seemed quite relieved at that. "I'm sorry Nymphie, it's just I've got no problems with homosexuals kissing other homosexuals, but the idea of me kissing myself, not that I'm not an attractive manly man, well it made me throw up a little in my mouth. And then that sensation made me think of another, and that made me throw up a little more. And right now I'm still feeling a little nauseous and think I'm ready to walk back to my room."

Tonks fought to not smile at Harry's discomfort. "Completely killed the mood pretty quick on ya, didn't it?"

Harry reluctantly agreed, shrugged, and smiled at Tonks as he threw his arm around her shoulder again in preparation for the walk back. Tonks reattached her hand to his buttock and they began the trek to Privet Drive.

"You know, thinking about your morph, even with the switch to my face, I think I could have overlooked it enough, as long as you still had the boobs." Harry remarked with a faraway smile and a nod.

Tonks gave him a little squeeze and said "Always keep the boobs. I'll remember that."

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry swore he saw Tonks chest get a little larger and her shirt get a little tighter. He just shook his head and smiled, as she leaned her head onto his shoulder.

'Mmmm. Boobs.'

_**

* * *

**_


	4. Malfoy and Malfoy

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER FOUR – Malfoy and Malfoy**

Draco Malfoy knew his father was in prison and it was up to him. He was required to assume the position of Head of the family. If the death of Sirius Black is true he might even be the Head of two families. And all that meant he was to follow in his father's footsteps. As he prepared himself for what he expected to be a supremely significant meal, he was completely oblivious to the rest of today, July 31st's events.

Looking at his dinner, two cheeseburgers, fries, and a side of Death, he began to embark on the next step to what he felt would be his destiny. Deciding it would be difficult to swallow Death without anything to smooth the taste and help him gulp it down; he remembered the ketchup packets in his pocket. Unfortunately, those useless filthy muggles at the restaurant neglected to place imperturbable and unbreakable charms on the packets. His hand came out wet and coated with a sugary sweet tomato paste.

And it was here that the aurors burst in, stunned him immediately, and took him back to the ministry for questioning.

"We got him boss, caught him red-handed even, right as he was about to eat dinner." The muggle raised aurors there snickered to themselves; mainly because they knew the others completely missed the irony.

"We got something concrete to charge him with?" Kingsley Shacklebolt inquired.

"Well, it's clear he had every intention of being a Death Eater. I mean just because we agree Harry Potter is not a clone of his father, doesn't mean this one ain't. You never know when you're dealing with slimy homosexual ferrets."

Kingsley was well aware of this auror's hostility towards and unnatural fear of ferrets. He assumed it was some bad memories from auror training. Mad-Eye Moody had a habit of finding the small, cute, furry animal that inspires the most fear in each particular person. Goodness knows, Kingsley cannot even see a bunny without having to fight the temptation to dropkick it hard. Or at least half of it.

"Well, lets see what he's done and what he knows."

After administering the veritaserum, and working their way through some of the usual questions, they got to the important ones, and found out nothing that would help their case. It turns out, this was Draco's first time, and they managed to stop his meal before he became a Death Eater. He was going to put off his marking until after Hogwarts. He had not done any crimes worthy of Azkaban; he was just merely an insufferable little crybaby. Spying on Potter, spying on Dumbledore, cheating at Quidditch, cheating at school, reporting everything to his father. Nothing that surprised any of them. The aurors knew they did not even have cause to bring Narcissa Malfoy in, as she never openly supported the Dark Lord or became a marked Death Eater. She simply supported her husband and avoided all the murdering, the raping, the stealing, and the eating death. A nibble off your husband's plate would never hold up in court anyway. She seemed to be a pretty stubborn and faithful wife and mother, a fact that raised a few eyebrows among the aurors. They were shocked, appalled, and a little reluctantly stimulated to learn that she still breastfed Draco.

Reluctantly, the aurors decided to keep Draco a day or two just for kicks. They planned to officially fine him as much as they could and would surely submit all their findings to the Hogwarts Board of Governors, who would determine if his status as a student would continue.

* * *

Harry Potter woke up early in the morning August 1st, feeling more refreshed than he ever had before. He slept soundly without visions force fed into his mind, nor nightmares haunting his dreams. He mainly dreamt about rolling hills and mountains, smokestacks expunging thick smoke, trains speeding in and out of tunnels, and a pink-haired nymph that lived in his bellybutton who liked to jump up and down a lot. He realized it was all nonsense and neglected to make any correlations, though apparently the same couldn't be said for all parts of his anatomy. 

When he finally felt like he should face the world out there, he slowly opened his eyes and saw this morning's Daily Prophet open to page 6. There was picture of a particularly ugly, hunched-over man sneering, and you could see his lips moving appearing like something along the lines of "…will all rue the day they crossed me…" The man seemed to greatly enjoy the word "rue" if you watched the picture, because each time he said it, he seemed to stick out his lips and purse them like a chimpanzee and repeat "rue" with more ferocity. Any issues his morning slumber had with his anatomy were quickly resolved by a wave of nausea.

A closer look at the paper showed the page 6 article was about his potions professor at Hogwarts, S. Saladbar Snape. A brief glance through the article and he discovered the man was not only a disloyal Death Eater, not only a disloyal Order member, but also and more importantly unemployed. In a day sure to be filled with many more birthday presents, this was a great one to start with.

His happiness faded a bit as the wind blew the paper closed and Harry caught the front page headline, written in huge letters: **Boy-Who-Lived Defeats You-Know-Who Again! For Real, This Time, We're Pretty Sure!** Next to it there was picture of him smiling devilishly and winking. He sincerely regretted not killing Colin Creevey when he caught Harry with his camera doing a Gilderoy Lockhart impression. The picture's caption read: _Lord Potter celebrated his 16th birthday in style by capturing and defeating the Dark Lord, as well as one of his faithful servants, former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge. _Harry could only groan and mumble about how this was going to affect him. He realized even in his mind his thoughts could only groan and mumble, with the occasional grumble, as he wondered where they came up with _Lord_ Potter.

His musings were interrupted by the arrival of the Headmaster and Tonks into his bedroom. The Headmaster smiled brightly seeing the paper in the young man's hands, and Tonks elected to express herself by running straight at the boy and wrapping her legs around his waist in a hug that sent both them crashing onto the bed. Tonks saw the usual glee, fear, lust, embarrassment, shock, and happiness flashing through his face while his hormones seemed to have placed him in a temporary body bind. She seemed to feel more complete and like a giggling school girl whenever she was in his presence. Like most school girls do, as Harry liked to imagine, she stood up on the bed straddling his belly and jumped up and down in joy. Harry had the feeling he was not going to be able to get through this day with much dignity intact. But for the sight in front of him, this was well worth any price.

Hormonal-induced euphoria was quickly ended for the two young smitten morons when an old man cleared his throat. "How are you feeling this morning, Harry?"

"Kinda like a balloon that really needs to stop inflating. My bursting is inevitable, its just a matter of how big my explosion will be, Sir." Harry answered honestly.

The Headmaster gave auror Tonks a sharp look and she meekly got off the young man and settled comfortably on the edge of the bed next to him.

"Hands to yourself, witchy woman!" the old man sternly stated. His mouth seemed to twitch when he added, "at least in my presence, please." His eyes seemed to darken and narrow as he looked at the young man next to her and he added a "for now" under his breath. Harry felt a little scared seeing his Headmaster's bedroom eyes.

"Anyways Harry, this morning, I bring good tidings and cheer. I have procured the pardon of your godfather after many Death Eaters captured last night testified under veritaserum to Peter Pettigrew's continued existence as a Death Eater. He has not been caught but at least now Sirius can be seen as the hero he was."

Harry seemed caught in emotions and simply said a quiet "Thank you, Sir."

"This makes the morning even more productive, as we can take you to Gringotts where you can accept your Potter inheritance, and we can officially read Sirius's will, which very well might affect your inheritance."

"My inheritance, sir? What do you mean?"

"Well Harry, in the wizarding world, among most pureblood lines, a wizard in a direct line of ancestry receives his formal majority on his 25th birthday, unless there is no current Head of the Family. In those cases, a young man may become Head of the Family as young as his 16th birthday."

"Is this why the paper called me Lord Potter?"

"Exactly, my boy. But as with being the Head of the Family comes all the responsibilities of that position. You must negotiate the marriage contracts, manage all the finances, including monthly stipends to members of the family, as well as provide for all the members of your family, and of course eventually produce your own heir to continue the tradition."

Harry's head seemed to get a little heavy at the thought of being responsible for so many other people and he was stuck in a daze until the headmaster added, "of course since you're an orphan and all members of your father's extended family are dead, being Head of the Potter clan should be a bit easier than most."

Harry at first brightened at being freed of the responsibilities he thought he had a second ago, before his face fell into a deep sadness. This was a sadness only another orphan could ever understand. At least adopted kids _knew_ that their real parents didn't want them or love them. Orphans had no idea what was so freakishly wrong with them.

"Not to fear, Harry. If the will reading goes as I suspect it will, you will also be the head of the Black family. Whereupon you can reinstate Andromeda Black-Tonks to the family, and negotiate a marriage contract for Nymphadora here."

In a fitting response it seemed all the blood fell from the young man's face as he paled every bit as much as the young woman next to him blushed.

Sure enough, after the will reading at Gringotts, Harry was the sole heir to Sirius Black and was to be the the Head of the Black family as well as the Potter family. A ridiculously rich, powerful, and smitten young Lord Potter-Black left the bank with the Headmaster and Tonks and proceeded to Grimmauld Place for some lunch and birthday cake.

Arriving at Grimmauld Place, they discovered many of the charms protecting the house had fallen upon the acceptance of a new Head of the most Noble and Ancient Family Black. Realizing it mattered little, with the defeat of the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters, the three made their way to the kitchen. Molly Weasley saw them enter, and she immediately shrieked like a banshee, sprinted over to Harry, and hugged the bejeebus out of him. Apparently the rest of the house became aware of the new arrivals as they all came downstairs when they heard the wailing. Congratulations, thanks, and birthday wishes came pouring in from all directions and Harry was doing his best to keep himself from crying at the love and affection everyone was giving him. After all, he's not a sissy boy. Tears are a symptom of wussiness, and he was not going allow himself to come down with a case of delicate femininity. Smiles, brief one-armed hugs, and lots of deep throat-clearing sounds were his choice for acceptable responses.

Hermione Granger was the first to bring up the apparent physical changes in him, which were explained to be the result of his magical growth spurt. She then asked, "Well that explains the height and the muscles, but why do you look so smitten and happy?" Tonks apparently could smell a catfight a coming, and decided to go practice walking past the troll-leg umbrella stand, while Ginny Weasley tried her damnedest to stair holes through Tonks retreating back.

Harry blushed, avoided people's eyes, and stated "I got Voldieshorts, Snape got fired, and Sirius's name has been cleared. Shouldn't I be smitten and happy?"

Hermione responded to the challenge "Yeah, you should. But that doesn't explain the lust in your eyes." Before looking up thoughtfully and adding "At least I hope it doesn't."

Ginny chose this moment to add to the conversation. "I think it's safe to assume it has more to do with Tonks quick tactical retreat than Snape's underwear fetish."

Hermione and Ginny realized that the land they had marked and protected from all other Hogwarts' girls had been swiftly overcome by overwhelming outside forces. Ginny felt a bit melancholy although not so much she didn't appreciate the fact that the boy was smiling and happier than she'd ever seen him. Hermione could tell immediately Operation: Smoking Potter was a failure, and launched her own hungry eyes onto her backup plan, Operation: Food and Sex.

Ronald Weasley was truly happy for his best mate. 'Voldie's gone. He's not going to touch my sister. And Hermione is looking at me like I look at a bucket of chicken. Lucky bloke scored an older woman, who's an auror, and can change into anyone he wants her to be. Almost is a shame he's too stupid, err excuse me, noble, to take advantage of that. Ah well. When are we eating cake?'

Harry, proceeded to stare at his feet and shyly mumble things like "she…..pink hair…..kiss my twin...naughty and naughty…..bellybutton" before Ginny and Hermione rescued him and explained it aloud so that he only needed to nod rather than enunciate clear English sentences.

Harry had a complete thought just now and chose to voice it, "Where's Kreacher?"

Ginny wanted to respond as it seemed Hermione was a bit distraught at that question. "Ahh, see there was a minor problem. Apparently Mundungus found the life-sized house-elf shaped chew toy that Buckbeak likes so much, so he returned it. Turns out, there was a stray _Petrificus Totalus_ Moody shot off when the wards around this place collapsed this morning. Long story short, Buckbeak has already been fed for today, never actually had a chew toy, and it's probably time you got a new house elf."

Harry smiled at the righteousness of the situation and decided to ask Dobby about working for him. Unfamiliar with the magic of house-elves, he was not prepared for Dobby to appear right in front of him.

"Greatest Wizard Harry Potter sir!" was all that could be understood before Dobby's voice was muffled by clutching Harry's leg so tight you would think the antidote was in there.

Dobby leaned back and smiled with immense pride as apparently he caught a case of delicate femininity and the tears came pouring down. "You want Dobby to be your house-elf, Greatest Wizard Master Harry Potter Sir?"

Harry could only smile and shake his head at the young elf's enthusiasm and apparent lack of concern for showing so much emotion. "Yes Dobby, I would love to hire you to work for me, and to be my friend, not my enslaved servant."

Hermione's demeanor finally brightened at the way Harry phrased the request. Dobby only looked supremely confused. He was torn between complete joy at being the Greatest Wizard Ever's friend, and disappointment that he did not want to bond with him.

Dobby looked a bit sad and said "Master does not wish to perform the House-elf bonding ceremony, Greatest Master Sir?"

Harry inquired why Dobby was so hesitant, and though it took a while, what with all the tears, and the leg hugs, and the frequently repeated _greatest'_s, _sir'_s, and _Dobby'_s, he did get a proper explanation. Apparently, House Elves magic is directly tied into their bonding to their Master. And as such both Dobby and Winky have been weakening for years now. Hermione felt appalled and ashamed and Harry thought that that was deservedly so.

Harry immediately agreed to bond with Dobby if that was what Dobby really wanted. If he truly is Dobby's friend there's no way he could deny the little guy. He was about to voice aloud the same offer to Winky, when she too appeared and could do nothing but cry and hug his leg. Dobby seeing this response, latched himself comfortably onto the other leg, and advised Harry to walk them both to a more private room so that they could bond.

Walking through the main room, on the way upstairs, Tonks smiled and mentioned to Harry "You seem to have got a bit of elf stuck to your legs."

Winky seemed to know she was being made fun of and narrowed her eyes at Tonks and said "You's better treat Master well or Winky swears to Merlin, Winky gonna to open up a can of whoop-"

"Winky!" Harry exclaimed smiling and leaning forward to look down at his knees. "She was just teasing us." Harry got moving again and said suavely "Come on guys, let's bond."

Tonks could only look a bit frightened at the little elf. The smiles that came over Dobby and Winky's faces could've brightened Azkaban.

The house-elf bonding ceremony had a couple of steps to it, some of which took a bit of time, so the three were in the den with a silencing charm around them for a good half-hour without interruption. Or before interruption would be more accurate.

* * *

Narcissa Malfoy was furious. Her little Drakey-poo was stuck in a ministry holding cell still and had been since last night. And now she finds out, that her son is in fact NOT the Head of the Black family! This is unacceptable. A filthy halfblood claims to be the Head. Okay sure, sure, he beat up the Dark Lord. So he wasn't helpless. That does not give him the right to take what is rightfully her little Drakey's. 

It was at this time, she realized she completely recollected her family's ancestral home. The Fidelius that must have been guarding it was gone now. Now she just needed to turn on her natural allure or maybe just yell her head off until the lawyer's finish drawing up her appeal. She apparated into the bedroom she shared with Trixie when they spent time in the Ancient and Most Noble House. She was screaming her head off demanding that 'Potter' come out this instant. Her niece Nymphadora informed her that he was busy in the den and not to be interrupted. Narcissa was born a Black and was not about to wait around for this.

Perhaps she would have been better off if she had waited around for this. But alas, no one's ever accused any Malfoy of being patient.

Harry had just linked his magic with both Winky and Dobby, and now was going to lock the procedure through a subservient bond of some sort. Honestly, he had no idea what he was doing. He just did what Dobby told him. First he bonded with Winky, and Winky nodded immediately and frequently indicating she knew exactly what Master wanted and could manipulate her elf magic far more powerfully now. She felt healthier and better than she could ever remember. As Harry again prepared the same spell, he was unaware someone had just burst through the den door, but once Narcissa entered the silenced area and her yelling could be heard, he freaked out and jumped back. Unfortunately the final binding aspect of the ritual had already shot off his wand to complete the ceremony. But with his attention divided, his aim was a bit off. He managed to nail Mrs. Malfoy right in the left breast with the spell. Dobby jumped up to help and then sat back down feeling a little woozy. But Narcissa Malfoy took the spell in the chest and her eyes rolled back into her head as she quickly fell to the floor unconscious.

Confused and scared Winky and Harry both had no idea what to do. Luckily it was Dobby who, though disoriented, was able to provide some useful information. "Greatest Master Ever Master Harry Potter Sir! It worked! Dobby feels Master's desires and Dobby's house-elf magic is singing to Dobby! But something feels very different. Dobby wonders…. Master Harry, order Dobby to do something!"

Harry thought briefly and said "Drop and give me twenty push-ups, now soldier!"

Dobby's face lit up like Rudolph and he responded with a smug smile "No, thank you Master. Dobby thinks Dobby won't do that" And then Dobby's face quickly fell and he looked scared "unless of course Master wants Dobby to, Greatest Wizard Master Ever Sir."

"No, no Dobby, I just made that up. So what does this mean?"

"Dobby feels no compulsion to obey Master sir. Dobby is Master's elf, You is Dobby's Master, but also, now, Dobby is FREE!" Harry could only laugh as Dobby was doing cartwheels around the room. Including over the unconscious Mrs. Malfoy.

"Dobby would apologize and ask for punishment, but Dobby can tell Master's just as happy about this as Dobby is!" And then the little house-elf began doing back handsprings around the room.

This time when he landed a back handspring his weight went right into Narcissa Malfoy's stomach, she let out an "ouffff" and begun to wake-up. Harry still had no clue what happened but it seemed to make Dobby awfully happy. Mrs. Malfoy shook her head to get rid of some of the confusing thoughts and feelings she had, before she locked eyes with Harry.

"Cissy is a bad elf!" she exclaimed before jumping up, running full speed into the wall, and knocking herself unconscious again.

_**

* * *

**_


	5. A Legacy to Uphold

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**  
CHAPTER FIVE - A Legacy to Uphold**

Albus Dumbledore was relaxing in a study on an upper floor of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. His mind was full of thoughts, primarily based upon the young enigma known as Harry Potter. He had already given him a birthday gift, but he wanted to do something more for the young man. He knew how much he hated his fame, and though he was unable to help him out with the majority of that, he did have one idea. He was contemplating obliviating Harry of the knowledge that Harry helped stop and capture Gilderoy Lockhart from obliviating Harry. Albus could then claim that he was the one who stopped the evil make-up wearing missing memory man. Luckily even Albus knew better than to tempt fate with _that_ one. His musings were interrupted by some familiar bellowing from somewhere downstairs.

"Headmaster! Headmaster! Barmy Old Coot?"

Albus wasn't sure how he felt about the respect he seemed to command in Mr. Potter. "Yes, Harry?" Albus yelled back.

"I did it again, Sir. In another pickle!" was yelled throughout the house.

"Is this a pressing matter?" Albus responded with a slight smile. Yelling can be quite exhilarating.

Harry responded back, "Umm, no Sir! She's unconscious!" Albus sighed and heard Harry continue "…again." Albus quickly found his happy place.

"Who are we talking about here, Harry?" Albus inquired.

"Mrs. Malfoy, sir. Or I guess you could call her Cissy, the house elf."

You hear a lot of things in over a century and a half of living. The number of surprises you can find in life are never ending, they just become more infrequent. Unless of course you can count Harry Potter among those people you regularly interact with. And for the first time in his life, Albus considered taking up alcoholism as a hobby.

Apparently it seemed many people were eavesdropping on their conversation, as you could hear a number of thumps, fwumps, twangs, exclamations of "What!", and a smattering of applause too all throughout the house. Albus was a bit perturbed not to hear much laughter, but that quickly ended as people arrived into the den and seemed to guffaw instantly at the sight.

After settling people down, and getting to hear the story from Harry, Dobby, and Winky, Albus decided the best thing to do would be to wake Mrs. Malfoy and see what she had to say about this.

After moving her to the couch, Albus resuscitated her, and inquired "How are you feeling Narcissa?"

She looked up towards Albus Dumbledore and started to cry. "Cissy be bad! Cissy came here wanting to hurt Master!" she blubbered out before grasping onto the Headmaster for dear life and bawling her larger, more bulbous eyes out. Unfortunately no one noticed her reach around the Headmaster, grab a candlestick and proceed to punish herself for being a bad elf. Three good smacks in the form of self-induced bludgeoning to the head and Albus Dumbledore found himself clutching onto a yet again unconscious, but attractive 36 year old woman who thought she was a house elf.

Albus was at a loss. From his understanding of magic, this was completely impossible. Obviously the woman had acquired the mentality of a house elf, and most likely was bound to Harry as her master, but he had no idea the effect it may have had or may continue to have on her magic. Did she have house elf magic? If she was freed would she suffer any detrimental effects? Can she even still be recognized as a witch and not property now if she were freed?

His musings were interrupted by the catalyst of this latest pickle.

"Umm, sir?" Harry inquired. "Can I keep her?"

* * *

The man solely recognized by his public identity of Severus Snape arrived back home and ventured down into his self proclaimed Snapecave. 

"Damn that Potter!" he exclaimed repeatedly.

He paced around in his anger thinking. 'I _am_ glad the Dark Lord is gone, and I _suppose_ it's for the best I don't have to deal with goody, goody Gryffindors anymore, but still!'

"Damn that Potter!"

You see this bitter childish man was not always this way. Oh no. He was once a young man with hopes and dreams. He wanted to carry his message of Slytherin and snarky sneering Snapeish superiority all across the world. All the plans in his youth were stopped by those dashing young Marauders. It was in the fall of 1991, when he first met the Marauder spawn known as Harry Potter. And it was at this moment the Snaperman was born.

It wasn't even until a little over a year later that he got another world domination plan close to fruition. He had developed a potion that would render the entire castle stuck thinking with a Slytherin mindset. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. All he needed was some shampoo and boomslang skin and the potion would have been done. Unfortunately he had to venture out into the muggle world for the strange and exotic substance called shampoo, and when he got back someone had stolen boomslang skin from his private stores. He couldn't ever prove it, but he knew exactly who took it. Oh yes, he knew. 'Gryffindor's Golden Boy always has to save the day. Rotten rubbish brat useless ingratiating whelp…'

When that plan failed miserably he began working on his next plan. It was two years later, or approximately a year and half ago. While the rest of the world was busy watching the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Snaperman developed a potion that would make him the supreme commander of all the grindylows in the world. Just as he was about to conquer all the insignificant Potters of the world, his potion became destroyed when he did not have the adequate amount of Gillyweed available. Someone stole from him again. And it did not take a brilliant Potions Master to figure out whom. 'Goody goody, holier than thou, thinks he's better than us…'

But what Snaperman did not know was that he was wrong. He was horribly, horribly wrong. And he had no idea, that his real arch-nemesis had just foiled his plans for the first time. The first of many.

* * *

"You wish to keep her?" Albus asked. 

"Yes sir. I have a number of ideas, where it would be quite useful to have Cissy around. I mean, certainly there are some things she can do, that my other two elf friends cannot." Harry kept his mild-mannered face in place, even though inside his mind was dreaming up schemes to eventually drive Draco to his own special room in St. Mungo's.

Albus pursed his lips thoughtfully, looking right at Harry to try and determine his motives. Harry may not have realized it, but with his magical growth spurt he seems to have instinctively made an Occlumens shield that was as far as he could tell completely impenetrable. The innocent look on the boys face wouldn't fool anybody, but there honestly wasn't a whole lot that could be done. There were so many unknown factors in this situation. Finally Albus thought ahead to what Harry's final two years at Hogwarts would most likely do to the Headmaster.

Albus responded with a resigned look on his face and sheepish shrug. "Meh." He then proceeded to the kitchen and grabbed himself a bottle of firewhiskey.

Harry couldn't take it and one of the most evil scary grins swam across his face before he realized everyone was staring at him with wide eyes. He quickly reassumed his innocent look, grabbed his unconscious Cissy by the hair, and dragged her up to his room. The crowd in the den shifted only to watch him go and remained silent, listening to each thump her limp body made as it was dragged up the stairs.

Harry's head peeked around a corner at the top of the stairs and he looked at the still stunned crowd. "Hey Tonks, Hermione, Ron, Ginny. You guys coming?"

This snapped them all back into motion, as the four mentioned hurried up the stairs and the rest of the people just left the room shaking their heads.

"All right guys. Now that the whole Voldie situation has been cleared up, I think it's officially time that the new generation of the Marauders reasserts control of the school. There were four of them, all Gryffindors, and during their school years they were the best of friends. Hermione, Ron, Ginny it is our duty now to live up to my personal legacy."

"Hell yeah!" Ron exclaimed.

"Language!" Hermione scolded though she was nodding in accord.

"Friggin' sweet!" Ginny exclaimed.

Hermione really wasn't sure if she should scold for that language or not.

Tonks smiled and looked happy and said "That sounds great, Harry! But I'm not sure exactly why I'm a part of this new generations founding meeting."

Harry smiled at her. "Oh, I know you're not a student, so you cannot be an official Marauder, but having you around helps me think up the naughty stuff. That and you can help me train up Cissy back there." Harry said pointing over his shoulder at the slightly bruising but still unconscious house woman elf.

Tonks mind hung up on the naughty stuff and started thinking about what kind of training Harry's newest bonded would be getting and was unconsciously blushing. A lot. She snapped out of it when she realized Ron was snickering and everyone else was staring at her.

"Harry! You know you cannot keep a slave! You've got to free her and help her out." Hermione self-righteously exclaimed.

Harry tilted his head a bit and said "Honestly Hermione," Ron seemed to hmmph indignantly at Harry's foray into his own trademark response. "You know I'm not going mistreat her….well too much. And you know what she's done and believes. She's the one who ran barging into _my_ home in the middle of a ceremony I was performing. She brought this on herself. And once I tell her to stop punishing herself, it doesn't seem to be hurting her."

Hermione remained firm, "But Harry, she has free will and should be free to use it. I mean for God's sake she IS a human being!"

Harry seemed to shake his head. "No Hermione, she's much more than that. She's a Black, of which I am now the Head of the Family, and should be held accountable to me. She was partially my responsibility before she became my bonded house elf. But far more importantly, we absolutely _must_ remember she is, also, … Draco's Mum."

Ginny and Ron broke into similar evil grins. Tonks could only shake her head at the fate that had befallen her officially favorite aunt. Of course considering her Dad was an only child, and her only other aunt killed Sirius, it wasn't exactly a title worth too much respect. Hermione seemed a bit more reticent than the others but even she couldn't contain all the giggles and cackles escaping her.

Harry looked to his team and said "Alright guys, we got one month before term starts. We need to become animagi, get our nicknames, and start stockpiling prank plans. This is almost going to be too easy, and I almost wish Snivellus hadn't been fired, but we still have plenty of targets. My initial impression is that we should kick off the welcoming feast by pranking the professors."

Hermione looked horrified at the thought, but knew she was outnumbered and outgunned here.

"Now how about we get some background information on our overall target number 1: The Ferret."

Ron looked at Harry questioningly, "What do you mean?"

Harry smiled and said "Ron do you remember the last time you wet the bed?"

Ron quickly blushed, looked away, and shook his head.

Harry was staring intently at his Cissy and said "Well, I'd imagine that's something a mother would surely remember."

* * *


	6. Talon Licking Good

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SIX – Talon Licking Good**

The kids and Tonks all decided they needed to have a more in depth conversation with Cissy. And Harry needed to tell her to stop punishing herself. Maybe even inquire and see if she was still somewhat Narcissa Malfoy and not just Cissy anymore. And perhaps, just maybe, if there is time, inquire into all the embarrassing behavior of Cissy's only child.

They set her on the couch and moved all the blunt objects in the immediate area away. A quick Ennervate and Harry immediately said "Cissy! Stop!"

The effect was lessened when they realized the Ennervate did not work.

The second one did though and Harry managed to keep her from knocking herself out. Cissy sat up on the couch and awaited her Master's commands with wide anxious eyes.

"Alright, Cissy, no more hurting yourself." The woman nodded her head several times with a big smile. The rest of the people in the room just watched her enthusiasm bubbling up. Although Ron may have been focusing his eyes on a more specific pair of her enthusiasms.

"We need to talk to you, to figure out what has happened, and if it can or should be fixed."

"Okiedokie, Master" she responded and seemed to not care or notice Ron's wayward eyes.

Tonks smiled at this response. 'She just might be the Aunt I always wanted.'

Harry started the questioning, "First off, you know you are Narcissa Malfoy, right?"

Cissy had a confused look at her face and pointed at herself. Ron's eyes were focused intently on where she was pointing. "Me Cissy, Master's House elf, Master. Cissy used be Narcissy Malafoy, but now Cissy not being Malafoy. If Cissy not being Master's, Cissy be Narcissy Potter, as Cissy belongs to Master, right Master?"

Harry was quite visibly unable to take that all in and responded with a startling "Aaaahh!"

Hermione seemed to think perhaps Harry leading the questions was bad idea. Partially because as Cissy's Master the responses may be a bit skewed. And partially because he's, well, Harry.

She spoke up, "Cissy, do you remember the responsibilities you had as Narcissa Malfoy?"

"Yes'm Miss Ganger. Cissy had to brush Cissy's hair every night. And umm….wait for Cissy's Drakey-poo to need Cissy."

Hermione wasn't too thrilled about being called Ganger, but thought Cissy had successfully covered the majority of responsibilities a woman like Narcissa Malfoy had.

"Oh! And of course make Cissy's Drakey-poo's momjuice."

And already the kids and Tonks had hit the point of too much information. Fearing anything further that Cissy might over share, the kids and Tonks decided to get a Charms Master to take a look at the bonds and try to determine if it could even be broken and just what would happen if Harry were to give her clothes or otherwise try and break the bond.

Harry spoke up "Ummm, okay. Cissy why don't you wait here, make yourself comfortable and we're going to find someone to help us."

Apparently Cissy read a bit more into Harry's comment to make herself comfortable, and decided she wanted out of these witch's robes and into an outfit befitting a house-elf. With a smile and a snap of her fingers her robes completely disappeared and she was wearing only a used threadbare pillowcase with large holes through the top and two sides for her head and arms. Unfortunately it was not the largest pillowcase, nor made of the most solid material. In fact the frontal strain on the pillowcase made it pretty much entirely sheer. This problem seemed unimportant though compared to the fact that her new outfit did not even reach her bellybutton. And everyone in the room, at that moment knew Narcissa Malfoy was not a natural blonde. The day's events were taking a toll on the kids and Tonks, who were unable to keep their eyes away from this most unexpected turn of events. As such they all seemed to just stare in a fascinated horror at this essentially naked beautiful older woman, who had a smile on her face that only a happy house-elf with a pleased Master could wear. Ron seemed to break the complete silence and stillness when he muttered out a barely audible "homina." Harry seemed to shake his head, turned to Tonks and tackled her to the ground in a forceful kiss.

Looking away from Cissy and keeping his eyes focused on Tonks, Harry requested that Cissy change into something that would cover all of her womanly parts and naughty bits. With another snap of her fingers she was instead wearing a pair of Daisy Duke cut off jean shorts, and one of Harry's annual Christmas Weasley jumpers. His first year's if the pressure on the stitching was any indication. The kids and Tonks managed to tear their eyes away and quickly exit the room. Never once did the smile on Cissy's face falter. Nor Ron's.

Tonks suggested tracking down Professor Flitwick, as she had a feeling the Headmaster would not be in a particularly helpful mood. If the yelling they heard from the kitchen was to be trusted, it sounded like Albus Dumbledore made for an angry drunk.

Explaining the situation to the diminutive Charms Master as they quickly took him to Harry's room, they were eager to get this situation resolved. Filius Flitwick, the consummate professional, stepped into Harry's room and loudly said "Yowza! Nice shirt!" with a lecherous grin. Cissy's house elf enthusiasm it seemed was truly undaunted and she was all too happy to smile and assist in understanding what had happened to her and what the bond did. Honestly, she seemed happier than any human being ever had been. Since the beginning of time. Now even the little argumentative angel on Harry's shoulder was doing a dance and chanting "We get to keep her! We get to keep her!"

"You seem to have quite a knack for getting into pickles Mr. Potter." Professor Flitwick further explained his findings. "From what I can tell, her magic bond with you is truly that of a subservient house-elf bonded to its Master. I cannot begin to explain it, but it appears the bond worked because apparently she in fact has a small amount of house-elf magic in her. My assumption is that the Blacks weren't as pure as they claimed and somewhere along the line, she's a direct descendent of a house-elf."

Harry looked at Tonks and said "Nymphie! You've got a little house-elf in you!"

Tonks scowled deeply at Harry for the nickname. Or maybe that was going to be her house-elf name. Oh god.

Ron however started looking in front and behind Tonks for either Dobby or Winky or the punch line to a bad joke in very poor taste.

Tonks asked meekly "Does that mean just anyone could slap me under a house-elf bond?"

Ginny added with a scary glint in her eye "Or Draco?"

Professor Flitwick's lecherous grin returned before he explained "Sadly, no. One aspect of the bonding is that it must be freely accepted by the recipient. They must, of their complete own free will, accept it."

Hermione's eyebrows rose as she realized Narcissa apparently chose to become Cissy when the magic connected with her.

"One thing I do know though is that since it is a bond with such a small amount of foreign magic in her, that if you were to either forcibly break the bond, or willingly release her of service, it would completely drain her of all her magics."

Tonks butted in "So she'd be a squib if Harry freed her?"

Flitwick smiled and said "In the best case scenario, yes. It's probably just as likely that it would kill her as well."

Ron excitedly accepted this and said "So we get to keep her!"

The professor replied "I believe you should give her the choice, but there's little reason she could ever possibly choose squibhood or death. House-elves are some of the most delightful creatures there are. She's probably never been happier."

Harry looked over at his newest house-elf and realized it would be silly to ask her. She had been answering the question all along with a smile and continuously nodding her head for the past 3 minutes. Harry asked Flitwick another question "So is she still considered a witch, married to Lucius, with the rights, freedoms and responsibilities of that?"

The professor shook his head "I'm afraid not. The minute she accepted the bond, she lost her status as a witch, and she became your property. It is also why her marriage is now null and void."

Cissy felt like easing her Master's worries "Don't worry Master. Cissy never liked Lucy that much. Cissy's parents sold Cissy to Lucy, and Lucy never really made Cissy happy. Lucy be a poncy git with a very small penis. But Cissy would like to see Cissy's Drakey-poo if Master allows."

Harry smiled imagining how Draco will respond to this situation. He'd be damned if he'd let Draco hurt Cissy's feelings though. 'Hmm, never thought I cared about Cissy that much. Must be the bond.' "Of course Cissy. I think we might want to have someone else go and explain the situation to him first, as I don't think he'd understand it if you explained it to him."

Cissy's eyes shed tears of joy. "Of course Master. Cissy knows Cissy's Drakey-poo be a poncy git like Lucy, but Cissy's Drakey-poo be Cissy's Drakey-poo. Cissy thinks Master should explain it to Cissy's Drakey-poo."

Harry nodded and was looking forward to that conversation. "I think we should do that tomorrow. Today's already been a bit much for me."

Cissy nodded and smiled and nodded some more. "Master have something Cissy can do for Master now? Cissy needs work!"

Harry looked over at his friend's and came up with an idea. "Hey Cissy, how are you at potions?"

"Cissy received an 'O' on Cissy's NEWT and be very good!"

"Wow! I bet no one else has a house-elf with a NEWT in Potions. Wanna whip us up four doses of animagi potion Cissy?"

"Cissy do that now!" and with another snap of her fingers she disappeared. To where exactly Harry had no idea, but he was guessing there was a potions lab somewhere here in Grimmauld Place.

Ron and Ginny looked at Harry in awe, while Hermione looked a little affronted out of being cheated of learning a new and complicated potion.

Tonks spoke up "Good thinking Harry. That potion takes a good three hours, and requires a pretty skillful hand. So what do you guys want to do while we wait for them?"

Harry said "I'm getting a little hungry, and I know Ron is eternally hungry-" Ron was nodding quite seriously here "-and I was thinking I've never been to a proper wizarding restaurant. The Leaky Cauldron and the Three Broomsticks are just bar food. You think there's any we could go to where I wouldn't be treated like a God amongst you mere mortals?"

Hermione looked very interested in this too. Tonks was looking pensive and said "Not really. Most of the nice ones, the older purebloods avoid because they dispel all glamours on customers. That's just been a general practice since Voldie's first rise. Although we could just pick up some fly-thru in Hogsmeade and sneak over to the Hogwarts Lake. The grounds should be deserted in summer."

Harry asked "Fly-thru?"

Hermione smiled and adopted her teaching persona. "Fly-thru is just like muggle Drive-thru, except you go around in line on brooms."

Ginny suggested "Ooooh yeah! There's a KFP on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. I haven't eaten there since last summer."

Harry continued to pretend to be acting like he had no idea what they were talking about. Okay so maybe he wasn't really pretending and he didn't have any idea what they were talking about and asked "KFP?"

Ron smiled at the idea and said "Yah mate, KFP! Kentucky Fried Phoenix! Flames of Rebirth Broiled to Perfection!" and Ron's stomach voiced it's approval with a grumble that sounded suspiciously like "Mmm-mmmm."

"People eat phoenix!"

Ginny smiled at his naiveté and said "No silly. I'm not even sure you could cook a phoenix. That's just what the wizard who started it called it. The legend says that a long time ago, some muggle juvenile delinquents snuck onto his farm and tipped over one of this wizard's cows. It fell over and crushed a sleeping phoenix. The phoenix burned up and was reborn, and apparently the left behind carcass of cow was 'The best tasting meat you could fit into your mouth!'"

Apparently Ginny had a bit of naiveté too and never caught the double entendre in the company's slogan. Harry was reminded of the local pizza joint that bragged about its 10" sausage often in the store window.

"Sounds good to me," Harry said. Tonks added "Let's all go get our brooms, and ask if the Headmaster or Remus wants to join us and we can all floo to Hogsmeade and fly from there. Hermione, since you don't have a broom you can just ride on Ron's." A wiggle of the eyebrows and a couple of blushes later they all nodded and got ready to go.

They met back up in the kitchen where it seemed Remus and the Headmaster were trading raw and truthful stories from their pasts. They walked in to hear Remus finish "-only by the morning when I transformed back and I discovered it wasn't a female wolf in heat, but just a wet rotted tree stump. Poppy spent two hours picking out extremely painful splinters. Your turn, Albus."

"Alright, Awwwlllright." The obviously drunk Headmaster didn't seem to notice they had more company in the kitchen or he just didn't care. He was tipping back on his chair and slamming it back forward and tipping it back again. "Okays, Remusss, I got one for ya. I actually ssssuck at bowling. I ussssed magic in a bowling tournament jusssst ssssso I could win." He slurred out seemingly enjoying every 's' sound he could. "That infureriat- infuriara- infur- … damned muggle was such a cocky bastard. He even implied that Jesus was going to have relations with me on Wednesday instead of Ssssaturday. I may forgive a lot of things, but that man needed to lose."

Remus, Tonks and all the kids could barely believe their ears.

"In fact-" and it was at this point the Headmaster finally passed out and fell backward as the chair was tipping in that direction already. He hit with a loud clatter and seemed to have smacked his head. The people around the Headmaster quickly realized he was not in too much danger though as he was snoring quite loudly now.

Harry apparently wasn't fazed as easily these days and said "Hey Remus, we're going to hit Hogsmeade and get some KFP and go eat it by the Hogwart's Lake. Wanna come?"

Remus smiled and seemed perfectly sober. "Albus never could hold his liquor. He'll make a horrible alcoholic but it should add an interesting chapter to his future biographies. And yeah, sounds good. Let me grab my broom and I'll meet you by the fireplace."

They all met up and were about to floo to The Three Broomsticks.

"Maybe we should we do at least a little something to conceal Harry's identity." Remus suggested and looked at Tonks. They put their heads together and with a little help from Crookshanks and Hedwig had Harry looking like a new man.

Harry honestly wasn't too sure about his disguise but realized a little humility might be better than being recognized or mobbed. He decided to forego much more thought on the subject for now and moaned "Man I hate flooing. I swear there's some trick to landing that no one's told me about."

Tonks look confused, while everyone else adopted an unconcerned innocent impression. Tonks voiced this "You mean you don't know?"

Harry looked shocked at this and Hermione looked angry "Tonks! Ixnay on our ecret-say!"

"There is a trick! I KNEW it! Why? Why do you lie to me?"

Ron had a sheepish smug smile and said "Aw c'mon mate. It's funny. You know you're the most powerful and super special wizard since Merlin and you can't even land on your feet through the floo or portkeys."

"It works on portkeys too!"

Ron frowned "Crap. Shouldna said that. Should nah uv said that."

Tonks seemed to realized she'd spoiled some of their fun but felt this wasn't really fair to Harry. "Yes Harry. It's one of the most basic things you should be taught about using most forms of magical travel. The magic needs a focus for where to put the balance of your weight when it sets you back down or out. The trick is to curl your toes."

"That's it? I just curl my toes and I won't have to break my buttbone every time I go anywhere?"

Tonks had a genuine caring smile on her face. "Yes Harry. That's it. Curl your toes and you'll be fine."

She then quickly grabbed the floo powder called out "The Three Broomsticks" hopped through. Remus followed her and then Ginny and Hermione. Ron stopped and said "Sorry we didn't tell you sooner mate, but look at it from our point of view. It was hilarious!" and then he called out his destination and jumped through.

Harry was feeling a bit indignant but pleased to discover he wasn't in fact paranoid. They really were out to get him. He curled his toes and hopped through the floo.

Harry's friends seemed to know very well what was coming, and as soon as he exited the fireplace, his feet seemed to catch on the grate and he found himself flying face first with full momentum straight into the ground. A thoroughly loud fleshy sounding splat was followed by a lot of laughter from his friends.

Tonks added "Oops! Did I forget to mention you're only supposed to curl the toes on one foot?"

Harry seemed to find no humor in this at all and harrumphed to his indignant heart's content as they headed out on their brooms to KFP.

While they were flying leisurely towards the KFP, they briefed Remus on Cissy the super potion making elf. Harry eventually forgave his friends, but he had every intention of making a note of this in his personal Revenge notebooks when he got home. Tonks was going to get two stars and a frownie face for that one.

There was no line and Ginny quickly flew up to the window to order. "I'll take a Raspberry Dragonburger combo with Pumpkin Juice to drink please."

The tired looking young man at the counter unenthusiastically asked her "Would you like to uptrill your chips and Pumpkin Juice to larges for only two sickles more?"

Ginny was a bit tempted before she remembered guys don't like fat chicks, so she elected to pass on the uptrill.

Ron ordered a Bacon Double Dragonburger combo and paid for the uptrill. Hermione and Remus both got some sort of salad with Bowtruckle bits. Tonks elected to go for the Peanut Butter and Ham and Harry wasn't sure he'd be kissing _that_ mouth any time soon. Harry flew up to place his order for the Bacon Double Dragonburger combo, when he noticed the bored looking man taking his order looking at his scar curiously.

"Aren't you Harry Potter?"

Harry deepened his voice and said, "No I'm Incog."

The man at the window looked skeptical and asked "Incog who?"

"Incog Nito." Harry responded with more confidence than he should've had.

"Harry, that's the worst fake name I've ever heard."

"Hey I got outvoted. They all said to use it, but it wasn't my first choice."

"So what was _your_ first choice?"

"Harry Dotter."

It was at this comment a hag inside the restaurant took great offense. Apparently she was showing off hew newborn baby hag, and was particularly touchy about the moustache and muttonchops her little girl was born with. She stomped away angrily.

The man at the window looked curiously at Harry. "Yeah, I'd say I'd hafta agree with your friends. The first one was better. Just how long did you spend on your disguise?"

"Almost twenty seconds. Did it not fool you at all?"

"Harry, it looks like you just glued a hairball and a coughed up mouse carcass to your upper lip. I think a marker could've made a better moustache."

Harry was heavily considering a second frownie face for his Nymphie today. This disguise itched like crazy and didn't exactly smell like daisies either. Once he finished pulling all the miscellaneous animal parts off his face, the manager seemed to notice him and finally recognize him.

"Bless my soul…..it's Harry Potter." The manager whispered loudly.

Harry looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Dedalus. You've met me like a dozen times. Can't you just say 'Hi' like a normal person?"

Dedalus Diggle smiled and said "Sure I could, but this is so much more fun."

Harry sighed. He recognized logic when he heard it, and if there's one thing he's learned it's that you simply cannot fight logic. No matter how much whining and foot stomping you do, logic always wins. Unless you're a girl and can cry, of course.

Dedalus put a hand on the man at the windows shoulder and said "Uptrill his combo for free. It's the least we can do for capturing the Dark Lord."

Harry silently thought that seemed a wee bit cheap for what he had done, but knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.

The four kids, Remus and Tonks got their food and flew off towards the Hogwart's lake. A pleasant evening watching the sun go down and a meal with friends, it was simple pleasures like these Harry had missed out on all his life and was looking forward getting to enjoy a few of them. The food was good and they were all full, excusing Ron of course, even though Harry did end up having to split his chips with the Giant Squid. Harry had a feeling the Squid would be a good ally to have.

They all took their litter, flew back to The Three Broomsticks, and then flooed back to Grimmauld Place. Harry managed to exit the floo far more gracefully and did not even fall. He'd get the hang of this pretty soon.

Harry wasn't sure anymore how he felt about the conversation he'd be having with Cissy's Drakey-poo tomorrow but he knew it couldn't be avoided. But tonight Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron had a potion to take.

* * *


	7. Animagi and Mummy

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SEVEN – Animagi and Mummy**

Hermione had some of her hair pulled back. Not all of it, she only had the one clip at the moment. She perched high on a stool and placed on some reading spectacles that barely hung on the tip of her nose. Crossing her tan well-defined legs she was wearing a particularly short skirt, while Harry, Ron, and Ginny all sat Indian-style on the floor around her.

Harry couldn't help but notice Hermione really could pull off the sexy librarian thing if she tried. Harry was silently applauding Ron's ability to convince Hermione that certain conditions needed to be met if Ron was going to be capable of paying attention or perhaps even learning something new. Even Ginny seemed more alert and hungry for knowledge. Looking at her you would swear this room must be freezing cold. Perhaps she has a bit of unresolved tension she needs to work through. Harry thought he and the five proper Weasley brothers should have a nice chat with Dean real soon.

Hermione began, "The art of the animagus transformation is not for everybody. It has a completely variable amount of time to achieve. It is also completely variable on whether the transformation is possible for any given person. Genetics and blood have nothing to do with it."

Harry thought Hermione was driving the pro-muggleborn point of view into the ground but said nothing aloud.

"The ability to change into another form is entirely dependent on the very soul, essence, and magic of a being. At that level, you are not even human. You merely are and you exist. Now if you are capable of being at home and comfortable in another form, then you are as much that form as you are human. Sirius was every bit as much a big black dog, as he was a Caucasian wizard. Some beings are completely unable to be comfortable in another form and cannot achieve the transformation. Even others have the capability, but they never can accept their form as part of their existence and who they are. I believe this is why it took Pettigrew quite a while longer to accept he was a rat, than it took Prongs and Padfoot to achieve their transformations. We can only hope that all four of us at least have the ability."

Harry figured if it was so spectacularly convenient that the other three Marauders all seemed to have this ability and were able to achieve it, then it would seem pretty likely to be spectacularly convenient again and for his luck on this one to hold out as well.

"First you will drink the animagi potion and connect with yourself in a deeper and more intimate way than you ever have before."

Ron was thinking of the very real, quantitative difference between four fingers and a proper fist.

"Here you will discover if you have an animagi form. Now there is no reason known for it to be impossible to have more than one form, just historically, no one ever with more than one form has been discovered. Or perhaps revealed him or herself. The same is true for magical animagi. Though there have been many rumors about that one. The general consensus is that someone especially strong and connected with magic, would have the same connection in the form of a magical creature. But the idea that it is the only extremely powerful ones, means it's kind of hard to force them to admit it. Most people treat their forms as something intensely personal, as it is a direct reflection on the sort of person they are." Hermione was already in deep reflection about writing a paper theorizing transgender surgeries could be completely abolished with some proper animagi training.

During this it seemed they were all watching Harry. They put the odds at about 50-50 whether Harry would go against convention here. More likely the magical form they assumed. Harry was getting used to this and pretended to be ignoring their stares.

Harry finally cracked and said "Alright alright. Let's take the potion and see just what we are."

The four then simultaneously downed the vial concoction Cissy had brewed. Ginny was particularly disturbed drinking it thinking about the concept of momjuice.

Thirty minutes later they all seemed to be returning to the waking world slowly. Groans and mumbles were said as crust was harvested from their eyes and they all readjusted. Once they remembered what happened they all got happy eager smiles. Well except Harry, who looked a bit put out by the whole situation.

Ginny started by poking her brother. "So Ron….what the heck are you?"

Ron got a big smile and just said "I'm a goat! No ruddy clue why but I'm a goat! How bout you, Gin?"

Ginny's cheeks seemed rosier and she seemed extremely pleased with herself. "I am a fox."

Ron was quite happy for her, though the implications of the form had him a bit worried for his baby sister's chastity.

Ron, in his true movement towards kindness and maturity yelled out "How bout it Herms? Is a bookworm a real creature?"

She gave him a nasty glare and had a suspicious look on her face. "I happen to be a tabby cat. To be honest, I'd swear my form is Professor McGonagall's form." She finished looking less angry and more pensive.

Ron and Ginny seemed to find this incredibly fitting and could only laugh their heads off. After gathering themselves, and realizing Hermione was off thinking in her own world, they both noticed the resigned and frustrated look on Harry's face.

Ginny could read him pretty well and spoke up. "I can tell you're not heartbroken, so I know you saw something Harry. So it's true you can have a magical form."

Harry let out an affirmative grunt from his muffled face as his head was now resting in his hands.

Ron piqued up, "So is it also true you can have more than one form too?"

Harry seemed let out a terribly pitiful little affirmative moan.

Hermione by now had snapped to attention and wanted to know everything. "So Harry, come on, what are you?"

Harry knew he couldn't avoid this, so he started by trying to explain it. "Yes. I know. I've got two magical forms. I'm pretty sure I was only born with one though. I think Riddle passed me his form when he cursed me as a baby. Because I'm not sure how happy I'd be with a fricking 40-foot basilisk as my usual transformation."

Hermione and Ron gasped at this, and Ginny went pale. And then she blushed. And then she went pale again. Harry was thinking Ginny might need a chat too.

Ron spoke up here "Bloody hell mate. That's huge! I cannot imagine you ever being that massive. You'll always be scrawny to me mate. So whats the other form? Some other massive dangerous beast?"

Harry adopted a very pleased smile. "Nope, my other form is a bit on the other end of the spectrum in terms of size." Harry here felt like a dramatic pause was in order and decided to keep his secret for another few moments.

Hermione it seems is not the most patient person in the world. "Spit it out Potter before I hex you!"

Harry smiled even wider and said "I'm a snidget."

Ron felt this allowed the entire universe to make so much more sense. It's like the secret to life was just whispered in his ear. All his friends were smiling and laughing at the thought of their ridiculously powerful friend as an itty bitty tiny flying birdie.

Hermione smiled. "That makes a lot of sense actually. Certainly explains the flying ability, the connection to quidditch, the so-called ministry protection, the desire to be left alone."

Ron still needed some practice on the whole thinking before speaking part and added his two cents "Almost hunted to extinction." His contribution was rewarded with a smack to the back of his noggin compliments of his little sister.

Harry was unfazed and felt like he was already more snidget than he was human. He wasn't sure if he would be able to accept being a basilisk, but he did realize that creatures are not inherently evil and he could be everyone's favorite happy nice neighborhood basilisk.

Harry got his evil scary grin back and said "And don't forget pranking purposes. I mean, honestly, who's gonna catch me?"

* * *

The next morning, Tonks decided she wasn't going to let Harry take Cissy by himself to Malfoy Manor. Not considering Draco had just been released and cleared of being a Death Eater. Though from what Shack said it was a close one. 

Harry wasn't about to deny his scrumptious vixen Nymphie and the idea of an extra auror presence might be necessary depending on how Cissy's Drakey-poo responded. Harry would almost be a little disappointed if there wasn't any hexing. The three of them arrived at Malfoy Manor and found it to be very quiet. A little too quiet. No one was responding to their calls throughout the home, until Harry ventured into the dining area. It appeared Draco was resting his face in a piece of toast that had butter and jam on it. In his right hand was the newspaper from a couple of days ago. Apparently, while being detained by the aurors, they neglected to inform him that the Dark Lord had been defeated and the idea of a goody two-shoes Gryffindor brat actually defeating the great and powerful Dark Lord didn't sit well with the young man. Or at least didn't sit well with the majority of the synapses in his feeble little mind. More than likely, Cissy's Drakey-poo merely read the headline, fainted, and has been swimming in strawberry Smuckers since.

Tonks led Cissy away and left Harry to awaken and explain the situation to Draco. Harry thought it would be prudent to take Draco's wand now, before he presents any threat. But he figured leaving him his wand might end up being much more fun. Harry cast an Ennervate on him and waited for Draco.

Draco woke up and started to look around and spotted The Boy-Who-Lived right in front of him. "Potter! What are you doing here? Afraid the Dark Lord is going to kill you and trying to hide like the scared little orphan you are! Not so brave without the Weasel and mudblood are you!"

Harry shook his head. 'I swear that speech has some macro in his brain that just turns it on automatically when he sees me.' Harry sighed and said "Look at the paper in your hand ferretface."

Draco kept his lion face on and looked at the paper in his hand. 'Aww crap.' His lemon face came right to the forefront.

"Hey Malfoy, do you practice those faces you're making?"

Draco regained some of his undeserving self confidence. "Silly halfblood has no idea what classes you take growing up pureblood. For your information, drama, ballet, and trampoline every _proper_ young wizard masters before they ever go to Hogwarts. Fool."

"So that really was your lion face and lemon face? Wow Draco. I learn something new about you everyday." Harry then mumbled to himself "And quite a few things I'd be a better man not knowing."

"Why are you here Potter anyway? Come to gloat? Well come back later. My mummy's not here so I cannot play with you even if I wanted to." Draco said snidely without thinking before adding, "Not that I'd ever want to play with you, filthy useless mugglewuvver."

'Mugglewuvver?' Harry thought. "Well actually it is your Mummy I wanted to talk about."

Draco got a truly frightened look on his face before becoming enraged "What have you done?"

"Whoa! Down boy! You were unconscious when I got here and I could have done anything to you, but I didn't. I even left you with your wand. I'm just here to explain some things to you."

Draco started to get worried and scared now. "Where's my mummy? I miss my mummy!"

"She's alright Draco. Easy. There was just a sort of accident, and well, I'm not quite sure how to put this." Harry got a little worried look on his face, and then got a devious idea. "Okay Draco, first, I assume you've been told about the birds and the bees?"

"What! Oh dear Merlin, Noooooooo!" Draco jumped up, freaked out, and pulled his wand at Harry.

Harry was laughing and trying to calm the enraged little git. "Stop! Stop! I was just joking! It's not what you think."

Draco relaxed for a second and calmed. "Phew. For a second there I thought you'd bonded my mom to you as a personal house elf."

Harry's eyebrows jumped at this. "Hmm, crap. Well I guess it is what you think."

Draco started to tear up and wailed "I want my mummy!"

At this point you could hear some shuffling in the next room and a high-pitched voice yell "Cissy loves Cissy's Drakey-poo!"

"Mummy!" and with that Draco jumped up with tears dripping down his face and ran into the next room.

A lot of wailing and tears and hugs and perhaps something that looked completely inappropriate followed. Tonks thought this should be a Mother-Son moment and went into the kitchen to join Harry.

"Well that was easier than I thought it would be," the pink-haired auror said.

Harry nodded a little frustrated. "Yeah. Cheeky little bugger never even tried to hex me."

When the wailing seemed to stop, Harry and Tonks decided to peek into the next room and see how they were doing. It was almost cute seeing the smile on the contented asleep little git's face as he murmured and sucked his thumb in his mummy's lap. Harry realized he was going to have to make peace with Draco, since he couldn't abandon Cissy, and Cissy and Draco needed each other. 'What a bunch of crap. First Voldie, then Fudge, then Snape and now Draco! We're not going to have anyone to prank if this keeps up!'

Cissy, Tonks, and Harry gathered together some of the things Cissy wanted to take with her, as well as some of the things she knew Cissy's Drakey-poo would need, and they packed up all the stuff and headed back to Grimmauld Place. Cissy seemed a lot stronger than they thought as she managed to carry Draco the whole way. Maybe it was a gentle mother's touch, but he slept through the trip back and was set up on Trixie's old bed in Cissy and Trixie's old room.

Harry was pondering how best to handle this new situation and was starting to realize just how difficult the Headmaster's life was. 'Why the heck does this stuff always happen to me?' Harry started as he almost swore he could hear the sky laughing. And he was pretty dang sure it wasn't laughing with him. 'Cheeky sky.'

* * *

It was one of those moments that cannot be explained. Harry had a brief moment of that rare occurrence we usually like to call insight. He even would be willing to call it an idea. It seemed so obvious. Cissy needs to stay near Harry and Draco, so she would need to be at Hogwarts. And with a parting thanks and a kick in the arse Snivellus was gone from Hogwarts. Now we need someone good in Potions, and ideally a former Slytherin who can take up both the Potions Professorship and Slytherin Head of the House position as well. And well that was as far as Harry's moment of insight got him. He could tell he was close to connecting the dots, but to what he had not determined yet. 

'Wait' Harry's brain exclaimed '…no.' Almost there Harry thought, almost. 'Maybe tomorrow,' his brain suggested.

Sure enough, tomorrow, Remus informed Harry that he would be taking up the Defense of the Dark Arts position. Apparently affirmative action doesn't work in the wizarding world either. But it was convenient enough that with the departure of Snape, Dumbledore was required to hire on at least one dark creature. And it was with this conversation that helped Harry's brain and Harry to reach an accord. "Remus! We should have Dumbledore hire Cissy to teach Potions! And I know she'd make a great Slytherin Head of House too."

Remus looked startled. This was not the deductive reasoning of James Potter's son, oh no. This was the quick and clever mind of Lily Evan's only child. "That is an excellent idea! I'm sure Albus will be crazy for it. If he's not we'll just wait until he's drunk again and bring him some contracts then. You think Cissy will want to?"

"Remus, if I asked her to do a striptease and then lather her body with slytherin green jell-o she'd be ecstatic to, just for the fact that I asked her to."

Remus wondered about the certainty Harry had when he mentioned this completely hypothetical situation.

"Besides, the only two things important to her are her amazingly handsome Master and Cissy's Drakey-poo. This will keep her and Draco closer than they've gotten to be since before Hogwarts."

"We may need to put her in disguise. Some people wouldn't react well to a Malfoy teaching their children after a Snape had been corrupting them. Even if she is Harry Potter's house elf. Plus disguises are so much fun for the rest of us."

"Yeah they are! Though I think her first name will need to be Cissy. I can't see us breaking her from calling herself that too easily."

"I agree. Just a last name would work. She's your house elf; you have any ideas in mind?"

"I was thinking of naming her after Sirius's pet flobberworm. Although I think Hagrid may have helped him name it."

Remus remembered fondly and nodded his head. "Yes that will do nicely. Professor Chaos just has a nice ring to it. Cissy Chaos: the Avenging Topless Elf. Yes very nice."

Harry was a man, and when men get confused they agree, so he just nodded too.

* * *


	8. There's Transformations

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER EIGHT – There's Transformations, and Then There's _Transformations_**

"This is absolutely incredible! This is amazing! No one has ever managed a complete animagus transformation on their first try. Not even close. This is completely unprecedented!" Hermione it seemed could not contain herself.

Remus and Tonks, the only two adults that weren't house elves that knew about the training, were standing in the room with their mouths wide open.

Ginny was full of pride for him.

Harry could only smile a genuinely happy smile.

And Ron could only bleat. "Baaaaahh."

Ron it seemed was a lot more goat than anyone gave him credit for. Or maybe Ron was too easygoing and happy to care what form he held. He summed it all up in one word. "Baaaaahh."

And right away, Hermione knew she was being mocked. And Harry and Ginny knew the lucky little bugger was done with training before anyone else had even started.

Ron started to do a little goat run around the room, falling down a few times. He then noticed he had a tail and wanted to see what it tasted like so he started spinning in a circle. He fell again. At this moment, Ron quickly changed back to his human form, and had the biggest smile on his face. It went away for a split second; he vomited all over the floor, and was quickly smiling again. He then popped right back into his goat form and started running around some more.

Harry cleaned up the vomit with a quick spell, and the other three, Hermione, Ginny, and Harry began to work on their transformations. None of them had much luck yet, although Ron was having fun chewing on the back pocket of Hermione's jeans. Hermione was quite glad it was the jeans she was wearing and left Ron to work his happy goat lips. The only success any of the other three had showed so far was Harry had managed to shrink himself to a couple inches shorter than Dobby. A couple of incriminating photos were taken but Harry was too happy to be closer to his existence as a snidget. He was putting off the basilisk transformation for a while. And he figured he'd need a better place anyway, as this room wouldn't quite fit a 40-foot basilisk.

* * *

That evening Harry and Remus cornered a halfway sober Albus Dumbledore and told him about their idea for a new Potions instructor. He thought it was a grand idea and drank to it. Albus quickly drew up the papers and explained that it would be Harry who was getting paid and responsible for Cissy, but the idea of an eternally happy Head of Slytherin House appealed greatly to him. He informed Harry that this was only the second time a current's student's property became a Hogwarts instructor. When questioned about the first, Albus only frowned and changed the subject. For a moment Harry briefly wondered just how close the Headmaster and Snape used to be. 'Ewwwww.' 

When Harry explained his plan for Cissy, she acted as expected. Tears enough to fill a couple glasses and so much happiness that Harry felt ill. Although considering how much hate the woman used to have, a disgustingly sick amount of joy was probably a good thing. Even if it did sometimes make Harry want to grab his hammer and go puppy hunting. Harry couldn't believe the relationship Draco had with his mother. Harry loved his own mother dearly. The woman did die for him. But even Harry wasn't too envious of this apparent dependence Draco had on his mother. And now all those packages of sweets Draco got made a lot more sense with his need for freshly squeezed morning juice. 'I really should stop making myself ill.' Harry thought.

Dumbledore came in to join the kids at lunch and brought with him a surprise. "Good afternoon, Mr. and Miss Weasley, Miss Granger, Harry. I thought you might like your OWL scores." And he set three envelopes on the table.

"YOU!" Ginny rasped with vehemence looking right at the Headmaster.

Ron had tears in his eyes and kept them firmly locked on the old man. "We trusted you. We believed in you. And this is how you repay us!"

Albus was having second thoughts about the OWL scores, though he was quite combuzzled at this response. 'Particularly since Miss Weasley hasn't even taken hers yet.'

Ron's anger seemed to fade into disappointment. "Why? Why have you been lying to us, to everyone, all these years?"

Ginny got up and stomped away screaming, "I can't believe I ever actually thought you were a _real_ champion bowler."

Albus was beginning to have second thoughts about his future as an alcoholic. He could only sigh and start to walk away. A broken man whose shoulders just sagged. 'I fear I have failed Ronald and Ginevra just as much as I have failed Harry.' Here Fawkes appeared in a brilliant flash of fire and pecked Albus in the head. He then grabbed a chunk of beard in his beak and yanked. "Yeowch!" 'Okay, so maybe I've failed Harry a bit more than them. Jeez Louise Fawkes. That time of the cycle, eh?' Another peck on the back of the old man's neck and he fell to the ground completely limp and unconscious. Albus has long since regretted the day he taught Fawkes about Vulcan death grips.

Seeing this little episode seemed to brighten up Ron's mood considerably and the original golden trio opened their OWL's together. No surprises on them at all. Hermione aced everything, Harry did better than expected, and Ron just did a step below Harry, and far better than his twin older brothers. Requirements on Potions NEWT courses were changing even if Harry hadn't pulled off an 'O.' Of course Harry didn't exactly have as much interest in becoming an auror anymore. He wanted to be a professional international playboy. Grab his little Nymphie after school ended and go everywhere in the world he had yet to be. Which was basically everywhere outside of Surrey, London, and Hogwarts.

The next few weeks the kids practiced their animagus transformation that they had all now managed to achieve. It was just getting more comfortable with it, and being able to transform in a split second, and hold it permanently if they wanted to. Harry realized "Hey Remus! We're going to be able to keep you company on the full moons now at Hogwarts! Isn't it incredible how well this is working out? You'd almost think this was carefully planned out ahead of time, and not just made up as we go." The truth behind this statement was missed by all the people in the room. Hmmm.

Remus nodded at their luck, though felt Harry had more to do with it than anyone else. This evening was to be the official passing of the Marauder torch. The last true Marauder of the first generation was going to bestow upon the kids their official Marauder monikers that they would carry the rest of their lives. Harry was the only one a little worried about Remus having this much power over them. It seemed the other three knew him best as a caring, conservative teacher and seemed to gloss over the fact that the man IS a Marauder.

All four of them transformed and awaited this most joyous occasion.

"Welcome friends. I, Mister Moony, am pleased to announce the official second generation of Marauders."

The goat, fox, cat, and snidget all seemed quite happy.

Remus approached the goat. "Mr. Moony would like to welcome our friend Mr. Horny into the fold." Ron popped back into his human form. "Thanks Moony!"

Remus rolled his eyes, "My pleasure Horny." Even Moony it seemed found this ceremony a bit much. But he knew Padfoot and Prongs would haunt his eternal existence if he didn't do something like this.

Remus moved over to the fox. "Mr. Moony would like to welcome our friend Miss Cottontail into the fold." The small Weasley red fox with the white-tipped tail popped into Ginny and she had a smile. "Thank you, Mr. Moony."

"My pleasure Miss Cottontail." Remus moved over in front of the cat that was undoubtedly strikingly similar to Professor McGonagall's form. Sometimes he really feared it would transform into Minerva and scare the bejeebus out of him. He seemed to be snickering some to himself as he began again "Mr. Moony would like to welcome our friend Miss Mini-Minnie into the fold." He had trouble keeping the giggles in at this one.

Hermione transformed and seemed a little less than pleased at her nickname. She spoke with a bit of intensity "Thank you Mr. Moony. I look forward to properly thanking you for the name at some time in the future." She said with a challenging glint in her eye.

Remus was obviously enjoying himself and said "The pleasure was all mine, Mini-Minnie." He moved over to the snidget fluttering at eye-level to him. "Mr. Moony would like to welcome our friend, and Marauder heir, Mr. Snatch to the fold."

Harry popped back with smile and a blush. "Thanks Moony."

"And it is with great honor I present to the world, the second generation of Marauders: Horny, Cottontail, Mini-Minnie, and Snatch. May all your mischief be manageable and all your solemn swears up to no good."

The kids all applauded and Tonks hugged and kissed her Snatch.

* * *

The first act the new Marauders had to do was to play a prank and announce their presence to the world. Or at least to a large lunch group. With access to the previous Marauder's journals of pranks and pictures of memories the kids decided to try their hands at some potions-based illusions. 

While planning and preparing for the lunch tomorrow, Hermione found herself thinking. She had subtly asked Professor McGonagall if it was possible for two people to have identical animagi forms. McGonagall was a bit hesitant to answer, fearing their may be more illegal animagi on the horizon. Her fears were quite accurate, of course, but no one wanted to inform her of that fact just yet. Hermione found her hesitancy to answer quite suspicious but she eventually found out that no, animagi forms are every bit as unique as people are. The way she formed the answer left Hermione even more suspicious. She decided to air her suspicions to her fellow Marauders.

"I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm Professor McGonagall." She stated as though this were a normal thing to start a conversation with. After getting over their initial reactions of shock and doubt, the others seemed to be considering the possibility.

Mini-Minnie continued "I particularly remember, back in third year, when she gave me the time-turner, she was acting like she was in on some big joke. Not that I wouldn't be quite pleased to be Professor McGonagall, I just wish I would tell myself dammit! Surely I know how much I hate not knowing things!"

Ron seemed to pick up on this. "Hey you know, now that you mention it, she has always kept her hair up in a bun. It's probably because you know that we'd recognize your frizzy bushiness anywhere."

Ginny added "That's true. And she definitely has always had a soft spot for Snatch here. Half the time she looks at him like he's dying."

Harry seemed to be considering this. "That would make sense why she seemed so certain to put me on the Quidditch team in first year, when the rules have always stated 'No first years.' I mean she was awfully confident in my ability at a sport I'd never heard of, after I had a grand total of about 5 minutes of lifetime flying experience."

Ginny had been pondering this and said "You think maybe the Headmaster is Snatch?"

"WHAT! No! Noooooo! I am not the Headmaster! I am perfectly sane!" Harry exclaimed quite flustered at the thought. He was trying to come up with more evidence.

"And besides, the Headmaster has a brother that looks just like him! Who the heck would my brother be?"

Here Mini-Minnie, Cottontail and Snatch looked over at Horny, and remembered the Headmaster's brother's particular rumored eccentricities. Someone's animagus form was beginning to make a lot more sense.

Ron caught on to what they were thinking and yelped "Shut up! I wouldn't…would I? I mean goats, and running a bar? Hmm you know that might not be too bad actually."

Harry really didn't like the way this was going and stated, "I'm not a barmy old coot!" before stomping away angrily.

The Headmaster saw Harry stomping towards him. "Harry, there is something I must tell you."

Harry interrupted the Headmaster from going any further by covering his ears with his hands, screaming and running in the opposite direction.

* * *

The next morning the new Marauders began executing the prank they had planned. First, the main potion was put into the butter used to cook everything, and a second one was coated onto the handles of the silverware. 

Minerva, Albus, Remus, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Shacklebolt, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were sitting down to eat lunch. A couple of minutes after they had taken their first bite, the left eye of everyone present started spinning in crazy circles within its socket. Everyone was feeling a bit ill adjusting to Mad-Eye Moody's point of view. When they tried to cover their eye with their hand, the second potion in the silverware was triggered and they could all see through their own bodies as though they were invisible. Remus was laughing, as were the not so silent group under the invisibility cloak. Most of the other people at the table were feeling differing amounts of nausea. Moody on the other hand, was merely enjoying his chicken and potatoes. After five minutes of no control over the massive amount of input their optic nerve was forced to endure, the spinning stopped, and they all received massive headaches. This was further compounded by a message that appeared right in front of each of their left eyes. It clearly read "Welcome to a Brave New World. Marauders official and authorized Second Generation.' And was signed by 'Horny, Cottontail, Mini-Minnie, and Snatch.' Minerva started to cry and Albus pulled out a fresh bottle of firewhiskey. Remus, Tonks, Shacklebolt, Moody, and Mr. Weasley were laughing, and Mrs. Weasley looked torn between proud and pissed off.

The kids returned to their room, desperately hoping to avoid any punishment, and it seemed so far like they would. Not the most spectacular prank, but an excellent start and learning experience. That and they felt the Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress deserved at least some fair warning about just what the next two years would hold.

The Headmaster knocked on the door and entered the room. "That was a most eye-opening experience, though I would appreciate a little less nausea next time and perhaps a headache cure. I am quite looking forward to deciphering exactly how you all arrived upon those names," he said with a knowing twinkle in his eye. "Nevertheless Harry I still need to talk to you, and I really must request you not cover your ears and run away screaming before I can finish."

Harry grudgingly got up and followed the Headmaster into the hallway.

"Harry I'm afraid the Hogwarts Board of Governors has reviewed Draco Malfoy's case and are not inviting him back to school. He was forced to plead guilty to a number of dark artifacts he possessed, and intent to become a Death Eater. He was fined quite heavily, and for these grounds he has been expelled."

Harry sighed. 'This just keeps getting better and better.' He thought. "Alright, I should go talk to him and Cissy and see what they want to do. I was really hoping she could teach us Potions but I don't know if it would be fair to keep her away from Draco so much."

The Headmaster suggested, "I may be able to come up with something, although his status as the Head of the Malfoy family makes it more difficult. As I did with Hagrid, I hired him onto Hogwarts staff and was able to keep him around in an official capacity. But it took a lot of my sway, and the fact that I was going to assume guardianship of him, since he had no funds or family to return to. Mr. Malfoy has many funds and a comfortable home, and I am not certain I would be able to allow him the same."

Harry nodded and went to go talk to his Cissy and Cissy's Drakey-poo. Those two had been spending an awful lot of time together it seemed. Anytime Cissy asked for house elf work for Harry and he had nothing for her, she would scurry back to her son and comfort him like a mother would her newborn baby. The fact that he was not a baby made it a bit creepy. Dobby and Winky, Harry had feared would be angry at sharing their Master, but as it turned out they were incredibly amused by the whole situation.

Dobby in fact could not have been prouder of his old Mistress.

Harry knocked on the door to their room. Heard some shuffling and entered when Cissy opened the door with an eager smile, "Yes'm Master?" Draco didn't even flinch anymore when he heard his Mum call Harry that. Harry had gladly informed all three of his elves, that they were his friends and as such could freely call him Harry. He wouldn't force them, and understood if 'Master' made them more comfortable, but made it quite clear he himself would prefer they call him Harry. Dobby was happy to take him up that, and called him Harry or some odd form of Harry many times, though not always. Winky said it would be completely improper, though Harry had a sneaking suspicion it didn't really bother Winky too much, she just liked playing with Harry's head. Cissy agreed that it would be improper especially for her, as she looked like a woman, not a normal house elf, and as such needed to make her status clear to others. She did reluctantly agree to try her hardest to treat him like a normal student in class. She would make no promises though.

Harry stepped into their room nodded at Draco who had been surprisingly silent and kind as of late, and smiled at Cissy. "I wanted to talk to you about Draco's future. I assume you've heard from the Hogwart's Board of Governors?

Cissy nodded eagerly and said "Yes sir, Master. Cissy was disappointed, but Cissy knew this was prolly coming."

Draco looked up at Harry, and said "We've been talking it over with the Headmaster some and I think we might have a solution, but we'd need your help Potter."

Harry felt the all too familiar feeling in the air that something was coming.

Cissy smiled brightly and said "Cissy would need Master's permission but-"

Draco finished for her with an equally bright smile. "I'd like to become my mummy's house elf."

Harry sighed.

_**

* * *

**_


	9. Personal Attack Demons

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER NINE – Personal Attack Demons**

Harry looked at the two Malfoys in front of him and sighed. And again. This was getting ridiculous. "You seriously want to be a house elf?"

Draco smiled brightly and nodded.

'Well he appears to have half the tricks down already.' Harry thought. "Why exactly do you need my help?"

Cissy chose to answer that one "Yous see Master, Cissy is Master's property, so if Cissy gets new properties of Cissy's own, Cissy needs Master's okiedokie to get new properties of Cissy's own."

Harry wasn't entirely sure he followed all of that and he was beginning to have some doubts about Potions classes this year. 'Of course, the lack of physical and emotional abuse in the class means she's already guaranteed to be a better teacher than Snape. It's the mental trauma and anguish I'm concerned about.'

Harry gave up. "Meh. If it makes you happy, you got my blessing. Do what you gotta do." And with that Harry went off to find some firewhiskey.

* * *

"Hey Mini-Minnie, Cottontail or Horny: any of you guys seen Hedwig? I sent her with a letter to Luna like three weeks ago." Snatch asked. 

Mini-Minnie looked at Snatch curiously. "You know she's been traipsing around Sweden and other parts of Scandinavia looking for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks right?"

"Oops. Did not know that. Hope Hedwig's okay. Tracking down Luna's probably not the easiest job. Where's Pig either? I was wanting to send Neville a note about getting some specific plants we could use for prank potions."

Cottontail seemed to blush. "Pig's been pretty busy taking letters to Dean and back for me."

Snatch and Horny locked eyes at this response. 'Time for the Weasley Seven Chastity Council to take an official stance,' they both thought at the same time.

Snatch was beginning to hatch a plan. "Why don't you invite Dean over tomorrow? Be nice to see the old roommate outside of school."

'Snatch is getting a bit too good at his innocent face.' Cottontail thought. "I'll ask him as soon as Pig gets back."

Mini-Minnie felt as though Cottontail should be free to date whoever she wanted. 'Then again, that Dean always looked a bit shifty.'

Snatch was starting to hear a new voice and he could tell no one else seemed to have noticed it. It sounded strangely familiar but he was pretty sure he'd never heard it before. It seemed to just reverberate differently in his ear.

It was mumbling, "Thank freaking God I'm home. Crazy bug-eyed blonde bitch needs to wear a bra. Sluts. All of them I tell ya."

Snatch spotted Hedwig flying in the window. Horny spoke up "Well speak of the devil."

The voice came back. "Shove a fist in it, you gangly whiny beggar. Hot Holy Shit! Did my Harry-Wizard get sexier? Me thinks I'm going to need to take another crap on him so I can watch him change again. God, what I wouldn't give just to eat him up, cough him back up, and eat him some more." Hedwig had managed to land on Snatch's shoulder and was nibbling on his ear now.

Snatch's eyebrows jumped in surprise. "Hedwig! Where'd you learn to talk like that?"

Hedwig's big owl eyes got bigger. "Harry-Wizard?"

Snatch's lips thinned. "Yeah?"

"Aww fuck me. God dammit. Where'd you learn to listen like that?" Hedwig looked like her favorite toy was just taken from her.

Cottontail spoke up "Umm Snatch. Are you talking to Hedwig?"

Snatch nodded a bit confused. "Yeah. WAIT! What the-?"

Hedwig looked over at Cottontail. "Christ it's the redheaded tart from Hell. You know I liked you better when you were possessed and commanded the basilisk."

Snatch goggled at his owl wondering when her disposition got so catty.

Mini-Minnie seemed to know exactly what was going on. "I know exactly what is going on."

Everyone turned to her and seemed to be waiting for her to explain.

Hedwig broke the silence, though most likely Snatch was the only one there to realize that. "Spit it out bitch before I nest in that frizz!"

"I'm pretty sure our animagus forms allow us to communicate with other animals of our same or similar species. I think Snatch will be able to understand most all birds. And of course he was already a parseltongue for talking to snakes."

"Why didn't you tell us sooner and how'd you figure this out?" Cottontail asked.

Mini-Minnie blushed. "Crookshanks told me. Quite articulate and intelligent he is."

Hedwig seemed to smirk and turned to her Harry-Wizard. "He's just acting that way around her to try and get in her pants. If she's a pussy now too, it's just a matter of time until he gets another notch on his scratching post."

Snatch was having trouble processing all this and decided to sit down for a while.

* * *

A brief discussion with the Weasley Seven Chastity Council left Harry in charge of making sure Dean was prepared and had his intentions in the right place. 

Hermione was in charge of keeping Ginny busy for a bit, while Harry and Ron had a brief chat with Dean.

Dean rang the doorbell at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron got grim looks on their faces and answered the door.

Ron began. "Dean, we stand here today, not as your friend or roommate but as the chosen delegates of the Weasley Seven. We need to determine whether you have a future with sweet, young, innocent Ginny."

Dean seemed a bit pale. "The-the Weasley Seven?"

Harry responded in a rapid-fire fashion "Bill, Charlie, Gred, Forge, Mr. Weasley, Ron and Me." He never paused to take a breath or let up on the scary staring he was doing to Dean.

"Now g-guys, come on. Ginny's a big girl and can make her own decisions. You-you know I'd never intentionally hurt her, right?"

Ron and Harry stayed silent and continued staring. Dean seemed a bit afraid to say much else or to attempt to walk in and find Ginny.

Finally Harry spoke. "You know Dean, the Powers that Be needed to find a way to deal with Voldemort's afterlife as well as reward me. Long story short, I hafta keep my personal attack demon fed and happy."

Harry scrunched his eyes closed and nodded his head forward, just like Jeanie on TV taught him. And with a loud pop, Voldemort appeared right next to Harry with glowing red eyes, and what appeared to be blood dripping from the corner of his mouth.

Voldemort hissed "POTTER! Who is it now and do I get to keep my trophy this time?" All of this was said with Voldemort's glowing red eyes narrowed and focused intently on Dean's crotch.

Dean had the most normal and natural male response to this, and cupped his man giblets in both hands and ran down Grimmauld Place screaming for mercy.

Finally, all three, Voldemort, Ron, and Harry broke down laughing.

"Tonks, that was brilliant!" Harry exclaimed.

Voldemort smiled and hugged Harry. She leaned in to kiss him, when Harry put his hand up in the way to stop her. "Nyuh-uhn. You know the rules. No kisses on the lips when you're in your Voldie form. All the other stuff is okay, but not the snogging. It's too personal."

Tonks shifted into her normal self, complete with the bountiful chest and tight shirt and claimed her Snatch as her own.

Ron spoke up "How'd you manage to get the blood on your mouth?"

Tonks wiped her face clean quickly. "Oh sorry, I was just testing the kool-aid we're cooking up for the Welcoming Feast."

Ron started to snicker and tried to embarrass the smitten little morons. "Do I even want to know any of the other rules you two have?"

Harry shook his head. "Probably not. Quite a few of them have to do with the limits on snogging your sister."

"Snatch! You're snogging my sister!"

Harry got that faraway smile. "Naw, not me. Tonks just likes to morph into me, and make out with her. I agreed and let her as long as she follows the rules."

Ron just sputtered indignantly and said things like "Whagga….zitme…ohmy…"

"Settle down Ron. I'm well aware of my oath to the Weasley Seven Chastity Council. One of the rules is they cannot snog unless I am there to watch. And you know …. Umm keep them in line and stuff."

Ron was really beginning to think some of the Council bylaws needed a bit of clarification. He didn't think he wanted to bring this issue up though. He was still a bit scared of Harry's attack demon. Not Voldemort of course but Tonks. You don't want to be around if anyone gets in between her and her Snatch.

"Is this why you keep that locked pensieve underneath your mattress?" Ron asked.

Tonks smacked her Snatch and yelled at it. "Hey! You said that was for just us!"

Harry smiled thinking about it. "It is!" He turned to Ron, "What the heck were you looking for under my mattress anyway?"

Ron couldn't meet their eyes and just said. "You know….umm. Bedbugs."

* * *

Off at Hogwarts, the staff was having an introductory meeting and preparing for the new school. The Headmaster stood up. "I'm pleased to announce the return of Professor Lupin to the Defense Against the Dark Arts post." 

A smattering of applause and a blushing werewolf took a small bow.

"Our new Potions instructor and Head of Slytherin House is unable to join us today. She's currently undergoing a bonding ceremony and receiving her own personal house elf, who will be her assistant this year. I hope when we do get her settled here you will all welcome Professor Chaos with open arms."

"She's going to have an active assistant that's a house elf? Is that a good idea?" Madame Pomphrey asked.

Albus explained "Well, it is actually her son that she is bonding too and will be her assistant/house elf." Remus and Minerva who knew exactly who Professor Chaos was, and who her son was, both sputtered into their drinks. The rest of the staff assumed it was just Albus being his usual colorful self hiring someone who willingly bonds their own children as servants.

"And in truth I'm not sure how much help she would even be for the purposes of this meeting." Remus and Minerva nodded knowingly.

Filius Flitwick spoke up at this comment. "What exactly is the purpose of this meeting?"

Albus's face looked grave. "I come bringing the warning that this year we shall be forced to deal with the rebirth of educational evil in its official second rise."

Professor Sprout looked aghast. "No! No! Don't tell me…..the Marauders are back?"

Albus could only nod.

Argus Filch looked around at the rest of the staff. "Screw you all! I'm outta here!" And with that Albus was in need of hiring a new caretaker.

"I was hoping Remus would be willing to provide us with some insight, as he is the last known survivor of the first rise. I was hoping you could return to your role as a spy."

"Albus you're confusing me with Severus again. I've never been a spy. And since it seems to have escaped everyone's attention, I'll let you in an apparently not well known fact about werewolves: They are completely and physically unable to betray any of those that they designate as their pack. And I am quite happy to have a new pack."

'Useless mangy wolf. Fine. Be nice if you had told James or Sirius that.' Albus thought. And the not uncommon occurrence of Fawkes appearing and pecking Albus in the head happened. It seemed to be happening more and more often lately.

"You're not going to help us with this at all, are you?" Albus asked Remus.

Remus smiled brightly and shook his head. "Nope."

"Perhaps we should call in some mercenaries…" Albus mused.

* * *

Deep in his Snapecave, the Snaperman was putting the finishing touches on his next plan for World Domination. These plans were often a bit lacking as Super Potion Power really wasn't as Super as it used to be. 

"Soon my pretties," he said to a series of potions ingredients, "soon they will all cower before me! The Hogwarts' Express will never know what hit it! Muhahaha!"

Far away from the Snapecave, a vigilant young House elf perked up. "Hey Winky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so Dobby, but if they called them sad meals, kids wouldn't buy them."

"No not that my sweetcheeks. Dobby be thinking Dobby smell something nefarious. Something inherently evil, but truly not as bad as it could be if it weren't so just plain stupid."

"Dobby! Does this mean what Winky thinks it does?"

"Yes Winky, yes. Snaperman is up to something. This sounds like a job for Dobby! The Amazing Free Elf!"

"And his faithful sidekick, The Winkinator!"

And with that, the loving happy house elves fell into their all too common breakdancing routine of justice.

_**

* * *

**_


	10. Someone Shoot That Hat!

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER TEN – Someone Shoot That Hat!**

Harry discovered Draco's house elf bonding went off without a hitch. He discovered this when he got a strong hug from the blonde boy who was crying tears of joy and screaming "Poncy is so happy Mistress's Master is so good to Mistress!"

Apparently Harry had seen enough this summer and didn't even notice Draco's new house elf name was Poncy rather than Drakey-poo or some other such rubbish. Or maybe he was just maturing and would have taken no pleasure in mocking the boy. Okay, probably not the case, but it is possible.

It was the Headmaster who came up with Cissy and Poncy Chaos's disguise. He apparently got the idea from muggles. He borrowed Harry's glasses and cast a couple of duplication charms. Then he popped out the lenses and exclaimed "Ta-da!"

The happy house elf family put on their disguises and stared at each in other in awe. "It's like you're a whole new Poncy!" Cissy happily exclaimed. "Mistress looks nerdy!" Poncy eagerly replied. Poncy seemed to be enjoying the disguise. As evidenced by the fact that he kept smiling while poking his finger through the empty glasses frame and poking himself in the right eye. He finally stopped when he sent some 'accidental magic' into his eye and started seeing pretty pinks everywhere. Cissy quickly healed the cut and cleaned up the blood.

Snatch was quite startled the day before they were going to catch the Hogwarts Express when Mini-Minnie came down carrying Crookshanks. Snatch had not seen Crookshanks all summer and was quite shocked that he could hear him.

"My sweet Hermione. Your incredible brilliance is only matched by your breathtaking beauty. I only wish there were more hours in the day, so I could spend more time covering your naked body with kisses and licks." Mini-Minnie was blushing quite a bit.

"Please allow me to nestle into the warmth of your lap, and I promise to press up against you and purr as hard as I can. Bringing you pleasure, brings me more pleasure than you could ever imagine. Oh my soft tender Hermione. Purrrrrrrrrr."

Cottontail spoke up. "Quite a motor on Crookshanks there Min-Min. I can hear him purring from over here." This just made Hermione blush more.

Horny looked at Mini-Minnie and added "He's talking to you, isn't he? Man, I need to get a pet goat to talk secretly with."

"Whatever Aberforth." Cottontail replied with a roll of her eyes.

Snatch scowled at that and called for Hedwig. The feisty snowy owl came flying in the room. "I'm not your fucking dog, my Harry-Wizard, so don't expect me to come running every time you want your balls licked. Although, on second thought…yummy."

Snatch had gotten used to Hedwig's attitude and a lot of her mannerisms made more sense lately. "I know Hedwig. I just wanted to ask if you could understand Crookshanks."

Horny was mumbling about ruddy birds speaking up, and how rude half conversations in front of people are.

Hedwig replied. "Of course I can my Harry-Wizard. I'm Hedwig."

Snatch continued "Why is that though? I didn't think other kinds of animals could communicate the same."

Hedwig was getting annoyed with her dead sexy Harry-Wizard. "Do I look like a bushy-haired friendless freak? I have no frigging idea."

Luckily Crookshanks heard Snatch's question, and as Mini-Minnie had said, he is articulate and intelligent. "Ah my tactless friend, the reason involves magical creatures' ability to speak through the magic. Since you are a magical bird, you can hear any magical creature speaking. It is the magic that makes it possible. And since I am part kneazle as well as part cat, I can speak with both you and my sweet warm flower here. Purrrrrrr."

Mini-Minnie paled at this. "Snatch? You can –eep– understand Crookshanks?"

Snatch smiled bright and wide. "Maybe…my sweet Hermione."

Horny yelled out an "Oi! Think Tonks." Snatch got a supremely satiated smile as his thoughts wandered as per ordered.

"Anyways guys, I was thinking we need our own private Marauders' headquarters to plan pranks, mix up the potions, store the stuff no one else can see, et cetera." Snatch explained.

"The Room of Requirement is too well known. Kids treat it like a new Astronomy Tower these days. Did you have anywhere in particular in mind? We'd need it to be secret and be able to keep everyone else out of it." Mini-Minnie explained in her sexy librarian voice doing her best to ignore Crookshanks whispering sweet nothings to her lap.

Snatch looked over at Cottontail. "Actually I know a perfect place. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only person known in the world that could possibly get in there. It's just there are just a few bad memories in there."

Cottontail looked a bit scared but understood immediately. Horny wasn't so quick. "What you talking about mate?"

Snatch's eyes never left Cottontail. Mini-Minnie spoke up for them all. "Snatch is suggesting the Chamber of Secrets. And, if Cottontail is up for it, I too think it's perfect."

Cottontail spoke up "It is perfect. As far as I know no one else even knows where the entrance is. And I could really use some good memories of that place. We can set up anything we want. And as spooky as it would be, Snatch could easily work on his other animagus form there."

Horny thought they were all a bit barmy.

Snatch added "We'll use it tomorrow night for the second part of the prank, and we can find a way to put in the passwords into your bracelets then. I'll see if Dobby and Winky want to work on cleaning it up a bit."

It was at this point Snatch heard Crookshanks get quite a bit more graphic and intense in his ministrations. "I want to crawl into your womb my luscious pussy-gato." And he continued to lick her pants in a particularly sensitive spot. Snatch was just laughing at the two crazy kitties.

Hermione quickly picked up an irritated Crookshanks and went to go lock him in her room. Harry wasn't sure what to think when she didn't come back down.

"Hey Moony!" Harry called.

"Yes Snatch?" the elder Marauder inquired with a grin.

"I wanted to know: Did you...umm…did you name me Snatch because I'm a snidget?"

Now Moony knows Harry always has his heart in the right place. He never questions that. But his brain is another matter. Half the time Moony doubted Harry really knew where his brain was. Remus rolled his eyes. "No Snatch. I chose that nickname because your other animagus form is gigantic, thick, hard, and turns heterosexual men to stone."

Harry relaxed at this. "Oh good. I was afraid it was because my name is Harry."

* * *

The next morning the four new Marauders packed up their stuff and headed off to Kings Cross station to catch a ride. They had everything planned for their introductory prank and were very much looking forward to this year. Snatch congratulated Cottontail on not making prefect and set her up to cover for him if need be. Horny and Mini-Minnie both had the prefects meeting to deal with. 

Dobby and Winky said they sensed some evil afoot and informed Harry they were going to be fighting for freedom and justice and would meet him at Hogwarts later so he could lead them into the future Marauder's lair. Harry thought that sounded like an excellent idea and wished them well. Although Harry did seem surprised when Winky said "Winky be back," moonwalked a few steps away from him and disappeared in a snap of her fingers.

Snaperman's plan was all set. He developed a new potion that would grease up the track and with less friction the Hogwarts Express would be careening along at almost 5 full kilometers an hour faster than it was supposed to be going. He then put a large box of acidic liquid explosives right at the Hogsmeade station. And with the extra speed, it would arrive many seconds before anyone would be prepared for it. With his new potion the train would be going too fast, be unable to stop, and crash into the explosives setting off a deadly chain of events culminating in the election of S. S. Snape as Supreme Commander of the world. He really had a good feeling that this plan was going to work. Maybe it's just the power of optimism but Snaperman's gut told him this was a winner.

Well, no one has ever said Snaperman's gut was always spot on. The Winkinator knew quite well how the criminally incompetent think. Dobby, the Amazing Free Elf recognized the foreign substance on the track. He had no presumptions that it was a new and dangerous potion. He knew very well exactly what the mysterious substance was. Many nights he spent playing Crisco Twister with Winky, and he was very familiar with all the major brands of shortening. Water never helps wash it off, but a quick scrubbing with a peanut butter soaked sponge and they were all set. He even attached more peanut butter sponges to the front of the train, in case there was more Crisco on the tracks further up. Dobby, the Free Elf truly earned the Amazing in his name.

The train ride was uneventful. The kids were all seen getting on. And they were all seen getting off. Neville and Luna rode with Ginny, who casually explained Harry needed to run to the bathroom for about 3-4 hours. Ron and Hermione came back from the prefect meeting and the kids all caught up with each other after their summers. When the train arrived at the normal time and had traveled the normal speed, The Winkinator went to go take care of the peanut butter sponges. It was then that she noticed an apparently formerly invisible box got peanut butter all over it. A little rubbing and she saw an address on it. She felt the best thing to do was to just send it back there, as they'd apparently lost it when it became invisible. A quick snap of her fingers and the box was deposited into a seldom used storage room of the elegant Snape Manor. Little did anyone realize that over time, the peanut butter would eat through the box and corrode the casings on the explosives. There was a ticking time bomb in his home and the Snaperman was none the wiser. Oh the bitter, caustic, biting irony. Poor, poor Snaperman.

The young Marauders were extremely eager to see the results of their first prank, but knew they would have to wait until after the feast. A quick carriage ride and they settled into the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall entered with all the new first years, and they sat the Sorting Hat on his stool awaiting his annual song. What followed could not be explained by mere magic. Many people throughout history have claimed it must have been manipulated and charmed by the Marauders though they claimed no responsibility. You see the Sorting Hat apparently tired of his usual limericks and songs and did something so horrible, so ghastly, that it really cannot be properly explained in words. It needed to be heard to truly understand this calamity. The truth is the Hat did not sing at all this year. The Hat rapped. It started by first just nodding its little Hat tip to some bass line beat only it could hear. Keeping the beat it began:

_Guess who's back.   
Back Again._

_Marauders are back.  
Tell a friend._

_Guess who's back, Guess who's back, Guess who's back,  
Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah._

_Yes I'm the Sorting Hat: a thinking cap and all that.  
I'm a ratty tattered rapping capping warning giving hat.  
If Godric'd seen what I seen, and am reduced to now being,  
the man woulda shat, Helga'd laugh,  
Rowena'd smack Salz cuz he never gave a crap.  
Not to brag or to seem, crass, rude, or demeaning,  
but you'd know that I'm right if you'd seen what I've seen.  
Cause ya see, when you look at me, and listen to me,  
I'll tell you who's what and just where you should be._

_Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah._

_I've been here before, ickle firsties and more,  
judging qualities and attributes of the great Hogwarts Four.  
Courage and recklessness war to define the great hoard,  
of masses and masses of bored Gryffindors.  
Hex first, curse some more, planning ahead is a bore,  
We're the brave. Leave the thinking all to Dumbledore._

_Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah._

_Ravenclaw maintains, that they've got the brains  
to avoid the blood stains and make this peace reign.  
It may sound insane, but the truth remains;  
Not all knowledge is in books but experience the same._

_Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah._

_They may not seem tough or treat Death Eaters rough  
but loyalty's enough for a just Hufflepuff.  
Friendship, kindness, caring, and just enough fluff  
Mess with Hufflepuff muff and they'll rough up your stuff._

_Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah._

_Dear Saladbar thought that he wouldn't be caught  
and tried to change his name whether Godric liked it or not.  
Sneaky old Slytherin, too full of ambition,  
found cunning within and stills fights tradition.  
He knows that it's not about blood or skin,  
nor where you've been, or how you fit in.  
Slytherins are not, all evil and rot.   
There's been a lot of good people  
or ones who just don't get caught._

_Bah-nah-nah meep meep meep meep. Bah-nah-nah._

_And so now you can see, why it's left up to me  
to give you: your future, your fate, your destiny.  
You are all aware, the dark lord was a bear,  
he was sick and depraved and clearly not all there.  
Forget despair, he no longer breathes air  
He's dead, gone for good, no more nightmare.  
Try not to stare neither here nor there  
and remember before I get in your hair.  
Heed my warning, be fair, act like you don't care,  
laugh at their pranks, but you should be scared  
The Marauders are everywhere._

_Enemies of the heir,  
beware._

The Hall erupted into applause, particularly from the more muggle-raised students who at least knew a bit more about music than Stubby Boardman and The Weird Sisters. A few traditionalists were appalled and most everyone was muttering about who or what the Marauders are. Dumbledore stood up and called for silence. The Hall was completely silent aside from Professor McGonagall's fearful sniffles.

"Thank you for the warning, Mr. Hat. I know I'm hungry, so why don't you call up some first years to be sorted, Professor?"

McGonagall composed herself, and the rest of the sorting proceeded without incident though the Headmaster's eyes never left the Marauders for a second. He knew for sure they were up to something. He wasn't sure whether or not they had bewitched the Sorting Hat. He doubted it for now, but didn't want to put anything past them. And he'd thought he'd overheard talk around Grimmauld Place of a spiked beverage.

"I'll save my announcements until after we've eaten. For now, I have this to say: Onomatopoeia!" And with a clap of his hands the food appeared all over the tables in the great hall.

Luckily he was watching very closely, and saw Mr. Potter cast his own special revealing spell as the food appeared. Quite visible all over all the tables, there were more beverage selections than usual. For every one jug of Pumpkin Juice on a table, there was also one jug of Grape Kool-Aid, Cherry Kool-Aid, Orange Kool-Aid, Fruit Punch Kool-Aid, and the highly touted Green Kool-Aid. The Green isn't exactly lime or apple, it's just green. Many muggle-borns recognized this and took great advantage of the sweet tasting sugar water. A few of the purebloods turned up their nose at a muggle drink, but the majority of the students seemed quite happy to have some of the tasty beverage.

Albus saw this immediately, and cast a spell on the nearest jug of Kool-Aid. Sure enough there was some sort of magical effect added to the drink. He was unable to tell what it would do, but it was clearly not simple Kool-Aid. The rest of the staff followed Albus's lead and avoided the Kool-Aid at all costs. Once almost everyone had finished their dinner, and Albus decided he was done waiting on Ron Weasley to finish, he stood up to address the students again.

"Before you go back to your common rooms and nestle snugly into your warm beds, I have a few announcements to make. First I would like you to welcome back to the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, Professor Lupin." Remus took a small bow to the huge applause he garnered. Apparently quite a few kids were tired of bad DADA teachers.

"I would also like to welcome our new Slytherin Head of House and Potions instructor, Professor Chaos." The Slytherins cheered the loudest, but it seemed everyone was quite happy to be rid of the greasy git. "Her son, Poncy, will be assisting in her classes. Please make them feel most welcome, and do not disturb them if they wish to be left alone."

Poncy waved with a bright smile confident no one would be able to see through his disguise. He received some slightly confused applause but Poncy sure didn't care.

"And lastly, I would like you all to welcome our new caretakers, Misters Fred and George Weasley." The two individuals at the end of the table who no one had noticed stood proudly with wicked smiles on their faces as they stared directly at the new Marauders.

This was news to the staff. "Mercenaries indeed." Remus mumbled, though you would be hard-pressed to hear it over Minerva's sobs.

"The Forbidden Forest continues to be Forbidden, and no magic is to be practiced in the halls. Prefects, please lead the-" and it was this that was the trigger to set off the prank the Marauders were getting so terribly itchy waiting to see.

The Headmaster stopped mid-sentence and his eyes bugged out as he fell to the floor and watched his legs detach at the knee and start to run away. He looked around and saw all the rest of the staff watch on in horror as their legs took off out the Hall as well. Many of the purebloods saw theirs go and dove after them, but their legs got away quite freely. Much of the hall was cracking up now that some of the shock had passed, and they seemed to drift back into silent sniggering as all the left legs came back into the hall. The legs were carrying a pair of crutches each, and a personal note attached to the crutches that read:

_Dear Body,  
I've had enough. I need a break from us. I just need some space. I may be back tonight, I may not. I just need to decide if I can continue going on like this. Just know that I still love you.  
Always yours,  
Right Leg_

The flip side of the card had a golden "M" in a circle with a stag, large black dog, and wolf running around it.

Remus thought it was absolutely beautiful. Even he had no idea that the prank was already on everyone and the Kool-Aid was the antidote. He didn't know how or where it got placed but he was happy to take his crutches and hobble his one-legged self back to his private quarters to laugh some more at the image of a legless shocked Dumbledore laying on the ground.

In the commotion and continuous laughter that followed the Marauders had snuck out and were on their way to the Chamber of Secrets. They had some work to do tonight.

_**

* * *

**_


	11. The Marauder's Lair

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER ELEVEN – The Marauder's Lair  
**

"Hey Harry?"

"Yes Myrtle?"

"Do you know why there are several dozen hopping right legs in my bathroom here?"

"It is highly likely I do Myrtle. I think it would be safe to assume they won't be there for long though. Hey Myrtle?"

"Yes Harry?"

"Do you think we could keep a few secrets? Just us? As in no reporting to Dumbledore?"

"I think I could do that. As long as you met with some conditions."

"And what conditions would those be?"

"I know you're going to be following in your father and godfather's footsteps and doing an awful lot of pranking this year."

"And just how would you know that?"

"Dumbledore has all the ghosts and portraits working for him to keep an eye on the school. And particularly the Marauders."

"That is very interesting information Myrtle. I would imagine that not all of the ghosts or portraits like taking orders."

"Most of them don't mind actually, although I suspect they would all enjoy harmless pranks on the Headmaster as much as the next person."

"Well then you may like to hear that the especially pale and wrinkly leg over there with the orange and neon green sock inside a bowling shoe is the Headmaster's leg."

"Damn son, nice one!" she said with a very sexual shudder.

"I fear I may be digressing. What conditions did you say you had?"

"Oh. That. Well, the Headmaster has assigned the Grey Lady as his lead ghost. Honestly I have no idea why. Such a useless fat hussy…"

"He chose her over you Myrtle? That's simply preposterous!"

"Thank you Harry. My thoughts exactly. Anyways, I would just greatly appreciate it if you could make sure and perhaps catch the Grey Lady in an accidental crossfire or three."

"Oh Myrtle, you know I take good care of my friends."

"Oh yes you most certainly do. Why I heard Tonks talking here just the other night about this somersault thing where you arch your back and insert both big toes into-"

"Oi Myrtle! How bout a little respect to present company." Horny apparently got sick and tired of just listening to Snatch and Myrtle prattle on forever.

Cottontail apparently did not have the same reservations Horny did. "Hey! Let the woman speak. Please Myrtle, continue with as much detail as you wish."

Snatch decided this had gone on far enough. "Yes Myrtle we'd be glad to see to it that the Headmaster recognizes the error of his ways in entrusting this task to a Lady of her means rather than an enchanting beauty such as yourself."

"You're so sweet Harry. You should know that Peeves was quite uncooperative with the Headmaster. I suspect he would be happy to be of assistance as well."

"Thank you Myrtle. We're going to now be setting up a headquarters of sorts. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, would you be so kind as to keep an eye open when you're around? And alert us to any others trying to locate us?"

"I'd be happy to be of any help I could. Do you perhaps know if any of the new prefects are particularly cute?"

Snatch bit his tongue imagining the fates in store for some of them. Horny seemed to be getting a sickly pale color at the direction this conversation was going. "To be fair Myrtle, I'm not sure what your type is."

Myrtle got a husky undertone in her voice. "My type _is_ about 5'9", vivid green eyes, wild black hair, lightning bolt scar, and a quidditch body so tight you would swear it's a tootsie pop. I can't stop dreaming finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of-"

"Urm, nope. None of those types are new prefects. Although Colin Creevey is a new prefect. Catch him in an embarrassing moment, and you could probably blackmail him for some of his private photography collection. I don't know for sure, but something tells me he's got a few pictures of your type that I'd personally rather not know about."

Myrtle closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She seemed to be inhaling the pheromones in the air. Quite a feat for an incorporeal ghost.

"Urrrrrhhhawwrrr. I think I could use a cold shower. Good luck with your legs, Harry. We'll be in touch." And a deep guttural moan, not the kind you usually associate with Myrtle, was heard as she dove headfirst into her favorite U-bend.

Mini-Minnie had watched the entire exchange slowly changing her opinion of Snatch. "You know Snatch you'd make a real good politician."

"Thank you Mini-Minnie."

"That wasn't a compliment."

A scowl, a perimeter charm, and a hissed out "Open" later, the four Marauders were setting up shop in their new lair. It made for quite a sight to see rows of three independent right legs following them in formation.

They had to first identify just whose legs were whose. Then they would apply a series of charms on all three: the leg, the sock, and the shoe in case one of the charms is broken. They created bracelets that would act as sonar beacons so they would always know when any professors were coming, who they were, and from where. They also included a series of connected crystals they could use to open listening lines or have conversations, a sort of magical walkie-talkie. The bracelets also stored a recording of the two parseltongue passwords to get into the chamber, so they would not be reliant on Snatch to enter and leave. Once all the legs and footwear they wanted to have linked was setup, and the communications and passwords were enchanted, they just needed to seal it with the strongest locking and then unbreakable spell that they could. Naturally that meant Snatch was doing this part. Snatch focused his mind and magic as best he could and bellowed out the incantation to the spell.

The resultant flash of light made Horny exclaim "Oh my vagina!"

This made Snatch and Mini-Minnie both turn their heads sharply to look at their odd friend. The red-headed one. That is to say the male red-headed one in the immediate vicinity. Mini-Minnie looked at the bracelets now that they had been locked and said "Bloody hell Snatch. You juiced these things up but good. Now they're made of fricking diamond!"

"Oops. Does that mean they won't work?"

Cottontail frowned looking at them. "No, they'll work just fine. It's just now they're a bit … garish."

"Cottontail, _you_ bought a pair of white jeans."

Cottontail frowned in remembrance of her wild youth. "Because of those jeans, I'm never going to win an argument for at least the next ten years, am I?"

Horny, Mini-Minnie, and Snatch all said in unison, "Nope."

"Someday I will kill that blonde-haired muggle sales-bitch. Lies. That's all they ever speak are lies!"

They harvested toe hair off all the staff and most of the students. There was going to be a wide selection of polyjuice options available this year. The four quietly snuck back up to Gryffindor tower. Luckily Horny and Mini-Minnie were prefects and already knew the password. They were in bed by 1 AM. The right legs were going to be going home to re-attach at approximately 2 AM.

Their first day back had been an immense success.

* * *

The next morning classes began and the four made it down to breakfast and got their schedules. Defense first with Remus and then a break until lunch. Cottontail had Potions first. Everyone was a bit apprehensive to see just what kind of a train wreck Professor Cissy was going to be. She still seemed unable to refer to herself properly and even worse pronounced it "Presfessor." Which for some reason Snatch and Horny thought sounded close to enough to "_breasts_-something" to make them laugh every time. 

Defense class went as expected. Professor Lupin complimented the unknown mysterious Marauders on a well developed prank and gave a brief overview about what the class would consist of this year. He warned them that even though this year was a respite between OWL's and NEWT's that didn't mean they could slack off. He asked Snatch, Mini-Minnie and Horny to stay after class.

Once the area had been cleared out, Professor Lupin was temporarily absent, and elder Marauder Moony was back. "Alright Snatch, spit it out. How'd you guys pull off that prank at the feast? I haven't been able to figure when you could have or where you could have possibly gotten everyone with it."

Snatch knew he had to word this carefully as they didn't want any suspicion on the fact that the resultant loss of legs had an additional purpose to the Marauders. And he had to be wary of certain hidden people overhearing them.

"Well, I would imagine the Headmaster had people assure him I got on the Hogwarts Express and got off it with my friends. But who's to say I didn't take a side trip of my own for a few hours. It is entirely theoretically possible that I may have made it to Hogwarts, and I may have borrowed Cottontail's wand to cast the charm over the entranceway to the Great Hall so anyone walking through that door would be affected. Is it also a viable possibility that I followed that up with a masking charm with my own wand, thus ensuring none of the original spell could be detected, unless you happen to be strong enough to overcome my masking charm. Not necessarily saying I did that, or that I brought Dobby with me to begin some renovations on a private Marauder's Lair, but theoretically everything I just said is completely possible."

Remus was cracking up at Snatch never admitting to anything and Horny and Mini-Minnie kept rolling their eyes at him. "You know I cannot break my Marauder's Honor and tell on any of your pranks, why are you being so vague?"

Mini-Minnie hesitantly answered that one. "We have reason to believe the Headmaster would stoop so low as to subtly spy on you to keep us under his control."

"But the Headmaster's not here is he? I know he can make himself invisible but I don't smell him at all."

Horny added "Perhaps you should direct your sense of smell about ten feet directly behind Snatch just inside the door."

Remus's senses perked up. "Hey you're right! I can notice a very clear lack of smell there and it seems to be scurrying back out the door and is going in that direction!" He exclaimed with a smile and a finger pointed to his left.

Remus let out a low wolf whistle. "You kids are already too good at this you know."

Mini-Minnie got an evil look on her face and winked. "Oh Moony, we're just getting warmed up."

* * *

They met up with Cottontail at lunch. They asked her about Potions and found out many of their fears were unjustified. Apparently everyone was so shocked at having such a bright shiny clean Potions classroom and kind, courteous instruction that they completely overlooked the teacher and her assistant's odd house elf like behavior. Although Cottontail thought someone should explain to Cissy that "OWL's" is not a two syllable word pronounced "oh-wells." 

The prank last night and the mysterious Marauders seemed to be the focal point of the majority of conversations throughout the next day. Classes continued and the kids were planning to meet back up in their new lair tonight to discuss the issue of the school's new caretakers.

As they were leaving dinner, Crabbe and Goyle hurried up to catch up with them.

"Potter!" Crabbe yelled while Goyle smacked him. "Err, I mean Harry!"

Goyle then spoke up more than they had ever heard him. "Can we talk to you? Somewhere we won't be overheard?"

Mini-Minnie, Cottontail, and Horny weren't in the slightest worried about Snatch but they were extremely curious what was going on. Snatch just waved them off. "I'll catch up with you guys in a bit."

Snatch led the two hulking behemoths into an unknown corridor and then turned to the massive leaderless followers. "Alright guys, what's up?"

The pair looked a bit sheepish and blushed. "Err, see the thing is. We don't want to end up like our dads."

"Yeah, we don't support the Dark Lord and were hoping you could help us?"

"We want to join the light side!"

"We can be spies for you!"

"Anything we hear about you'll be the first to know!"

"The other Death Eaters make fun of us."

"They think we're stupid."

Snatch was getting a bit flabbergasted. It was like watching some sort of twisted 'Who's on First' skit variation where the characters were too confused to realize they were confused. "You guys know the Dark Lord is gone now, right?"

They both looked at Snatch in awe. "He is? Really?"

"Yeah guys, it has been in all the papers pretty much daily since it happened. You, err, can read, can't you?"

"Most of the time. Not the big words though."

"I like the pictures better. They're funny."

"So who got the Dark Lord? Was it you or Doubledoor?"

Snatch smiled a bit at the pronunciation. "I uh stunned him, and he was put on trial."

"Yeah, good work there mate!"

"Too right!"

"Hey does this mean we don't have to hide our loyalties anymore?"

"Should we stop acting as spies now?"

Snatch just stared blankly. "Yeah, umm. Listen, the, umm, war with the Dark, is pretty much over for now. You guys picked the winning side. Good work."

"Good work mate!" Crabbe said with a firm slap to Goyle's behind.

"You too mate!" Goyle responded with an equally firm slap on Crabbe's.

"Maybe we should keep our cover for now."

"At least until the rest of the Death Eaters are caught."

Snatch was beginning to wonder just why exactly he was in this conversation. "You guys do whatever you think is best. It's umm, good to hear you've got your priorities in order."

Crabbe and Goyle just nodded their heads eagerly. "So like Harry, you uhh got anything you want us to do for now?"

Snatch wasn't quite sure what to say to that until he came up with a brief idea. "Hmm, you know, you might become friends with the Potions Professor's son, Poncy. He might be your kind of guy. Just a thought."

Crabbe and Goyle winked obviously at Snatch and said, "Reading ya loud and clear boss." They followed that up with a few more blatant winks.

Snatch decided it was time for the hasty retreat as he feared there was lust in some of those winks. "We should probably get going here. You know, don't want to attract too much attention."

"Rriiiigghhtt." They said in unison.

Then, also in unison, they dropped to their knees, kissed Snatch's feet and said "Thank you Master." They scuttled backwards out the corridor never raising their heads to look back up in Snatch's eyes.

Snatch could only watch in horror as Goyle stumbled and Crabbe backed his rear end right into Goyle's unsuspecting face, before they both just stood up and ran in opposite directions at the first intersection. A few seconds later Crabbe was seen running back and chasing down Goyle as it appeared he had chosen the right direction.

Snatch made his way down into their surprisingly comfortable Marauder's Lair. "Sorry guys, but I'm afraid we should cross off Crabbe and Goyle from our top prank targets list."

"Too easy?" asked Cottontail.

Snatch shook his head exasperatedly. "It'd be like stealing candy from a dead baby."

_**

* * *

**_


	12. In Honor of Padfoot

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER TWELVE – In Honor of Padfoot **

The kids all decided to treat the caretakers as the opposition in a target-specific prank war. But they weren't going to be making the first move. If the twins pranked them, then it would be on hardcore. But for now, they'd see how long they could idle by on the philosophy of "Live and let live." They wondered if Dumbledore realized what he was getting into. Right now, they were putting it at 50-50 as to whether Hogwarts would still be standing by the end of the next year.

They were gearing up for tomorrow morning's prank scouring through all the old Marauder's journals. Both researching history as well as getting inspiration for future pranks. Harry was reconciling an idea he had. He had found some of Slytherin's personal books in a hidden library Tom must have used back when he was a student. One of the books was on the art of parseltongue. As well as the ways to use it in magic. Harry had been particularly intrigued by a chapter that explained how some spells can be cast normally by saying them in parseltongue, and then as such only be able to be countered by the countercurse _in parseltongue_. That coupled with some of the old Marauder's classic simple pranks made up a whole new ballgame.

After talking it over with some of the kitchen elves, and particularly Winky's influence, they had the stage all set for breakfast. Apparently Dobby isn't quite held in as high esteem among the elves. Harry wasn't the least bit surprised and was quite happy Dobby was the way he was.

The trio was also quite looking forward to the two classes they had tomorrow. Transfiguration with a frequently scared and crying Professor McGonagall, who Hermione desperately wanted to corner and prove that she knows she's her future self. And Potions with Professor Chaos and her house elf son Poncy. Harry wasn't certain but he seemed to have convinced himself that he predicted this exact situation and new teacher back in first year. He was remembering back to his first Potions class and good old Snapey's speech about putting a stopper in Death. He remembered thinking, 'Bah. This greasy git won't last to the sixth year. By then I'll probably be king of the world, and own that ferrety looking boy's mum as a slave and I'll make her teach the class. And she will have ample bosom.' Harry shook his head and snapped back to the present. He had long ago accepted that he would probably have issues with his mother all his life. 'Love Protection, Schmove Schmotection.'

The Marauders were all enjoying their breakfast waiting until the set time. The Headmaster's eyes widened as he suddenly realized he was not in control of his body and stood up. "May I have your attention please." Nor his mouth apparently. "I wanted to let you all know that about twenty-something odd years ago I caught a student out of bounds by the lake at 2:00 AM. He was completely naked and didn't seem to care in the slightest. I believe he had been coming back from a date with the giant squid. And rather than conjure some clothes and punish him normally through points or detention, I elected to join him in a state of nudity, and personally escorted him back to Gryffindor Tower in complete silence. I think I might have made him cry." And then the Headmaster sat down. A wave of laughter erupted among everyone at breakfast.

Madame Hooch found herself unable to control her body or mouth next and stood. "There was once a particularly cheeky Gryffindor who was trying out for Beater who had a habit of annoying me. I convinced him to wear a 'magical' cup that supposedly not only completely protected the wearer but actually rebounded the bludger with twice the force back. He was in the hospital wing for a week and I got reamed a new one by Madame Pomphrey."

The laughter kept rolling as Madame Pomphrey stood up. "I was stuck with this cheeky brat who kept asking me to 'help him get some feeling back' in what he called 'Paddy Junior.' Twice I caught him spelling my robes to appear like muggle hospital robes with a clear and wide view of my backside. Two other times I didn't catch him. He kept asking about the relationship between dogs in heat and witch's menstrual cycles. He even asked if Giant Squid's could have abortions. He was a bit surprised to learn the giant squid in Hogwarts Lake is a male."

Next Hagrid stood and spoke in surprisingly good English. Must have been the potion. "I remember drinkin' wit' him, and somehow we got onnah the topic of Cerberuses. He fervently believed that a dog 'aving sex wit' a Cerberus should count as a genuine foursome. He even offered photographic proof to back it up." Everyone in the hall was continuously laughing by this point.

Remus stood and said "One time in sixth year, I slipped some suggestive potion into his firewhiskey and got him severely intoxicated. I then convinced him to go hump our Head of House's leg. A friend and I followed him under an invisibility cloak and silencing charm. I was laughing so hard I actually conjured a working camera out of accidental magic."

Minerva had been wearing the most fearful look on her face until she slipped into a calm mask and stood up. "I once slipped a student some suggestive potion and told him to prank his friend as devilishly as he could come up with." Everyone had tears in their eyes laughing by now. "I also remember a large black dog humping my leg…" here she was visibly fighting the potion but appeared to be losing, "…and I remember liking it." Fred and George at this point fell laughing out of their seats at the staff table.

A modified Weasley Whizfire Whizbang went off and the fireworks behind the staff table spelled out "In Honor of Padfoot" and below was a picture of a large black dog quite happily attached to the Deputy Headmistress's leg. And only the Marauder's and Professor McGonagall knew it, but her recently reattached leg felt as though a dog was licking it.

The laughter and ensuing havoc provided ample distraction for Horny, Cottontail, Mini-Minnie, and Snatch to escape. A brief side-trip past the Headmaster's office after Cottontail left on her way to Arithmancy, and the trio was headed to the dungeons. They were extremely grateful they had Potions first and didn't have Transfiguration until after lunch. 'Maybe Hermy Senior will have cooled off by then,' Horny thought.

The kids arrived at the dungeon and thought they had just walked into another world. The room had to be the cleanest and brightest room in all of Hogwarts. There were large windows that were charmed to show outside and it was a gorgeous sunny day. Happy little birds were flying by the window singing songs. Harry knew they were all just dirty limericks, but no one else did. There were clean well organized stocked stations to work at, with all sorts of shiny new tools. They had succeeded. They had created the Anti-Snape.

The trio settled into stations as Poncy waved eagerly at them with a bright smile on his face. Everyone walking in the door knew right away Potions was not going to be like it was before. Professor Chaos was restraining herself admirably, smiling and nodding a welcome to students as they walked in. If you didn't know better you'd swear this woman was going to be an excellent well-adjusted Professor. And like with every proper hangover, the dream ended when she opened her mouth to talk.

"Welcome class! Presfessor Chaos be me. Yous may call me Presfessor or Cissy if yous prefer." She said nearly bursting with fear and joy.

The trio was all groaning inwardly. 'This could get ugly.'

Cissy looked down and began to read off her cue card. "Yous be here to be learned subtle science and artses of the Potions. Yous will not need be waving yous's wand all foolish-like but this still be magic. Cissy is gonna teach yous to bottle yous's fame, glue brory, and hows to kill a stopper." Cissy said with a smile so bright she must have understood what she said because the class obviously didn't.

Poncy then got up in a very obviously planned way, walked up to the Professor and handed her a sheet of parchment. "Thank you Poncy," she said. Poncy walked back to his spot with a couple of unshed tears of joy bubbling up. "Cissy now be reading yous partners yous will have."

"Mr. Crabbe, yous be with Mr. Goyle." The two young men stood up, hugged, and sat back down in the same seats they had by each other to begin with.

"Mr. Smith, yous be with Mr. McMillan. Miss Bones, yous be with Miss Abbott. Miss Patil, yous-"

Padma interrupted her, "Excuse me Professor, which Miss Patil?"

"And yous be?"

"Padma."

"Not yous." Padma sat back down.

"As Cissy was saying, Miss Patil, yous be with Miss Patil." Padma looked over at her twin, who she was already sitting next to and sighed.

"Mr. Weasley, yous be with Miss Ganger." Hermione was already rolling her eyes knowing the 'Ganger' was coming.

"And Master Potter yous be with Cissy."

Harry looked startled. "Umm, is that wise Professor? Wouldn't it be easier if I worked with other students?"

"No Cissy knows what Cissy doing. Master Potter yous with Cissy. But good question Master Potter. One million points to Gryffindor."

Zacharias Smith yelled out "Hey! That's a bit much don't you think?"

Cissy looked shocked "It is?" She looked to her Master for help. He was nodding fervently and mouthed "Way too much."

Cissy looked heartbroken but resigned. "Okay. Cissy…Cissy take back." She was fighting her natural instincts here. "But 10 points from Hufflepuff for speaking out of turn Mr. Smith." She looked to her Master for approval and he was smiling and giving her a thumbs up. Cissy let out an 'eep' of joy.

"Cissy sorry about the points, Master Potter."

Susan raised her hand. "Excuse me, Professor?"

"Yes Miss Bones?"

"Why do you keep calling Harry, Master?"

'Oh crap son of a monkey lover.' both Mini-Minnie and Horny thought. Snatch on the other hand, had prepared for this exact possibility. It's just a question of if Cissy can handle it.

"Cissy not calling Master Potter, Master Potter. Yous just hearing Cissy wrong."

Zacharias's hand shot into the air. "Yes Mr. Smith?"

"Are you sure you're saying _Mister_ Potter and not _Master_ Potter?"

"No _Mister_ Smith. Cissy knows she be calling Master Potter, Master Potter. Cissy is well aware Cissy is saying _Master_ Potter not _Master_ Potter. Okiedokie? Maybe yous need hearing checked too."

Harry smiled inwardly. 'Excellent.'

Cissy then put the instructions for a potion on the board and had everyone get started. She had Poncy going around the room to help everyone, answer questions, and generally make sure they were doing alright. Every time he left a pair of students he'd kiss them each on the cheek before moving on to the next pair. Crabbe and Goyle seemed to blush after they got their kisses.

Harry on the other hand was mildly frustrated because Cissy wasn't letting him do any work. Apparently since she's unable to do all the house elf things for him that she wants to do, she at least needs to take this time to chop up his ingredients for him, stir his potions, and just generally do all his Potions work for him. He got a few dirty looks from classmates thinking he was getting a bit of favoritism, but if this was Harry's cross to bear so be it. It was worth it. And it only added to the righteousness of the Anti-Snape.

* * *

Earlier in the Great Hall, the Headmaster tracked down his DADA teacher. "Excuse me, Professor Lupin?" 

"Please, sir, call me Remus."

"Well then I insist you call me Albus."

"I have for several years now Albus."

"Oh. Well carry on then."

Remus stared at the Headmaster for ten seconds now. "Um, Albus? Did you need me for something?"

"Oh yes, of course. Thank you for reminding me Remus. I sometimes drift off during these awkward sober hours. Yes I am in need of an expert in the pranking arts. I'm not asking for Mr. Moony's assistance, I know your loyal to your pack, I just require an additional intelligent mind to help me undo a small hex."

"What hex and where?"

"It appears to be a simple pinching hex, and it is on the gargoyle outside my office. It seems impossible to enter my office, or exit it without getting your bottom pinched. I found it extremely entertaining and quite funny, but alas, Minerva used it as the impetus in yet another one of her so-called 'Mental Breakdowns.' She needed to be sedated and is resting in Madame Pomphrey's care at the moment."

Remus was beginning to fear for his colleague's health, but Moony on the other hand clearly thought this to be an excellent challenge for a Marauder.

"Sure Albus, I'll go take a look at it. From the sound of it, that was one of the old standby's we used to always place on each other back when I was a student. It took about a dozen mornings in a row of waking up, stepping out of bed and getting pinched before Sirius caught on and would disable them before getting out of bed. Peter never did get in the hang of disabling them. I think he just started to like the pinching instead."

"Before I forget….again. Do you know where Mr. Potter and/or Miss Granger are at the moment?"

Remus didn't answer as both his and Albus's attention was drawn to the House cup were Gryffindor's point total just seemed to overflow and the points kept spewing up on their tally and falling all over the floor in the Great Hall. They were watching the situation with a slowing dawning horror coming over their faces, when all of sudden all the excess points just disappeared. As well as 10 points from Hufflepuff.

"I think it's safe to guess that they're in Potions at the moment Albus."

"I would have to concur with that Remus. Let's go check out my gargoyle, please."

Remus walked past the gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office and felt a firm pinch. "Yeowch!"

He cast a few identifying spells and tried 'Finite', 'Finite Incantatem', and even 'Nagana-Hoogana-Ragana' without any luck. "Albus, I'm stumped. I swear this is our standard pinch and binding we used to use all the time. We never could find a way to bind it more permanently because any simple 'Finite' would always counter it. It was great to catch unexpecting people or sleeping ones with it though."

Albus sighed. "I feared as much. Everything I've done indicates this hex will be undone with a simple 'Finite' but I've tried it several dozen times as well as every variation I can think of. This is not a matter of simple power either. I think the Marauders are testing me. And I am failing. Without violating your confidences, Remus, any insight you can divine for me would be helpful. Until then, my Deputy Headmistress refuses to meet in my office. Now to go arrange a substitute Transfiguration teacher for this afternoon. Good afternoon Remus."

Remus was snickering quietly to himself. Day three and already the Headmaster seems to be admitting defeat. "Good luck Headmaster."

Cissy looked up at the newcomer entering the classroom. "Presfessor Dumbledore! This be a pleasant surprise. What can Cissy do for yous?"

"Yes, pardon me, Breastfessor Chaos, I was hoping I could borrow Mr. Potter and Miss Granger for a moment."

"Of course. Master Potter, Miss Ganger." She responded nodding towards the individuals requested. They got up and followed the Headmaster out into the hallway.

Snatch and Mini-Minnie knew they had completely covered their tracks and couldn't get caught for any pranks though they wondered how long that would last. It wasn't a secret who was responsible just there was no evidence to prove it.

The Headmaster began, "You two have already surpassed my expectations for this year. As have your Weasley partners in pranking. Unfortunately there hasn't been any evidence pointing towards any culprits in these pranks so far, and as such I cannot punish them severely, perhaps with a cane, for their actions."

Snatch and Mini-Minnie maintained their innocent faces.

"Right now, our Transfiguration professor is resting comfortably. Unfortunately it took several tranquilizers to get her into that state. She is not as young as you are now." Hermione's suspicions seemed to want to infer quite a bit from the Headmaster's choice of wording there.

"As such, I thought it only fitting, since she is unable to teach this afternoon's class, that you Miss Granger take her place since you were going to be in that class anyway. I would like Mr. Potter to assist you in any way you desire, wish, or embarrassingly order him to. Professor McGonagall should be back to her usually spry self by tomorrow, so let us hope this is a one-time thing. You might want to advise all the Marauders to take it easy on her. These little episodes where she wails and cries and has a complete mental breakdown will quickly take a toll on her health."

Hermione felt like it was a dream come true. Teaching, instructing, the most honored of professions. She was plotting and planning that afternoon's class already in her head.

At lunch Hermione gave all three of the other Marauders firm smacks upside the head. "I told you not to kill old me! I think I can recognize when old me is about to blow a coronary." Snatch, Horny, and Cottontail looked a bit ashamed and decided to take it easier on their Head of House.

Transfiguration rolled around and the student's all filed in. They looked confused as to why Hermione was sitting up at the teacher's desk.

"Welcome class, Professor McGonagall had some personal issues to take care of and as such for today I will be leading the class. You can all still call me Hermione but if you feel the need to call me Professor Granger I just might make this class worth your while."

Lavender knew her roommate well and threw her hand in the air. "Professor Granger, what are we going to be studying today?"

Hermione smiled, looked down at some notes, and said "Well, Professor McGonagall's syllabus says 'Impress importance of NEWTs, review areas from OWLs.' But since she's not here, I think we should do something a bit more fun than that." She had the whole class's attention by now.

"Let's look at human to animal transfiguration. I'm sure many of you remember the evil Death Eater clone of Professor Moody who turned Malfoy into a ferret?"

Dean Thomas looked a bit shocked. "Err, evil Death Eater clone? What are you talking about Professor Granger?"

Hermione realized that little fact was not public knowledge. "Umm, I think you must have misheard me Mr. Thomas, I clearly said 'the real, _actual_ Professor Moody' not anything about clones." A quick clearing of her throat, and "Anyways, I thought we'd start by showing you the spell and incantation to turn a person into a goat. Mr. Weasley, if you would be so kind as to be my test subject?"

Ron got up with a smile. This class was going to be fun.

"Now this is a particularly difficult branch of magic, as such you must be very precise in your movements and your incantations." Ron stood across from Hermione and waited to see what she was going to do.

"First you must have a suitable arch in your back. And hold your non-wand hand out in front of you like you're holding onto the reins of a horse or thestral." Professor Granger seemed to be pushing her breasts forward as much as she possibly could, while also perking her ass in the air as much as she could. "And now you must be firm with your wand, and don't be afraid to leave marks on yourself." At this point she proceeded to gallop in place, and was smacking her ass with her wand like she was a jockey pushing on a racehorse. "Listen closely and observe now."

She turned to Ron and winked when she was facing away from the class. She proceeded to continuously give her own bottom a good thwacking while she incanted, "Lick me, Stick me, Prick me, Dick Me. Cries of sorrow, tears of joy, make this man into Goatboy!" And she snapped her wand forward and it emitted a loud whip-like crack, and with a soft 'pop' Ron was replaced with a goat.

The class was in complete shock. They seriously thought she was just making this up and was having them on. Harry was utilizing every ounce of control he had not to crack up.

"As you can see, it may be a bit unorthodox, but this can be a very effective spell. A bit too extensive for dueling purposes, but useful nonetheless. Now before I change Mr. Weasley back, I wanted to demonstrate how to go from human to a magical creature. Mr. Potter please come up here, and take off your shirt."

Snatch found the situation a lot less funny than it was a second ago.

Padma raised her hand. "Yes Miss Patil?"

"Umm, Professor Granger, I was always told it was impossible to transfigure animate living things into magical creatures?"

"Would you like to come up here and teach the class Miss Patil?"

"No! No sorry Professor. I too want Harry to take his shirt off."

"Excellent. Mr. Potter, stop stalling and hurry up."

"Now, for this demonstration I am going to turn Mr. Potter into a…..hmmm….what would his body most likely accept as a magical form. Of course! I shall transfigure him into a golden snidget. Now, the magic required to change him into something that is truly magical requires a deeper connection with the spell's target. Hence we need his shirt off."

Harry was just grumbling about revenge and neutering Crookshanks while he was disrobing.

Hermione at this point was licking her lips, and licking and sucking her wand as though it was something decidedly different. "Now that my wand is sufficiently connected with the magic, I must trace circles around Mr. Potter's nipples to create a focal point for the magic."

The class was transfixed in silence at this strange magic that made Harry alternate between blushing like crazy and paling in fear, not to mention the yummy shivers visibly running through his body. Harry stood there and took this, while a goat was in the corner laughing his goat head off.

Hermione explained the process as she placed her wand on her upper lip and curled it to press it firmly against her nose. Now with both hands free she clasped them together and did the wave. A few times through, as well as one stop, and then reversal of her wave direction and she was ready to proceed to the next step. She retrieved her wand from her upper lip and bellowed out the incantation "Crusty, Lusty, Busty Bitch, We need no cheese, We need no itch, Cross the boundaries, we need to bridge it, now take this boy and make him a snidget!" Another whip-crack and soft pop and there instead of a sad little boy with wet nipples was a snidget floating right at eye level.

The class let out a collective "Wowwwww." Well aside from the goat still laughing.

"The counter curses to both are "'I solemnly swear this is' followed by whomever it is." She walked over to the giggling goat and said "For example, 'I solemnly swear this is Ron Weasley.'" And just like that the goat popped back into Ron. The class was truly impressed. She placed the countercurse on the floating snidget that seemed to be trying to take a crap in her hair, and Harry Potter was welcomed back to the class with a hearty round of applause.

"Obviously, the degree of intimacy required for the magical creature transfiguration may be more than many of you are comfortable with. I will not ask anyone to try it, but if you feel comfortable enough with your partner, please feel free. Mr. Weasley, I would award Gryffindor points for your assistance if I could. Why don't you pair up with Mr. Longbottom, and Mr. Potter and I can help the other students."

"For now, though work on turning your partner into a goat. Remember to be firm with your ass paddling, and enunciate clearly 'Lick me, Stick me, Prick me, Dick Me. Cries of sorrow, tears of joy, make this man into Goatboy!' Do not worry about your partner's gender, it was simply a misogynistic old wizard who developed the spell and didn't make the incantation very politically correct."

"Miss Patil and Miss Patil, if you would like to forego the goat transformation and try for the snidget, please by all means give it a try."

They both smiled and blushed and said "Thank you Professor."

Hermione and Harry spent the rest of the class walking around the room and giving positive words of encouragement even though nobody was having any sorts of success.

Until Neville let out a loud whoop and yelled "I got it! I got it! Look at Ron!"

"Excellent work Mr. Longbottom! I knew you had it in you."

Once Harry got over his embarrassment and anger at Professor Granger, he realized any class with topless twins with wet nipples, and everyone else having a thoroughly smacked bottom is a pretty damn good class.

_**

* * *

**_


	13. Lunar Appetites

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN – Lunar Appetites **

"Now remember class, this magic I just taught you must remain super duper secret. I'm not even supposed to know it exists. It's an ancient and generally considered forgotten magic. It actually predates the Druids. The Smurferian era, it is called. They worshipped a Grand Papa as the society's leader. Pretty much every foundation for our concept of magic was defined, discovered, created, and taught during the premiere Smurferian age of enlightenment, specifically called the Age of Prongs."

Professor Granger was briefly interrupted by Horny's bark of laughter that he quickly turned into a hacking cough.

"So what you just saw and learned, I never taught you. It does not exist, and I will completely deny any reports or claims otherwise." A bright smile and nod, "Class dismissed."

The Ravenclaws would have usually thought all of that was a completely made up joke. But after the feats they saw performed, they simply had to accept completely ridiculous things Professor Hermione Granger tells them. Everyone else walked out of the class with a smile on their face. And quite a few of them had developed a new unconscious habit of spanking themselves with their wand, when they were just standing around or walking.

Once everyone had cleared out, Snatch turned to his best sexy librarian type friend. "Damn Mini-Minnie, you are the Queen. That was an absolutely masterful performance. I have to watch this again in the pensieve. Actually Cottontail and Moony need to see this too. There needs to be some sort of hall of fame we can put that entire class period into. You think we could make a Wizarding poster of the Patil twins?"

Horny exclaimed vehemently, "We definitely need to see the pensieve because you two have got to see the faces Neville made when he 'turned me into a goat.' And Wizarding poster of the Patil twins or not, I now have the most intense desire to learn the strongest Occlumency possible. I will die before I let anyone take that memory from me. Parvati's nipples looked darker than Padma's to you guys too right?"

"Yup." Harry quickly agreed and nodded.

"Actually it was more her left nipple than both of them put together." Mini-Minnie added.

"Hey before we go anywhere I want to go remove the pinching hex from the gargoyle. I'm feeling a bit bad about Professor McGonagall. You know Mini-Minnie you'd think you would have been ready for this if you were McGonagall."

"That's not necessarily true, if you factor in how barmy you are as the Headmaster. I'd be a bit loopy myself after all those years with you." Horny gave Mini-Minnie a silent high-five behind Snatch's back.

"I hate you guys."

* * *

After fixing the gargoyle the three went to meet up with Cottontail coming out of Defense. Cottontail came running up smiling and giggling. "You guys, I swear to Merlin, that whole class Luna was flirting with and trying to seduce Professor Lupin." 

The trio stopped and blinked in unison. A brief moment later Snatch added "Go Luna."

"Hey you guys wanna go grab Moony and show him the new officially rechristened Marauder's Lair?" Snatch asked.

Horny smiled. "Let's do that. And we can show Moony and Cottontail how our Transfiguration class went."

They were just heading to the Defense classroom to catch him, when Moony came running up and encased Snatch in a tight hug. "Snatch, you have no idea how proud Padfoot would be, how proud Prongs or Lily would be, or how proud I am. This morning was one the happiest I've had in almost fifteen years."

Horny raised an eyebrow, "You need to get laid more, Moony."

Cottontail spoke up "Come on Moony, you gotta see the official Marauder's Lair. And we can further discuss your relationship with our friend Luna."

Moony blushed and rolled his eyes. "Lead the way."

* * *

"A girl's toilet is your secret hideout? I thought you said it wasn't on the Map either. I gotta say so far I'm pretty disappointed." 

"Hey, ease up the toilet mate. This was where we brewed our first polyjuice potion back in second year." Snatch said with a cocky smile.

"You did WHAT in your WHAT year?" Apparently Moony wasn't completely up to date on their past history at Hogwarts.

Cottontail looked thoughtful. "Hmmph. You would think I would have run into you guys."

Horny looked at his sister a bit bittersweet. 'Wish I could bring her some happiness. She's had a rotten first few years at Hogwarts. Maybe I should make a saddle for a fox that fits on my goat back, and set up a slip'n'slide. Goodness knows we got the room and the dirty puddle for it here in the Lair.'

Snatch hissed out "Open" to the tap on the correct sink.

And the pieces finally came together for Moony. "Holy shit, this is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets! Oh my god you guys…" and here Moony paused and was considering something. "You guys set up your home pranking base in the Chamber of Secrets. That's fucking sweet!"

They all jumped down the pipe entrance, although Snatch transformed as he jumped and he flew way ahead of them. He even managed to stay clean and help the others up.

"Isn't there supposed to be a ghost that haunts that bathroom?"

"Yeah that's Myrtle. After classes end and before dinner, as well as in the mornings, she likes to spend time watching the Prefect's bathroom. She just seems to get herself all worked up and frustrated. I'd say it's not very healthy except she's too dead to worry about something like that."

"She ever tell you why she haunts the bathroom?"

Snatch rolled his eyes. "Yeah, she's a big fan of death. A bit bitter. She was actually the only victim when Tom Riddle first opened the Chamber of Secrets and he killed her with the basilisk. She was just in the bathroom crying, opened the stall door, and got a face full of the evil eye. Hagrid got blamed for it though and got expelled and his wand snapped, so 'Way to go Justice!'"

"Tom Riddle as in…"

"Yup the one and only Mr. Know-Who."

"So 'Marauder's Lair', eh? It may not have the panache of 'Chamber of Secrets', but it makes up for it in personality." Moony stated while looking around. "So the Headmaster was already asking for my help on fixing a pinching hex on his gargoyle. We couldn't do a thing to it and he wants me to try and dig up some information from you on it."

Snatch snickered. "Unnecessary, my dear Mr. Moony. I cast a 'Finite' on it before we came to find you."

"I know you didn't cast a normal 'Finite.' Albus and I both tried every variation on 'Finite' we could imagine."

"I learned something very interesting reading a book the other day."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. You're familiar with the concept of plaintext in muggle computer terminology?"

"Yes. Go on."

"Well, think of saying a spell in plaintext. Now you can encode it, and use simple patterns like a letter substitution, and it will still read the same unencoded. This is the difference between a British wizard casting one spell in English, and say, a French wizard casting the same spell but in French. Sometimes it's just the pronunciation, sometimes it's not. Identical effects, just encoded different."

"You are going somewhere with this I hope."

"Patience my dear Moony. Now imagine if instead you could not just encode the spell in a patterned way, but could completely encrypt it, by adding in a foreign magic. The only way to decrypt it then would be with that same specific foreign magic. Now the ability to layer a specific miniscule amount of magic, but so little that it truly does not affect the spell or its results, is almost impossible to reproduce. One of the only ways to do that is with a magical language."

Mini-Minnie looked like she was trying to remember something. She hated not knowing everything. "What exactly is a magical language? Or what makes a language magical rather?"

"Any language that cannot be understood or spoken without the aid of magic is a magical language."

"So that really was just a simple pinching hex and a 'Finite' was all you needed to say?"

"Yup. Just say 'Finite' and she's countered. But of course you have to say it in parseltongue." Harry's cocky smile was just looking cheeky now.

Moony was beginning to think he might need to help out the opposition. These kids had it too easy. Marauder's honor when it comes to keeping secrets, but that would never stop one's ability to prank the other. Moony began stirring up a plan to visit with the new caretakers and see how the new Marauders like a taste of their own medicine. 'Oh damn, now I feel all giggly like a little schoolgirl again.'

Snatch brought out a pensieve and they all watched most of the Transfiguration class. It was even funnier the second time and even Snatch had to laugh at how he kept paling, blushing, and shuddering. Any doubt on holding off on pranking the Marauders now left Moony's mind. And now it wasn't just knocking them down a peg. It was a very worthy bunch of adversaries.

"You guys have all read the official Marauder's codebook, right?"

"Mr. Horny is shocked and appalled at Mr. Moony's insult to our Marauder dedication."

"Miss Cottontail thinks Mr. Moony has something to declare."

"Mr. Moony thinks Miss Cottontail may be a little too confident."

"Miss Mini-Minnie thinks Mr. Moony is going to be making a mistake."

"Mr. Snatch is waiting, Mr. Moony."

"I, Mr. Moony, hereby declare open prankfare. The lines are to be drawn by age, students versus otherwise, and I reserve that the right to acquire outside assistance be allowed to all participants."

"Mr. Snatch is extremely pleased to hear that Mr. Moony. Declaration acknowledged and now I think it's time we head up to dinner, don't you guys?"

Moony couldn't help but notice everyone but him had a knowing smirk on their face. That's the face you never show, until the trap has already been sprung and there is no escape. He was a bit worried because, if anything he would have guessed any prank they had planned would have been at dinner and avoidable. He didn't think they could have known he was going to declare a prank war. But he was feeling a little less certain of that.

They all grabbed the old brooms at the base of the pipe, flew back up out the Marauder's Lair, and then dropped the brooms back down to let gravity place them back at the bottom of the pipe. Remus hadn't even noticed anyone in the bathroom at first, but he caught a strong smell of a stimulated female. He turned around and saw Luna Lovegood standing there calmly staring at him, holding her hands behind her back. This look fit very well, particularly with the red sweater she was not wearing but had been tied around her waist and left her completely topless.

"Hello Remus. May I call you Remus?"

The self-satisfied smirks he saw on the Marauder's faces made a lot more sense. "Erm, I'm not sure that would be entirely proper Miss Lovegood," Remus said uncomfortably.

"You're quite the stickler for the rules aren't you Professor Lupin?" Luna was now swaying in place seemingly quite proud of her breasts.

"Miss Lovegood this is completely inappropriate behavior and if you do not put some clothes on I'm going to have to report this to the Headmaster."

Horny felt obliged to interrupt and cuffed his DADA Professor on the back of his head. "Hey! Little respect to the rest of the present company."

"Yeah shit Moony. She's just letting the twins out to breath a little. Don't be such a prude." Cottontail added.

Remus was bound by Marauder's honor to treat them as Marauders whenever they called him Moony. 'Damn them for reading the codebook.'

Luna started to suck on her pinky and blinked her big lashes at Remus. "Well then could I call you _Moony_?" she ended with a deep husky purr.

"I gotta go. The smell is effecting my brain." And with that Moony hightailed it out of the girl's bathroom.

Horny was fanning away the air by his own nose. "Seriously Luna, what is that smell? It's a bit rancid but I find myself oddly drawn to it."

Luna smiled and explained "It's a charm to emulate a female Crumple-Horned Snorkack in heat. I learned it over the summer to try and attract a male and capture it."

Cottontail it seemed had her attention fixed on her blonde friend's uncovered chest. "Well I for one think it smells delicious."

"You guys ready for dinner?" Snatch asked.

Everyone responded affirmatively and headed out the girl's bathroom.

Mini-Minnie voiced some of what most were thinking. "Umm, Luna? Are you going to eat dinner topless or are you going to put your sweater back on?"

"I'm going to stay topless for a while. My Moony wouldn't ever consider dating a student, so I need to get expelled. And I need to show him what I have to offer, so once I do get expelled I can stake my claim that much quicker."

"Works for me." Snatch happily exclaimed. "So what exactly brought on this strong attraction to your Moony, Luna?"

Luna blushed and said "I would answer that, but I'm afraid you'd think I was crazy, so I'm going to withhold on that one for now."

Mini-Minnie was a little scared at that prospect. Something a topless young blonde is afraid would affect other's opinion of her mental capacity in a negative way. Mini-Minnie had only one opinion about her that mattered at the moment. And that was about 34B, probably a C-cup within a year and looking absolutely scrumptious.

The Marauders begged and pleaded and convinced Luna to join them at the Gryffindor table for dinner.

Luna attracted quite a bit of attention, though it seemed no one at the staff table seemed to care. Fred and George were watching her with big smiles on their faces and eating and tearing at their food with only their hands and teeth. Professor Flitwick was too used to Luna's behavior apparently. Cissy and Poncy just waved happily at her with bright smiles. Remus was fervently keeping his eyes cast downward and seemed to be trying to jam bread up his nostrils to plug his nose. And the Headmaster just had a sad look on his face because when he walked out of his office to come to dinner he didn't get pinched. He missed it already.

Professor McGonagall walked into the hall, the first anyone had seen her since breakfast. She looked over at her table of Gryffindors, spotted Miss Lovegood topless eating a chicken drumstick, and promptly turned around and walked right back out in the hallway.

Luna was probably disappointed that she didn't receive any reprimand though she would never show it. She took Ron's constant staring, open mouth, and continuous drooling as a compliment and that always brightens a girl's day. Horny was completely in heaven seeing the most joyous union of two of his absolute favorite things in the world. Fried chicken and boobs never went so well together.

The Marauder's provided Luna and the recently dubbed "spectacular crescent orbs of pleasure" with a safe escort back to the Ravenclaw Common Room, before they headed back to Gryffindor Tower. Some conversation, a lot of it centering on the lovely mammary of Miss Lovegood, followed and the Marauders went to bed.

* * *

Around four in the morning Snatch woke up to relieve himself. He went into the restroom, chose the first stall, and sat down to urinate. In mid-stream Snatch's eyes snapped open. 'There are a lot of things wrong right now. And I think it begins with the apparent disappearance of Mr. TonkyHonk.' 

"Oh crap."

A quick check of personal anatomy confirmed Snatch's suspicions. He was a female. Respectable pair of hoo-hahs he had. 'And this vagina thing definitely has possibilities.' He knew he had to rally the troops and address the current situation.

First, Snatch tried to wake up Horny by shaking him. With little response from the slumbering boyish thing, he decided drastic measures called for drastic actions. He grabbed a good handful of Ron's most exposed breast and gave it a firm squeeze and twist.

"God damn Snatch! You almost ripped my fucking tit off!" And the not-so-tired boy snapped to immediate attention. "What the- Oh my god." Horny then leapt off his bed and ran to the bathroom to further inspect his new anatomy.

Snatch took his wand from its protected wrist holder, and proceeded to 'buzz' Cottontail and Mini-Minnie on their connected bracelets. He heard two distinctly different manly shrieks and told them to meet him in the Common Room. Snatch went to get Horny and bring him down the Common Room, but he found him completely naked and striking poses for the mirror. Even Snatch appreciated him squeezing his arms together to show off some healthy cleavage. When he began bending over and looking at his reflection from an upside-down view between his legs, Snatch decided to leave him be for a while.

"So tell me, Mini-Minnie, how's it feel having a penis?" She scowled and replied "How's the snatch, Snatch?"

"Amazing. Absolutely amazing. But I think I get it without all the cramps, so neener-neener on you. My nipples are more sensitive than I thought possible though."

"Horny coming down any time soon?" Cottontail asked.

Snatch shook his head. "Don't think so. Last I saw him, he was naked in front of the mirror. He looked like a deer caught in…well, headlights."

_**

* * *

**_


	14. Resolving the Unresolved

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN – Resolving the Unresolved **

Cottontail pulled up her shirt and opened the front of her pajama pants and looked down with a frown.

"I really would have thought it'd be bigger."

Mini-Minnie took a look and compared with her own. "I see what you mean. You're at that level where you call it 'a good size' or 'average' when the truth is that it's disappointingly small. Truly average these days is usually called 'huge' or 'really big.'"

Horny walked down in some pajamas that were clearly not fit for his curvy new body. It was no secret anymore where he hid all that food he ate. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Our new manly bellybuttons. 'Tail and me are innies. Apparently as men we get outties. 'Tail's looks barely like a zit, while I'm at least a swollen third nipple."

Snatch realized his mind has been leaning heavily to the lascivious side. In fairness, waking up with breasts you didn't go to sleep with is guaranteed to drop your mind off in the gutter and leaves it there all day to play. Not to mention the pensieve memories of the Patil twins and Luna, which were copied in triplicate and placed in separate fireproof, tamperproof, and magicproof boxes.

Mini-Minnie spoke up "Let's get to the Lair. 'Tail and I slid down here, so I doubt we're going to be able to get back up the stairs and into our rooms easily."

Snatch suggested "Maybe I could go get your stuff?"

Cottontail and Mini-Minnie's eyes both got wide and yelled "No!"

Cottontail continued pleadingly. "That's not necessary, let's just see if we can fix this in the Lair before anyone else wakes up."

Snatch gave them all a curious face that he tried to make look intimidating. He ended up only looking like a constipated woman.

They all summoned their books and book bags and huddled under the invisibility cloak. Snatch flew ahead since he could fly faster than could be seen and ensure the path was clear.

Once they all had arrived down in their study area they tried to sit comfortably. This led to all sorts of shifting of legs and body parts to feel relatively normal. Horny got caught up touching himself again.

"I'm pretty sure this was the work of Moony and the twins together."

"Unfortunately they're all staff and would easily be able to access the girl's dormitories regardless of their own gender."

"This isn't counterable, is it Mini-Minnie?"

"I'll look into it, but I sincerely doubt they'd do something we could come up with an easy solution too."

Horny spoke up now. "Did they make me pregnant? Because I am really craving some ice cream."

Snatch exhaled loudly. "Thank Merlin it's not just me. I don't know what it is, but I want some too. Dobby?"

A quick pop and an eager house-elf appeared. "Yes Master-ress?" Dobby adopted a quite scared look on his face noticing Harry's appearance.

"Think we could get some ice cream? I'm in the mood for vanilla, how bout you Horny?"

"Chocolate, please." Dobby was back with two pints and spoons before Horny finished saying please.

Dobby still looked a little off. "Permission to speak freely, Harry-ette?"

Snatch rolled his eyes. "You don't need my permission Dobby, I value your input. Go right ahead."

And with his permission Dobby's face broke into a wide smile and he collapsed on the floor giggling unendingly. He was kicking his legs back and forth and joy, and it was making him spin in a little house elf circle on the floor.

"I appreciate the insight Dobby. And it's Harry not Harriet, no matter how succulent my bressesses may be."

Mini-Minnie eyes lit up as she obviously had come up with something. "I just thought of a temporary solution so we can at least keep Moony and/or the twins from thinking they got the better of us. We could pull a Crouch Jr. and carry around a flask of polyjuice."

"You're suggesting we drink polyjuice to make us all look like ourselves? Will that work?"

Mini-Minnie's mind was drifting and she was unconsciously scratching herself. "Hmm? Oh yes. Well it should. It's just none of our polyjuice brews are ready yet. My god, do all men's testicles itch this much?"

Horny felt he was overdue for a snide comment. "I don't know. Why don't you just ask _Crookshanks_?" he said while making a face. "Maybe take him into a private room and let him lick the answer out of you."

"Think Ron! I'm now part cat. Who do you expect me to talk to about that? Perhaps my _cat_ maybe?"

"Yeah well it wouldn't matter so much if it was just talking."

"What's with you Horny? Take your moron pill already this morning?"

"That's it! I'm sick and tired of thinking you're looking at me like you like me and then you treat me like a bloody idiot!"

"You know Ron when you get all angry like that you seem damn powerful and dead sexy."

"Really?" And with a quick decision he turned into what he dubbed Raging Ron. "If you want me at all then don't be afraid to show it."

"Oh Ron…" Mini-Minnie moaned out. Cottontail and Snatch were a bit freaked out seeing Mini-Minnie as a man attracted to Horny as a woman.

Mini-Minnie let out another deep shuddering breath. And at that sound Ron could only snarl and curl his goofy lips like an angry goat. The fact that his lips were fuller and appeared to have glitter-filled lip gloss on them made for quite an image.

"Damn Horny, if you were a book I'd just skip straight to the end to get to your good stuff."

Cottontail and Snatch were in shock. They both looked straight at each other. Snatch mouthed 'She dirty talks with book comparisons?'

Ron was now barking some sort of goat sound.

Mini-Minnie stared at Horny with hooded, hungry eyes. "Because the good stuff in a book is where I get to see what happens when you climax." She leapt straight on Horny and started kissing him feverishly.

Cottontail and Snatch locked eyes and both decided to take a walk and leave these two alone. Or at least make it look that way and double-back once they got a camera. And they should probably alert Myrtle too. It's only fair.

Snatch set up the camera while Cottontail conjured a couple of seats for them. Snatch and Cottontail scooted over to make room for Dobby, who appeared with his own house-elf sized lawn chair and a big tub of popcorn for the three of them. They all settled in to watch the show.

Unfortunately, swapping their genitals did nothing to change their dispositions. Some forceful snogging with a fair amount of over the pajamas petting occurred before Horny seemed to pull away. "Damn Min-Min could you focus on something other than my breasts?" Horny pleaded with a touch of frustration in his voice.

"What? Why are you stopping this? I know you can feel how I feel about you."

"Yes I can, it feels like you're stabbing my thigh. And I'm getting very confused about how I'm feeling about that. But when all you do is focus on my tits, it makes me feel cheap. Like all I am to you is a piece of meat."

Snatch was thinking Horny was acclimating to his estrogen levels way too easily.

"Ron. Look at me. You know how much you mean to me. But you're scaring me a bit. Do you really have a problem with feeling cheap and like a piece of meat?"

Horny's tense female body relaxed immediately. "No! Not in the slightest! I'll gladly be a cheap piece of meat."

Horny then joined Mini-Minnie in enjoying touching his chest and resumed sucking her face.

Snatch was terribly confused watching the scene unsure if he was imagining himself in Mini-Minnie or Horny's place. And he wasn't sure which one would make him gay. So he decided to get the polyjuice.

"Cissy!"

The Potions professor quickly appeared. And Snatch was quite grateful she was wearing her favorite house elf outfit: the lone tattered pillowcase that barely covered her chest. 'Phew! Now those are safe heterosexual thoughts to have.'

"Masteress Potter! Great pajamas."

"Thank you Cissy. Yours too. I was hoping you had some polyjuice already made up. We're going to need it diluted and split, so that the four of us can sip it all day. It wouldn't do well to go to class looking like we currently do."

Cissy nodded, understood, and got her Masteress what he wanted.

"Thank you Cissy. For everything you do. And wear."

"Cissy loves having a happy Master." And the woman popped back to her room.

This caught Mini-Minnie's attention now. "She's not supposed to be able to apparate in Hogwarts! It's in _Hogwarts, a History_! Damned house elf cheaters."

Dobby stood up with a defiant look in his eye, "My apologies Mr. Granger. You appear to have got your wand stuck in your pants." And with a snap of his fingers and a smile he popped away too.

Apparently they could no longer ignore the elephant in the room. Especially when the elephant is the tent Hermione is pitching.

"Yeah anyway guys. Got the polyjuice here. It tastes like crap of course, but it's better than letting Moony and the twins win. I say we take it this morning and afternoon, and do some recon to find out when the gender switching will go back. Hide out back in here tonight and hopefully it will wear off by tomorrow."

The four were back with their own proper anatomy and carrying their flasks now. Hermione cast a cooking timer spell into their bracelets to buzz them a reminder every 45 minutes.

* * *

Sure enough, at breakfast when they walked in, the twins and Moony both were unable to keep the obvious disappointment off their faces. They seemed to put their heads together to be talking about something. 

Professor McGonagall seemed to be in a much happier and healthier state. The Marauders assumed there were a few strong prescription drugs involved to reach this point. She informed Harry that the Headmaster wanted to speak with him after breakfast and to go up to his office. Apparently the new password was "Finite."

Harry and the gargoyle seemed to be laughing just at the sight of each other and Harry made his way up. After hearing the Headmaster say "Enter" Harry walked into the office and found himself staring down the end of the old man's wand.

"Who are you and what have you done with Harry Potter?"

Harry pushed the old man's wand away from him and said "It's me you barmy old coot."

Albus Dumbledore was well-known and quite powerful. Even all the Death Eaters respected what he could do. But only the real Harry Potter could have so little concern and blatant mocking disrespect for the man.

"Harry? Why are you under polyjuice to…umm look like yourself?"

Harry winced and looked sheepish. "I was thirsty?"

"Harry."

"I like the taste? Maybe I needed the protein."

"Mmm-hmm."

"How'd you know that anyway?"

"I installed a detection spell over the entrance to my office after Alastor's ordeal. And you're avoiding the question."

"Okay fine. Moony and the twins pranked the four of us and now me and Ron have girlie bits, and Ginny and Hermione are packing outties."

The Headmaster got a very pleased and wide smile. "As glad as I am to hear this, I was hoping to talk to you about Transfiguration yesterday. You wouldn't believe some of the rumors I've been hearing."

Harry got an equally pleased and wide smile. "You never know, I might believe them."

"Rather than ruin the pedestal a few of your classmates have now put Professor Granger on, I merely wished for a small bit of confirmation."

Harry raised an inquiring eyebrow.

"I merely have never seen a magical animagus. And goodness knows the name Snatch has lost al the good connotations and mental images I previously associated with it."

Harry knew he wasn't going to keep this secret very long and without even rising from his seat popped into a snidget and hovered in front of the Headmaster.

"That is most impressive Mr. Potter."

Harry popped back and sat back down. "I'll even save you from a future surprise and tell you I've got a second form. I just haven't completely mastered it yet, nor could I even show you here."

"A second form too? Good Lord. They should write a book about you!"

Harry scowled and thought about the number of books already out there. "I'm pretty sure I wasn't born with it though. I think I got it when Riddle cursed me as a baby."

The Headmaster looked thoughtful. "I'm very curious what your other form is, particularly if you believe it came from Tom Riddle. But, seeing as how he is gone for good now, I suppose there's no point in lying any longer. He never gave you any powers or passed anything onto you Harry. I completely made that up."

"What? Why would you do that? But it makes so much sense!"

"I was worried you weren't going to be strong enough to beat him. A foolish worry I can see now, but I wanted to give you the impression he made you as strong as he was, to ensure you would have some confidence."

"Craptacular. So the second form really is from my own essence and being? That's … surprising."

"Can I bribe you with lemon drops to get you to share this form with me?"

Harry waved him off. "Keep your candy. I'm a forty foot basilisk."

The Headmaster's eyebrows jumped. "I can see how you would want to attribute that to Mr. Riddle."

"Hey where's Fawkes anyway? I was hoping to talk to him."

"I believe he went flying with Hedwig. Hedwig seemed particularly disappointed about something and Fawkes took it on himself to try and cheer her up."

"Oh well. And you can assure Professor McGonagall that we're going to do our best to respect her mental condition. Though how Luna chooses to dress is out of our hands. And any topless female in the school is always going to be welcome at the Gryffindor table You can tell Professor McGonagall that goes for her too. Actually maybe you shouldn't tell her that."

"I think I may wait to share that with her. But I would imagine Miss Lovegood should help to make this year memorable. Poor Remus. I'm not sure he realized what kind of year he would be getting when he chose to make a pranking enemy out of you. I suspect I may get myself a drinking buddy. Now I believe you need to be hurrying to Charms."

Harry got a smug smile. "Actually I'm doing okay on time. Getting places in this castle becomes infinitely easier when you can fly there essentially invisibly and quite fast. Good day Headmaster."

* * *

After lunch, where apparently the polyjuice taste killed their appetites, Cottontail volunteered to try and find out how long their gender switches were going to last. 

She waited until they left, and Remus was still in the Great Hall. Keeping in contact with the others on her bracelet, she drank some Moony-infused polyjuice. She ran down the twins and went for the kill before they could suspect anything.

"Gred! Forge! Real quick, I'm in a hurry. How long were their gender switches supposed to last?"

The twins looked at each other and Forge spoke up, "_You_ said you did it right for 24 hours, but I'm not-"

"Thanks. Gotta go!"

And she ran back the other direction. The other three Marauders were listening in on the conversation and relaxed knowing it would be over after today. Cottontail drank some of her own polyjuice and turned back into a female Ginny Weasley.

That night, the kids were relaxing in their Lair. They'd abandoned the polyjuice and were just going to sit out the rest of their time with their foreign anatomy. Horny and Mini-Minnie seemed to be acting like this morning never happened, though some of the unresolved sexual tension had clearly been released.

Myrtle informed them a Mr. Moony was in the bathroom and wanting to speak with them. Snatch flew up and let him in. When Moony arrived in their studying area he saw they were all different genders and the snidget that crapped in his hair popped back into a female Snatch.

"I KNEW I did those spells right! You cheaters!"

Horny smiled and fondled his own breasts. "Yeah, nice one Moony. Thanks for these."

"Crap. I never should have come down here. Now I know my prank worked and it's your turn officially now."

"Fear not, Mr. Moony, we're going to lull you into a false sense of security before we do any sort of retaliation. Though good thing you didn't specify any protection for your outside assistance."

"Cheeky grubbers were saying it was my fault. I knew I'd done my part right. I might even be willing to assist you getting them. Calling _me_ unprofessional. Honestly the nerve of children these days."

* * *

Far away, in a seedy muggle hotel room, a slightly off-her-rocker woman and a poor excuse for a man were assessing their current situation. 

"I miss him Trixie. I appreciate the Crucio's you cast on me, but it's just not the same."

"I know Wormtail, I know. I miss the way he would tuck me into bed at night. He'd make sure to torture some muggles really loudly until he was certain I was asleep. I doubt we'll see as good a Master ever again."

"There's not even anyone gearing up to take his place is there? Nobody's heard from the Malfoy boy. I thought he might have had potential. Severus was a bloody traitor. But then again he was a traitor to everyone, so it could have been worse."

"Yeah Lucius last I heard didn't want to leave his new cellmate 'Rosie.' It's a lot harder to break someone out of prison when they're unwilling. I've considered trying to rally some of the boys up and lead as a Dark Lady, but I just don't have the mindset for leading. I like being tucked in too much."

"Everyone I've talked to it seems is afraid of Potter too."

"Hmm you know that is one of the most important characteristics in a good Dark Lord. Did I ever tell you he cast Cruciatus on me? It was his first try and probably only try, but it definitely got me all tingly."

"First try? Really? You think we can convince him to lead us?"

"He'd probably be pretty good at it. But I think he might be a bit mad at us."

"Aww crap. That's right. You killed his godfather right in front of him."

"My bad. I can say I'm sorry but I don't think anyone would believe it."

"I think he might be a tad peeved with me too. That whole mess with his parents," Wormtail was accentuating this with quote fingers and rolls of his eyes. "and framing his godfather. Jeezlepeets, that was like forever ago! Be nice if he could quit with the Snivellus impression and get over his grudges. Although I guess the whole taking his blood and killing his triwizard buddy was just a little over a year ago."

"I think I need to write my sister a note. She'll be able to help us out and convince Potter to be our Lord. Or if nothing else she can tell me where her son is hiding and we can get him started on Dark power calling rituals."

"Crabbe and Goyle's sons are both still at Hogwarts. I'll shoot them a note so we got some spies on the inside. Before we do that, how about a little Cruciatus and we can go get some pancakes again at IHOP?"

"Sounds good! Do me first!" Trixie said and assumed the position.

_Dear Cissy,_

_I need your help. I want Potter to be my new Master…_

_**

* * *

**_


	15. The New Recruits

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN – The New Recruits**

"We're not really going to let Moony get a false sense of security, are we?" Cottontail asked.

"Probably not, but it leaves him acting hypersensitive and guessing at what's coming." Snatch answered.

"Psychological torture is fun, but I owe him some humiliation still for the Marauder naming. I've got an idea, and could use your help Snatch. All I need from you is a leg-locker and a _Silencio_. I'll take care of the rest." Mini-Minnie explained with a devious smile.

A few days later at breakfast, Cissy received an owl and seemed extremely happy about something. Crabbe and Goyle also got a letter. And they proceeded to throw themselves against the shadowed back wall. And theoretically they were then going to subtly slink away. The effect was lessened by the attention they attracted cracking their heads on the wall.

Goyle whispered to Crabbe, "Don't move. They can sense movement."

Crabbe whispered back, "So how are we gonna get anywhere if we don't move?"

This question stumped Goyle and the two were still standing there when the rest of the school went to class.

The trio was sitting comfortably in Transfiguration with a relatively sane Professor McGonagall. The Headmaster stuck his head in the classroom and asked "Could I borrow Mr. Weasley for just a second? I promise to return him very quickly."

Ron got up to talk to the Headmaster in the hallway.

"Mr. Weasley," the Headmaster began with a grave and disappointed look on his face. "It has come to my attention that your chronic masturbation is interfering with your studies."

Ron turned a bit of a puce color when the Headmaster started cracking up at him. "Wotcher Horny, that's a horrible color with your hair."

"Oh damn Tonks, you scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here?"

"I haven't seen my Snatch in a while, and figured I could take this opportunity, and you could skip class." Tonks morphed into an exact copy of Ron's current look at the moment. "Kinda doubted Mini-Minnie would ever voluntarily miss a class."

"Thanks Tonks! Have Snatch bring you down to the Lair after class. This gives me time to work on a little project I've been cooking up."

'Ron' re-entered transfiguration and sat back down next to Snatch.

Snatch leaned over and whispered out the corner of his mouth. "What did the barmy old coot want? Something wrong?"

'Ron' motioned him closer and went to whisper back in Snatch's ear. Snatch was unprepared to feel an especially wet and sloppy tongue clean all the crevasses in his ear, and as such yelped out loud and got himself a reprimand from Professor McGonagall.

Snatch had an idea what was going on and whispered to 'Ron' "Stop it Horny! If Tonks finds out about us, she's gonna kill me."

A clear and loud slap from 'Ron' and McGonagall gave both Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter detention. Tonks was just now realizing the sorts of trouble she could get Horny into.

"Professor McGonagall, I really don't think my detention is fair. It's Mr. Potter's fault for being so damn sexy I cannot control my urges."

Tonks' little plan backfired a bit as McGonagall agreed with her, retracted Mr. Weasley's detention, and instead gave Mr. Potter two detentions. Snatch was giving Tonks quite a scowl throughout the rest of the class.

There were many doodles in his notes that read some variation of "Nymphadorka" several times over.

When the bell rang, 'Mr. Weasley' ran out of the classroom and adopted a blonde-hair green-eyed well-developed look of a normal run-of-the-mill gorgeous stacked student. Snatch seemed to forgive her quickly as the pair kissed each other hard enough that Tonks' eyes rolled into the back of her head, and they both tipped over and fell down.

"Come on you two. I was worried the Headmaster had managed to negate his beacon, so be glad I'm relieved and not lecturing you on ruining Horny's education."

Snatch explained the Lair to the pretty blonde under his arm, and the three made it down after swinging past the Headmaster's office to ensure his beacon was still functional.

It appeared Horny had been working. The puddle seemed to have been turned into a clean, larger pool now, and some water slides were arranged around the large bust of Saladbar Slytherin. They briefly wondered where Horny and Cottontail were, until they heard an excited bleating and saw a wet goat come sliding out of Slytherin's mouth. An equally wet fox was biting down on one of the goat's horns in an attempt to keep her balance atop the goat's head. They catapulted up and off the goofy tongue that had been added to the bust and the two animals splashed down in the pool.

The smiling little animals paddled until they could set their paws and hooves down. Then they ran up to Tonks, Mini-Minnie, and Snatch and shook as much water as they could on the three others before transforming back.

"You guys have got to try that! It's awesome!"

The girls agreed it looked like great fun. Tonks transfigured her clothes into a provocative two piece lemon yellow bikini. And Mini-Minnie decided to be a cat and joined the fox, and they rode the goat down out the slide's mouth. Two running starts and they were squeals of delight as they came flying down the tongue.

The squeals of delight shifted in screams of abject horror. The three shocked animals quickly popped into their human and fully clothed forms. And all four seemed to suffer minor heart attacks as they smacked into, thudded, and thumped against the side of the 40-foot basilisk that nearly filled the entire pool.

They were all none too pleased with Snatch, though he was laughing his head off at their girlish screams and wet Hogwarts' robes. He was forced to turn into a snidget and fly away from them all for most of the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

"Wormy! You won't believe what my sister just told me!" 

"I got great news to Bella. You first."

"My sister and her son are under Potter's protection! She says he's the greatest, kindest, most powerfulest, and wonderfulest Master in the world!"

"This is perfect! Crabbe and Goyle told me that they're spies for their new Master, Potter! At first I thought it was odd, that those two doofuses would be spies, but then I realized no one would ever suspect them! Then I thought they had to be really stupid to flat out tell me they were spies, unless they're actually really smart and Potter wants to talk to us at least!"

"This is brilliant! We have to write to Potter! Let's tell him to meet us at the Shrieking Shack in a couple days!"

"Sounds good. And remember Bella: Loyalty first, no backstabbing. Pinky swear with me."

They locked pinkies and shook on it. "I swear Wormy. Cissy said loyalty is the most important thing to her now. She kept skirting around talking about her Master, or how she approached him but I was able to connect the dots."

* * *

The next day at breakfast, Snatch was laughing, listening to the usual antics of the out and proud Pigwidgeon. "Come on boys reach out and grab me. Come on give me a squeeze. Touch me, touch me, touch me." 

Snatch couldn't keep in the giggles when Pig sang falsetto "If you're fabulous and know it, raise your hand!" right as Ron reached up to grab the quick little bugger. "Oh I know you are, Mr. All-Over-Freckles. Okay, I got a letter for you. It's tied to my leg. Now grab it!"

Ron had managed to wrestle a semi-hold on Pig now. "No no! Not that leg. No no, not that one either. Come on…YES! That's the one! Grab and tug it! Tug it hard!"

Horny spoke up exasperatedly, "I swear he's been swimming in the lake again. Every time I grab him he's all wet." Snatch was just smiling and laughing. Horny looked over at Snatch, "Do I even want to know what he's saying?"

"Trust me. No, you don't." Horny nodded and figured that he didn't.

It was at this point Snatch was quite surprised to find himself the recipient of three different owls. He shared a little bacon with each one and took all three letters. He opened the first and was shocked at what he read.

_Dear Potter,_

_We realize we are not exactly in your good graces, but we would like the opportunity to change that. You're a strong wizard who needs a stable group to support him and do all the little work. We would very much like to be a part of your group. Please meet us Saturday at 2:00 PM at the Shrieking Shack. We're prepared to swear oaths of loyalty and accept the punishment you deem us to deserve._

_Sincerely,  
Bellatrix Lestrange & Peter Pettigrew_

Harry was in a bit of shock. He turned to the next letter.

_Dear Harry,_

_I know I have wronged you horribly. And I know I still owe you a Wizard's Debt. I am trying to start making up for it this Saturday. I have devised a plan to deliver Bellatrix straight into your hands. I meant it when I offered to swear an oath of loyalty. And feel I could be very useful to your future plans. Please do let any lingering hatred stop you from realizing the potential of an arrangement between us._

_Humbly yours,  
Wormtail_

_P.S – If you know any tricks about how to fix a solid silver unmoving hand stuck to one's flesh it would be appreciated. Kinda stopped working the day after your birthday._

Harry was ready to start banging his head on the table. But he had a feeling that he might be better off waiting until he read the next letter and putting the self-flagellation off until then..

_My Harry,_

_I long for your caress after the way you touched me at the Department of Mysteries. No man alive or reborn makes me tingle the way you did. And I feel you should justly give me some more _punishment_. I wish I could submit myself to you now and become another of your consorts. Yes I say another, because I know my sister Narcissa is lucky enough to count you as her Master. Punish me. And then allow me to give you the same loyalty and obedience you deserve. The best gift and olive branch I could extend to you was to trick Wormtail into walking right into this trap for you._

_You just bring your wand and I'll bring the whips._

_All my love and delicious pain,  
Bella_

And now Harry was free to bang his head on the table some.

"Uh, Snatch? You okay? Bad news in the post?"

Snatch let out an almost evil laugh. "Naw, just typical fan mail." He'd decided to approach the Headmaster with this one, and keep it from his friends for now. Pranks were for friends. Pickles were for the old man. And Tonks had laid claim on most of the rest of the p-words.

At the end of the day, Mini-Minnie and Snatch hung outside of the Defense classroom until it was empty. They snuck in and ambushed Moony. Already stunned and wandless now, Snatch cast a leg-locker and a silencing charm on him in parseltongue.

Mini-Minnie shooed Snatch away and said she had work to do now.

When Moony came too, he was looking up at a gigantic Mini-Minnie. 'Wait no. She's not gigantic. I'm just tiny.'

"Welcome back to the land of the conscious, Mr. Mini-Moony."

Mini-Moony started to yell at her but found he had no voice.

"Yeah. Tough break on the voice. Same thing with your legs. Gotta restrict you some you know. And I owed you for tagging me Mini-Minnie for the rest of my Marauder life. I figured it would be fair leaving you control of your arms and upper body, but I couldn't have you running off. We'll fix you up tomorrow though, don't worry" She said with an evil smile.

Mini-Moony found he couldn't move his legs or talk and settled for flipping Mini-Minnie off.

"My, you can be so rude sometimes. With that attitude, I think Luna is just going to love her new doll."

Moony eye's widened comically and he just started flailing his arms around until he lost his balance and tipped over. He then proceeded to try and crawl away as fast as he could. Unfortunately even werewolf strength at this size means he's lucky to go as fast as someone walking.

Mini-Minnie picked up her Mini-Moony around his waist and went to go find Luna. Mini-Moony tried to bite her but she just flicked him in the head.

The still topless young blonde was ecstatic with her new toy. Mini-Minnie explained that he may try to write things and communicate with her, as the doll was temporarily possessed with the mischievous spirit of the real Mr. Moony, much like a wizarding portrait. But just treat him like a good doll and he'll be okay. Luna was disappointed that Mini-Minnie was going to need to take the doll back tomorrow, but planned to make tonight the most fun night of her life. Mini-Minnie suggested a leash and collar but warned her, the Mini-Moony doll hated silver.

Later that night, Snatch went to the Headmaster's office to see if he had any plans tomorrow at around 2:00 PM. The old man did, but decided that this particular peculiar pickle took precedent. They decided to just show up and wing it by ear.

On his way back to the Lair, Snatch could only laugh at the sight of a barely one foot tall topless Luna driving through Hogwarts' halls in a little pink convertible Corvette. Handcuffed to the passenger seat was a tiny Mr. Moony in a cowboy hat and assless chaps. Luna's squeals of joy even seemed to make Moony smile.

* * *

The next day at 2:00 PM, the Headmaster followed Harry into the Shrieking Shack. There, sitting on the couch playing checkers, was Bellatrix and Wormtail. They quickly stood and drew their wands and pointed them at the Headmaster. 

"What is _HE_ doing here?"

Harry goggled at the two Death Eaters. "Umm…he's one of my most loyal, isn't that right Albus?"

The Headmaster rolled his eyes and agreed.

"Insolence will not be tolerated! Kiss my feet Albus!"

The Headmaster gave Harry a very dirty look. Harry stared at him just as hard back. Finally the Headmaster conceded. He very reluctantly said "Yes Master." He got down on his knees, upon which much creaking and crackling in his old bones could be heard, and spit a little on both of Harry's feet.

This seemed to appease Bella and Wormtail and they relaxed and holstered their wands.

Harry slipped into his evil Dark Lord type mode. 'Enunciate all words like parseltongue is your native language and speaking in English is a tiresome bother to you. A little spittle is to be expected.'

"Ssssssoo tell me. What can you two do for me?"

"We want to join and serve you. We make excellent followers. Obviously we can service you sexually quite well." Bella seemed to be trying to talk herself up a bit.

Peter was going to have none of that. "And of course the most useful of us can become animagi and spy just about anywhere."

"Ssssssoo you think I'm just going to accept you after everything you two have done to me? And been a part of causing me to become what I am now?" Albus wasn't so sure Harry dragging out the word 'so' really constituted evil, but realized he could do nothing now. 'Goodness no, I need my Master's permission to speak up now.'

"Of course not Master. We know we deserve anything you choose to give us. We submit to your fealty and will do as you command." Bella pleaded with a wanton look on her face.

"And you Wormtail? Will you also do as I command?"

"Of course M-M-Master."

Albus's eyebrows jumped. 'He's got him stuttering already. This is kinda fun.'

"Excellent. Because you two have a lot of penance you owe me, before I will be able to trust you with even the most menial of taskssss. For now, you are to go quietly with Albus here, confess your previous crimes, and accept your life sssssentences to Azkaban."

Bella's eyes showed surprise and a healthy amount of fear.

"As soon as I feel you have paid your dues, I will either break you out myself or perhaps by then I will have arranged a more proper Ministry to free you legally."

Wormtail was shaking a bit now.

Harry took a step forward and yelled "My Bitches! Do you understand?"

Bella and Wormtail fell to their knees and both feebly mumbled, "Yes Master."

Albus looked over at Harry and could only smile. That was quite an impressive performance.

"Albus, my Bitch, take them away before I change my mind and just kill them now." He ended with snarl.

Albus lost his smile at that nickname and took Wormtail and Bella's wands. "Yes Master."

And the three popped away to the ministry.

* * *

When Harry returned to Hogwarts he found a nice full-size Moony, apparently still unable to talk or walk, but he did have his wand, and was trying to settle down an enraged Luna Lovegood. Luna was speaking in some foreign language that Harry had never heard before. Understanding the words or not, he could tell she was seriously pissed off at Remus. A few hand gestures that he thought might have been Italian, a slap across Moony's face, and Luna exclaimed something that sounded like "vàttel'a ppijà 'n der culo!" before she lowered her voice and hissed vehemently, "I fucking hate you worthless French knobgoblins!" and she spit on the floor awfully close to him. She then stormed off towards the Ravenclaw Common Room, snarling and mumbling "I can't believe I let him sleep in my bed." 

Horny felt like it was over share time. "I felt the same way when I realized I'd been sleeping with Pettigrew for years!"

Moony looked over at Ron curiously. Mini-Minnie asked Snatch to counter his earlier spells and poor Moony was able to talk and walk again. "Geez thanks Snatch. You're too kind."

"Bah, you knew you were getting something when you named her Mini-Minnie."

"Yeah but I didn't know she was so mean. Maybe I should have just Marauder named her 'Vindictive Horse-faced Bitch' and cut out the cleverness."

A sharp hiss alerted Remus to the fact that that was a mistake. He apparently had gotten awfully used to being unable to voice his thoughts. Or maybe he forgot she was right there. Either way, he turned to run away right as she let her cattiness to the forefront, transformed with a pop and bit down hard on Moony's ass. Moony was running with a pissed off kitty firmly stuck to his rear end and screaming in pain. It's a shame Mini-Minnie had to breathe and couldn't stay attached.

Snatch could only laugh at the sight of a scared werewolf being chased down the hall by a little bloodthirsty kitty-cat.

_**

* * *

**_

_**Author's Note**: If you trust a goofy website's translations, "_vàttel'a ppijà 'n der culo!" _is Italian for_ "Go and take it up your arse!"


	16. Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout Albus?

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN – Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout Albus?**

Minerva McGonagall thought she needed to stop some of the medication she was taking. Too many potions must be causing some kind of conflict. After consulting Madame Pomphrey who assured her no combination of overdoses of any of her potions would cause the severe hallucinations like she was describing. She had one other theory and went to the Headmaster to smack him upside the head.

"Dammit Albus! How soon are you going to give me a time turner? And for what reason?"

The Headmaster was thoroughly confused. Perhaps the Marauders were reneging on their words that they were going to leave their Head of House alone. "I assure you Minerva, I have no plans to give you a time turner. Why on earth would you think that?"

"Because I saw myself chasing Professor Lupin! Well it was my animagus form. But I have no doubt that old Marauder surely did something well deserving of my wrath."

Albus was sorely tempted to point out that she was calling a much younger, former student of hers 'old', but he had at least a little bit more sense than that. "Perhaps some of your medications have hallucinogenic side-effects."

"It's not my potions! I just asked Poppy. I _saw_ me! I had blood in my mouth and there was a gash on the retreating werewolf's arse!"

Albus adopted his highly amused smile and twinkle.

"Not that kind of gash you pervy old coot. I bit him I'm pretty sure."

"You bit a werewolf? Congratulations Minerva, that's not something very many people can claim. Usually it's the other way around."

"Albus this is not a joke! I saw my cat form!"

"Perhaps you saw the ghost of Mrs. Norris, and it was just moving too quickly for your eye."

"Mrs. Norris isn't dead. And I know my form. And you're not even trying to take me seriously if that was the solution you're offering. That was not a ghost, and that was not Mrs. Norris. That was ME!"

"Calm down Minerva. You don't want another episode. Remember your breathing exercises. In and out. In and out. In and out."

A head popped into the Headmaster's fireplace. "Ooh! The secret is out! I can imagine the headlines now: 'The carnal passionate love tryst between the Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress.' Do you need some more 'in and out' time or are you ready for me Headmaster?"

"I believe Minerva was just leaving Miss Skeeter. Or if she wasn't that comment you just made will ensure that she does. Goodness Minerva stop making that face or it will stick that way. Lemon drop before you go?"

An extremely red-faced Minerva hissed like an angry kitty. "Good day Albus."

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your invitation, Professor Dumbledore?"

"Why Miss Skeeter, I just wanted to insure that the events of this afternoon were reported fairly and accurately in tomorrow morning's paper."

"Fair and accurate. Right. And so you came to me."

"Certainly Miss Skeeter. Why I simply loved your work in The Quibbler this past year."

Rita rolled her eyes but knew when to shut up and take the stories handed to her on a silver platter.

* * *

"Wait so you're telling me Luna is a racist?" 

Mini-Minnie looked sheepish. "Certainly appears that way. Something along the lines of 'We're wasting precious oxygen letting the filthy dregs of that bastard nation breathe our rightful air. They need to be put down before they breed again and further spread their vile practices like unkempt armpits.' She then sort of would go into her little angry tizzy of swear words and violent hand gestures. She was swinging poor Mini-Moony around like a bat and smacking him down in her hand a bit rough."

Cottontail nodded. "Yeah, it took some effort on my part to keep her from attacking any Beauxbatons students during the Triwizard Tournament."

"Wow. I had no idea. You'd never suspect it with such kind, forgiving breasts. So why was she angry with Moony?"

"His mother is French. And apparently Luna didn't know that. Well until about a half hour before you showed up. Luna wanted my permission to violently destroy the doll and I had to explain a few things about why she couldn't." Mini-Minnie explained.

"Huh. Well I guess we're pretty lucky she asked permission before breaking Mini-Moony."

"Yeah, although I did have an awful lot of protection charms on him already, so I'm not sure if it would have mattered or not."

Horny was rolling his eyes. "Anyways mate, where were you at?"

Snatch got a smile. "Just meeting a couple more fans. These two offered to do as I command. Never hurts to have a few of those around, ya know."

The next morning the Marauders were eating breakfast in the Great Hall. Mini-Minnie was reading the Daily Prophet and spoke up. "Hey Snatch. Would you care to revise your statement that you were meeting with a couple of fans yesterday?"

"Nope. Just pleasant conversation. Talked them into seeking help with some legal problems."

"By talking with them, do you mean a vicious battle with the Dark Lord's strongest last two remaining servants?"

Snatch let out a gurgle of disgust. "Oh god. How is this one being reported? Let me see that."

_Potter Does It Again. Business As Usual.  
_by Rita Skeeter

_Saturday afternoon the Wizarding World's saviour and hero Lord Harry Potter fought, battled, and overcame two of the most dastardly Death Eaters and certainly the two most wanted. Peter Pettigrew and Bellatrix Lestrange were both obviously beaten, defeated, and had their spirits crushed when they arrived at the Ministry yesterday. They confessed openly to their crimes and willingly went to Azkaban prison. They were heard claiming that their new Lord and Master would free them and praise them for their loyalty._

_Do not despair if you fear a new rising Dark Lord or threat. Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore assures, "Any new uprising threats will have to deal with Mr. Potter first. He is our champion and hero in every sense of the word. He is far more powerful than I ever was at my peak and I feel better knowing he is out there to deal with any future threat."_

_Apparently the Headmaster now wears with pride his titles of 'old' and 'barmy' and directs any inquiries about helpful assistance and combating new threats be directed towards the much younger and more attractive Mr. Potter. "Mr. Potter is quite skilled with his wand, as I am sure many witches will be pleased to hear. I believe he may be seeing someone but until there's a ring on a finger, he's fair game ladies."_

_The Headmaster finished by saying "We cannot praise him enough. I feel extremely lucky that he counts me as one of his 'most loyal' and as long as he is around: Insolence will not be tolerated!"_

Snatch snapped his head towards the staff table. The Headmaster looked extremely proud of himself and smiled right back at Snatch. Professor Lupin could be seen sniggering watching the faces Snatch made while reading the article. Professor McGonagall looked like she might snap again at any time. One of the Weasley twins seemed worried about her and asked if she was alright. She responded by slapping him quite hard. The other twin found this quite funny.

Luna sat down and joined the Gryffindors there at breakfast. Snatch was surprised to see the spectacular crescent orbs of pleasure were out and about. "Luna! I figured now that you knew Professor Lupin was part French you'd be wearing tops more often now."

"True that despicable little excuse of a man was the initial reason for my chosen attire. But I read this morning's paper and remembered how much you seemed to like my new look. I figured it was the least I could do for our champion. Our single unmarried champion."

Snatch just closed his eyes, sagged his shoulders and dropped his head down. Unfortunately Miss Lovegood saw this as an opening and quickly leaned forward. Snatch opened his eyes when his face smacked into something quite soft and warm.

Unsure how to deal with this situation, and quite frankly scared like a little girl, Snatch decided running from the Great Hall would be the best response here. He arrived in the owlery and decided to write a letter to his Nymphie and send her the outfit he had made for her.

Upon arrival in the owlery, Snatch was having second thoughts. There was an awful lot of very crude conversation going on between the owls. Many of them were engaged in a pooping contest. It appeared they were judging on speed, accuracy, and volume. Harry was a bit disgusted but when he thought about the extent of a life as an owl, he found it hard to judge or think less of them.

Hedwig came down and sat on his shoulder. "My Harry-Wizard! Have you come to bathe me with your tongue?"

"Not today Hedwig. Just needed to get away from all the hungry looks and hero worshipping going on at breakfast. It seems the Headmaster wasn't too pleased I made him kiss my feet and call me Master yesterday."

"And he still has both hips? I wouldn't have figured he could do that kind of bending. Though if the rumors are true, he magicked out a couple of his own ribs many years ago. Might have made himself some rubber hips too."

Snatch didn't understand that at all and sat down to write a quick note to go with his package.

_Dear Nymphie,  
I do hope you aren't worried after the Headmaster's particularly vindictive comments in this morning's Prophet. Trust me, even my sex dreams about other people all have you in them. Last night was this great one. At first I was dreaming I was one of the Patil quadruplets. It was this big old incestuous writhing pit of sweaty bodies. After some time I changed back into myself, as apparently I had been under polyjuice. And the remaining three Patils all got this crazy look in their eyes at having a different sort of body to play with now. Needless to say my face got sat on and I was blinded, but when one of them sat up, I saw her curlie-cues were bright pink. It just made me happy to know you were there too. And of course that you approved and were not going to castrate me in the future. Is continuous sexual thoughts similar to love? Hedwig just bit me and told me that yes, love is continuous sexual thoughts. At least until I'm out of school. Oh well. Then I can say with certainty, I love you my Nymphie._

_Love,  
Snatch_

"Can you deliver this little package and this note to Tonks for me Hedwig?"

Hedwig looked at her Harry-Wizard affectionately. "My Harry-Wizard, you can understand me now. So you must be able to understand stupid questions will get stupid responses." And she cuffed him pretty hard with her wing.

She flew off to deliver the note and package and Snatch headed back downstairs.

* * *

The next night, Moony's new pack, celebrated their first Hogwarts' full moon together. They'd kept him company at Grimmauld Place one time, but Moony didn't have faith in their animagus capabilities then. Cissy has been providing Wolfsbane and hers tasted slightly better than Snape's. Even still in Grimmauld, Moony had chained himself to the floor, and made the kids stay away from him. They held their forms the whole night without incident and Moony's fears were put to rest. 

Tonight they were going to have fun terrorizing the Forbidden Forest. They used an old Marauder spell that enabled telepathic communication between all of them so they could talk in their animal or werewolf forms.

They came upon some centaurs gazing at the sky.

"Mars is dimming still. But Uranus becomes easier to spot every day." Cottontail telepathically sent while walking behind Horny.

Snatch tried buzzing past the centaurs real fast and zipping in front of their line of vision. Nothing seemed to faze them. Only Moony's werewolf hearing caught Bane muttering "Next time I'm bringing a snidget-swatter."

They heard some really loud commotion and Snatch flew ahead while they all ran up. Moony continued on though the rest stopped when Snatch telepathically sent "Nobody come any closer. Trust me you don't want to see this."

Moony didn't heed the warning and howled loudly at the sight before him. Luckily a loud horn drowned out the noise.

"Snatch! What is it?"

"It appears as though Grawp has found a mate. Though I fear for the children's sake."

Horny exclaimed through the link "Oh no what's Luna doing now!"

A chorus of "eww's" from everyone else followed and Snatch said "Not Luna, Horny. It looks like Hagger's lil bro has managed to redomesticate your father's enchanted flying car. Though someone really should patch up that tail pipe."

Mini-Minnie seemed extremely intrigued at this prospect but decided perhaps now wasn't the time for research. Snatch led them all off in a different direction. If Horny had been paying attention he might have even recognized the path they were following.

Moony asked through the link "Umm Snatch. Are you sure you know where you're going? My instincts are telling me this is the wrong way to go. And usually I listen to them."

"Trust me Moony. This'll be fun."

Cottontail looked at their path. "Oooh look! Little spiders walking in a line!"

Horny let out a loud bleat and yelled into their shared link "HELL NO! Uh-uh. No way. We are turning around now."

"Aww come on. It'll be fun. I wonder if Aragog misses us."

"You're leading us into the acromantula's den? Are you nuts?" Cottontail asked.

"Well, as often as you compare me to Dumbledore, I don't feel I should have to answer that."

Moony put his two cents in. "I'm with Horny here…actually where did Horny go?"

"Pretty sure he ran off in the other direction. I'll go get him."

A couple of minutes later and a bribery of a private pensieve viewing, Horny and Snatch returned to where the others were. Unfortunately the others were somewhat surrounded by acromantulas at this time.

"Where the hell have you been and what the flying frig were you thinking leading us here! There are thousands of them!"

"Man you guys have no sense of adventure."

"So says the guy small enough to fly out through the gaps in their teeth and fast enough to get away."

"Alright fine. Watch this."

And Snatch hovered right in the middle of the main force of acromantula's transformed into his other form with a pop and hissed out "Boogada Boogada Boogada!"

The acromantulas nearby fainted at the sight of their most deadly enemy. Many of them lost control of themselves and spewed large quantities of silk on the ground. And all the ones capable of it ran away as fast as they possibly could. The rest of the Marauder's let a bit of their fright go and were laughing at the responses. The werewolf went over and cuffed the large basilisk on the head. "God damn you. I forgot your other form was their deadliest mortal enemy."

"Sheesh, what does it say about me that the people that don't know me expect the world from me, and the people that do seem to think I'm liable to get them killed at any given moment."

The other Marauders just looked at each other and shrugged in their animal forms.

"Alright fine. Everyone hop on and let's see how fast I can slither."

They all mounted up for a basilisk ride. "Dig your claws in all you want. My hide's pretty thick. And away we go!"

Even the centaurs had to pause their stargazing at the sight of a huge basilisk flying past them at a good 30mph with a werewolf, fox, goat, and cat hanging on for dear life.

By morning, Moony had changed back into his more human appearance, and Snatch helped him up to see Madame Pomphrey for some healing and rest. He caught up with Mini-Minnie, Horny, and Cottontail, and they told him he should go to the Lair. They were all going to go sleep and perhaps skip morning classes. Snatch nodded and went to the Lair.

It appeared as though his friends and fellow Marauders had let someone into the Lair. Because when Snatch got down there he found his little Tonky wearing the outfit he made her. It was a soft pink used pillowcase that did not cover very much but had green letters on it saying 'Property of Potter.' She had a bright smile splitting her face open.

"Nymphie wants to play with Nymphie's Master."

_**

* * *

**_


	17. Greatest Game Ever

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN – Greatest. Game. Ever.**

"Alright, we've got six players for PTPSTB, and Moony who was too scared to play but he offered to referee." Snatch explained.

"What the heck is there to referee?" Horny asked.

"No clue but he was adamant. I thought about seeing if Gred and Forge wanted to play but quite frankly I don't think they should know about the Lair yet. That and Ginny, if she was lucky enough to get a male, would still have a 75 percent chance of snogging her brother."

"Definitely not. Not to mention you and I get much better odds this way."

"Welcome Marauders and guests." Moony introduced the game. "Our first official round of Patil Twin Polyjuice Spin the Bottle is about to begin. Here's how it works. The six of you will each walk into your own closet. In there is a vial of polyjuice. You must undress completely, and then you will drink the polyjuice and turn into a Patil twin. For the sake of nipple fairness, it will actually be all Padma's for this first round. You will then open the cabinet and get out your clothing or perhaps uniform. Now you will all look identical and sound identical. While you are in your closet, the closets will be moved randomly, so you should have no preconceptions about who anyone else is."

"Eventually you most likely will notice mannerisms or speech patterns that may indicate just who a particular Patil twin is. If at anytime you vocally or otherwise indicate correctly or incorrectly another's identity you must take shot of firewhiskey. From there on, standard Spin the Bottle rules apply. And everyone always gets to snog a Patil twin. And as an outside observer, not as a member of Hogwarts' staff, but as a Marauder, I would like to say this game is very well thought out and were it not so damn illegal and pervy I would love to join in. Naturally the auror need not have the same respect for the law." Moony said rolling his eyes and nodding at Tonks.

"Alright contestants go in a closet and turn into a naked Patil twin."

Snatch, Mini-Minnie, Horny, Cottontail, Luna, and Tonks all went into closets and got naked. They drank their polyjuice and opened the cabinet to get their clothes.

A Patil twin's voice was heard "Hey this is only a pair of pajamas bottoms and a Slytherin necktie."

Another added "I've only got the tops."

"Is that a thong?"

"Am I supposed to be a French maid or a hooker?"

"Are you kidding me? Snatch's quidditch uniform? This thing is going to be so tight - … oh."

"Okay someone has some serious issues. Do I really have to wear a diaper?"

A clearly amused and laughing Moony yelled out "Yes! You do!"

"Fuck you, you French piece of twat!"

"Luna! Bad Luna, bad! Remember what we talked about? He's not French at all. He lost all his humanity, even his French humanity, and became nothing more than a dark savage beast when he was bitten."

"Watch it there Patil twin number five. No real names or you're drinking. You're lucky you haven't come out yet."

"Everyone get out here, have a drink, laugh at the others and play the game."

Six Patil twins came out of their closets and sat in a circle on soft plushy rug that had been conjured for the occasion. They were all chuckling quietly looking at all the others. Patil-twin-diaper looked a bit embarrassed but was clearly enjoying herself more than she wanted to admit. Patil-twin-thong seemed less than informed on proper thong wearing procedure and had pulled it way too tight. Moony thought it had to be painful. Most likely painful in a very good way though. The bottoms with the Slytherin necktie was an excellent combination. There was something inherently naughty in the Slytherin-ness. Tops left all but the bottom two buttons unbuttoned and seemed to be enjoying herself greatly. The French maid hooker seemed awfully fascinated the way she was staring at herself and often Patil-twin-diaper as well. But the one that really caught Moony's eye was definitely Patil-twin-quidditch. That uniform was working like a girdle and a wonderbra in one. All sorts of crude thoughts and comparisons to quaffles and bludgers came to mind. This looked like it could be a fun game.

Patil-twin-quidditch reached over to Patil-twin-tops, pinched her nipple hard, and said "Patil twin powers: Activate. Form of Sporty Patil with a chest trying its best to burst free."

Patil-twin-tops just goggled at Patil-twin-quidditch.

Patil-twin-hooker said unthinkingly "Bloody hell."

"Language!" Patil-twin-bottoms admonished.

"Christ Mini-Minnie you've been swearing like a sailor yourself lately." Patil-twin-hooker complained back.

"Horny! Don't say my name! Crap!" Patil-twin-bottoms recognized her error a moment too late.

"Drink Patil-twin-hooker! Drink Patil-twin-bottoms!" Moony happy exclaimed.

"On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen!" Patil-twin-quidditch happily sang.

Patil-twin-hooker and Patil-twin-bottoms drank their shots, sputtered a little, and continued glaring angrily at each other. Though they would both drift off occasionally realizing they were looking at hot half naked Patil twins.

"Okay, Patil-twin-tops, since you were the lucky one to be first manhandled and violated, you get to go first."

Patil-twin-tops span the empty butterbeer bottle and it landed on Patil-twin-diaper. They crawled towards each other and had a pleasant brief open mouth snog. Patil-twin-diaper was blushing and smiling a ton. "I just realized I can pee myself and it doesn't matter."

Patil-twin-diaper and Patil-twin-hooker both went into brief spasms of desire. Patil-twin-diaper took her turn and span the bottle. It landed on Patil-twin-hooker. They locked eyes and ran to embrace each other in a forceful snog. Moony and Patil-twin-thong let out simultaneous shivers and exclaimed "Eeeyurgh."

Patil-twin-quidditch looked over and tilted her head. "What?"

Patil-twin-thong had distaste visible on her face. "That's Ron, it's just that's -"

"Drink!" Moony exclaimed.

"That's wrong. It's just that's so wrong." Patil-twin-thong finished looking innocently.

"Did you say 'Ron'?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

"Yes."

"Take a drink."

"Okay."

Patil-twin-thong took her drink and Patil-twin-hooker span the bottle. It landed on Patil-twin-thong.

Patil-twin-thong held up a finger to shush Patil-twin-hooker. "Please don't say a word and make this more difficult than it already is."

Patil-twin-hooker leaned forward for what she believed to be a long deep kiss. Patil-twin-thong gave a quick closed mouth peck on the lips and pushed Patil-twin-hooker away. Unprepared for this, Patil-twin-hooker began to jump up and back. Instead she just got pushed back on her chest. "Hey! Easy on the merchandise. Need to keep these milkbags tender incase Patil-twin-diaper-baby gets thirsty." Patil-twin-hooker said with a wink at Patil-twin-diaper. Patil-twin-diaper blushed and avoided eye contact though her mouth may have been watering. Patil-twin-thong was getting a bit uncomfortable now. But at least it was her turn. She span the bottle and it landed on Patil-twin-tops.

Patil-twin-tops seemed quite happy to play again and leapt at Patil-twin-thong, wrapped her legs around her and snogged her as hard as she could. Patil-twin-thong simply stopped thinking at this point as a thorough understanding of the situation would provide an equal measure of extreme pleasure later when her brain would decide to turn back on.

After being forced apart and Moony threatening to get the hose, Patil-twin-tops composed herself enough to spin the bottle. It landed on Patil-twin-quidditch. Patil-twin-quidditch turned to look at Patil-twin-tops and slowly moved forward to claim her in a kiss. Patil-twin-tops was quite startled when Patil-twin-quidditch attached her mouth around Patil-twin-tops' nose and proceeded to lick, kiss, and suck all the parts of her nose. Patil-twin-tops was a bit hesitant at first but once she gave into the ministrations her nose was feeling her eyes began to roll back in her head to the sound of pleasurable moans.

Patil-twin-thong looked over at Moony "Kinda doubt the original Marauders got around to making up a game like this."

"Patil-twin-thong, if the original Marauders played games like this one then Snatch, whichever one of you he is, would never have existed. We were four unrelated teenage boys. It takes a certain kind of man to want to play this game with only other males. You guys at least are 2 males and 2 females. Including a brother/sister combo that just increases the perviness. And you brought in two more hot females. There'd be some major differences if the original Marauders tried this game." Moony looked away with a pensive frown. "Although maybe Peter would have gotten what he wanted then and not betrayed us all."

Patil-twin-diaper was staring in rapt fascination now at Patil-twin-hooker. Hearing the term 'milkbags' was so terribly crude and descriptive, that Patil-twin-diaper could not tear her eyes away from the offending body parts.

Patil-twin-quidditch was composing herself post-snog by pinching and twisting her own nipples quite hard, if the redness and irritation was any indication. She took her turn spinning the bottle and it landed on Patil-twin-bottoms.

Patil-twin-bottoms smiled in relief at finally getting to play. "Wotcher! It's about time I got me some Patil loving." She responded with a forceful kiss and some friendly but obviously inappropriate groping.

"Bloody hell" Patil-twin-hooker and Patil-twin-thong said together.

"Language!" Patil-twin-bottoms and Patil-twin-tops said in response in unison.

They all looked at each other and were cracking up. Snogging and groping continued until their hour was almost up.

Patil-twin-thong spoke up "Alright Moony. Have you figured out who we all are yet?"

Moony just shook his head. "I have some suspicions, and if I'm right, then I definitely do not want to know that. Let me stew in my uncertainty please."

"Alright. Let's end with a lightning round, where you all strip naked and ride the water slides. Mix yourselves up enough and no one will know who was who. That's the only way you'll be able to look some of these people in the eye again. You can all assume the most deviant acts were performed by Luna."

Patil-twin-tops and Patil-twin-hooker exclaimed indignantly "Hey! You should drink for that!"

Moony agreed, knocked one back and tried to forget a few things while permanently etching others into the forefront of his mind. 'Something's gotta power a Patronus.'

They all were riding the slide a few more times, before they started shifting back. As soon as they realized they were looking like their old selves, all four Marauders popped into their animagus forms and went off to their own rooms to get dressed again. Luna was quite comfortable to be nude and was unconcerned. Tonks decided it would only be fair, so she quickly adopted Moony's form in the nude rather than one closer to her own.

Moony blushed at the sight and exclaimed indignantly that he wasn't _that_ hairy. His lack of comment on other parts of anatomy had Tonks guessing she was may have been too generous. She headed off to the room she knew was her Snatch's and got some clothes to wear.

"I really think the Patil twins should get an Order of Merlin for this. You all want to play this game again?"

"Mmm-hmm." four voices said in unison.

"Come to think of it, next time we play we should invite Padma and Parvati."

Moony was heavily considering resigning if it let him play with a semi-clear conscience next time.

_**

* * *

**_


	18. Oh crap Umm whoops?

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN – Oh crap. Umm whoops?**

The next Saturday morning the Marauders had managed to pull a few tricks on all the ghosts. Peeves was in charge of getting them all to Great Hall that morning, and apparently the ghosts were too curious about this less mischievous side of Peeves to pass up the opportunity. They were unprepared for their appearance in the Great Hall to shift their own bodies into corporeal states. Myrtle was one of the first into the hall and when she floated into the entrance she fell about a foot and hit the floor with a thud. Realizing she was solid she ran over and placed a big hug and loud smacking kiss right on Snatch.

The Bloody Baron began freaking out thinking he was bleeding still. He wasn't but it took him a while to accept this. When the Grey Lady entered Myrtle was delighted to see she too had taken a corporeal form, but she seemed to have clown make-up all over her face. It seemed the Grey Lady was completely unaware of this and took all the laughter and pointing as people cheering her for her new solid state. The Fat Friar just laughed and enjoyed his present state, but he and Myrtle seemed to have a smutty conversation with their eyes before he took off in a run somewhere outside of the hall. After getting reassurance from Snatch, that their current states would last at least ten hours, Myrtle sprinted after him, and was last seen quickly gaining ground.

The most fun though was Nearly Headless Nick. He was the last one Peeves managed to herd to the Great Hall. When he fell in a corporeal form he had the most shocked look on his face. He just was looking around at everyone staring at him. He began touching his head unable to believe this was real. You could see on his face, the moment he completely processed what was happening, and he grabbed his head as firmly as he could around his neck and under his jaw. With a vicious upward rip he had finally torn his head completely off. It was a grisly sight, but seeing him holding his detached head high in the air, and that detached head smiling and exclaiming "Yes!" was almost as funny as it was disgusting. He held his head in front of him and aimed it to stare at where his head used to be. "Man I have wanted to see you like this for a long while." It was hard to tell if that was his head talking to his body, or where his head should have been talking to the detached head in his hands. He then palmed the back of his head and rolled it out the Great Hall like he was bowling. His body chased after it pumping its fists into the air while the head could be heard saying things like "Awesome!" and "Super sweet!"

With his responsibilities finished now it was Peeves turn to claim his prize. Rather than simply turn corporeal, Peeves instead had popped into an exact duplicate of the Headmaster. He approached the smiling Headmaster sitting at the staff table. His brow was furrowed and he had adopted a thinking mans pose. "I think, Headmaster, that we should have a lot of fun today."

The seated Headmaster responded. "Oh yes, Headmaster. Today should be a good day."

The two Headmasters then did some sort of secret handshake that disconcerted the Marauders.

The rest of the afternoon the ghosts were all having fun with the students actually getting to play around and be solid for a little while. Some ickle firsties had to go see Madame Pomphrey after claiming to have seen two naked Albus Dumbledores running through the halls hand and hand. The Grey Lady enjoyed all the attention she was getting, but it seemed she had yet to even realize her face was painted. Myrtle was seen with a smile on her face and enjoyed her time with the resident Hufflepuff ghost. She affectionately called him Moaning Friar and several people felt that was too much information. She found two new friends in Crabbe and Goyle who were actually asking her for more explicit details.

One of the funnier sights was the Gryffindor Ghost Nick who was apparently quite familiar with American style football. He would lean forward in a crouch holding his head on the ground, yelling out "Drache 58, Drache 58, 24, set, hut, hut, hike!" And then he would hike his own head from between his legs back to the Giant Squid in the lake. Nick's body would go long, and the Squid could hit him in perfect stride every time.

In her research on the spells necessary to force the ghosts into corporeal forms, Mini-Minnie stumbled onto some curious ideas about Death. The one that caught her attention was one explaining some misunderstanding and fallacies about Death. Especially as it pertains to a mysterious archway to the land of the dead. Mini-Minnie was almost certain that was the so-called Veil of Death in the Department of Mysteries. Apparently the archway allowed people to travel straight into the land of the dead, without ever feeling the pain of death. Their life ends instantaneously, but it also leaves them a bit more tethered to that exit from mortal plane, and makes communicating with them possible nearer to the archway.

She wanted to find out more information before mentioning it to Snatch. If he thought he could reach Sirius, he'd hop on the first thestral headed out of here. 'Although actually he could fly there a lot faster on his own now.' Like with any great challenge, it's back to the library! She knew Snatch had snuck out to Hogsmeade to meet up with Tonks, so she corralled Cottontail and Horny to help her.

* * *

Snatch met up with his Nymphie in the Shrieking Shack. A quick snogging and they were contemplating what they wanted to do today. Snatch told her of his plan to do things he'd never done and go places he'd never gone. Tonks suggested they try and do something new today. Some discussion and more snogging they decided to go find some water. Snatch had never seen the ocean or a beach, and the extent of his experiences with bodies of water were his aunt and uncle hiding him from Hagrid, and the triwizard tournament. Tonks didn't have the power to apparate all the way to the ocean, but she suggested Snatch turn into a snidget and hop into her pocket and she could apparate to a different large lake not too terribly far away. Snatch was giddy at the idea. He gave her one last quick smooch and popped into his snidget form and nestled himself snugly into her cleavage. 

Tonks was giggling at the way he was tickling her. She concentrated and apparated right to the shore of the lake she remembered visiting when she was younger. Checking that the coast was clear, Snatch flew out and popped back into himself.

"This is great Tonks. Where are we?"

"We're a few miles Southwest of Inverness. Not sure the name of the lake but I think it's supposed to be some sort of Muggle tourist attraction. Biggest lake in the Scottish highlands if memory serves."

"Wow. It's gorgeous."

"Actually Snatch it's a bit dirty, but since you've never seen clear water, we can pretend. Wanna go for a swim?"

Snatch started acting a bit shy, "I can't exactly swim. Never got taught. I figured out how to keep myself afloat enough, but that was more to upset Uncle Vernon who I think was hoping I would drown."

"Well why don't you let me teach ya then?"

The pair transfigured their clothes into proper swimming attire and waded out into the water. They were smiling and paddling to keep afloat while Tonks tried to give Snatch some pointers on how to swim. A few frustrating failures where they kept clinging close to each other and finally they both pointed out the obvious.

"Tonks it's absolutely freezing in here. I know you're cold too, but my nipples could cut glass right about now."

"Yeah, I will admit this hasn't been the best of ideas, but at least I can rub up against you."

Snatch got a grin and said "I've got an idea Tonks." He grabbed his wand and cast a warming charm on his Nymphie. "Oh yeah! Oops. Good idea there Snatch."

"Actually that's only half my idea. You missed out on our Marauder mayhem in the woods last full moon, so you've never had a proper basilisk ride! Cottontail and Mini-Minnie assure me the vibrations are quite heavenly."

"Alright, I'm going to keep my wand and refresh the warming charms. Actually knowing you I'll need a bubblehead charm too. If you see any muggles or I bang on you when I spot any, you dive so we can keep out of sight."

"It's fun and hold on." Harry checked that the coast was clear and Tonks got situated. Once she was secure, Harry took off with a blast and dove quickly into the depths of the lake. He was going a lot faster and Tonks was having the ride of her life. She had morphed into a younger girl and was squealing with glee yelling a much muffled "Faster, Faster!" The speeds they soon reached had the unfortunate side effect of ripping the oversized swimming suit the young girl was wearing right off.

Once Harry was convinced she wasn't going to be falling off he began to surface and would even jump several feet into the air before landing back with a splash and a shallow dive. They repeated this process many times over both completely enjoying themselves and acting like children.

It wouldn't be until several days later that the Headmaster called Harry into his office to discuss some of the British tabloids. The headlines "Nessie kidnaps small girl!" and "Missing link child tames Loch Ness Monster!" caught Harry's eye, and the matching pictures proved to be a bit embarrassing. Harry's claims of innocence fell on deaf ears.

* * *

Having finished their research and understanding just what it might mean, the three Marauders were prepared to explain themselves to Snatch. 

Mini-Minnie began. "Alright Snatch. We've done some research and have a couple of ideas you should be aware of. First off, you should know, everything we've found agrees that Sirius is truly dead."

Horny picked up, "But there's a chance you will be able to talk to him. It will really be helped if he had the other magic mirror with him when he fell through the veil."

Cottontail continued, "If he did, then we think if you're close enough to the veil, like within a few feet, you should be able to talk to him in the land of the dead with it."

Mini-Minnie added "We think you should definitely try and contact and talk to him first. But even if you can't there is one other thing you can do. If you have a close connection to someone who goes through the veil, you can cast a spell, that might be a tad bit necromantic, but it can call their spirit back to the mortal plane and make them into a ghost."

Cottontail finished "You should try and talk to him first and see if he can or wants to come back as a ghost. We're all pretty sure he's going to be excited as a poodle in heat to come back and haunt you all the rest of your life."

Horny smiled. "And he can help us prank the hell out of Moony. Umm…you okay Snatch?"

Throughout all this Snatch was just snapping his head back and forth and staring intently at whomever was talking. He was getting all twitchy, just waiting for someone to shout "Go!" and he would sprint straight towards the veil. The other three sat there waiting on Snatch.

Finally he stumbled out. "Are-are you guys serious? Is this possible?"

Horny seemed to fighting the inevitable Sirius-serious joke before Mini-Minnie just cuffed him able to tell what he was thinking. All three nodded and said "Yeah."

"Should we tell Dumbledore or get this little mission authorized? I can wait until tonight but I don't think I will put this off any longer than that."

The other three knew this was coming and agreed. "We know. We figured it would be just us four, sneaking out and doing our thing."

Snatch seemed to settle down a bit and actually smiled. "Well alright then. Sounds like a plan. How do you guys want to do this?"

Mini-Minnie seemed to wince a bit and said "If you're okay with it, we figured what worked last time will work again. Thestrals should still work like a charm."

Snatch smiled. "Yeah they will." Snatch seemed to walk around in a bit of a daze. "I cannot believe this could really be happening. Oh crud I've got to go fix my mirror!"

One fixed mirror, and a couple hours later, it was dark out, and Snatch flew into the forest and found some thestrals. Being able to understand them made it much easier this time. He informed them of his plan, and they were happy to oblige. One of them was looking forward to hitting the dumpster across the street again. Apparently it had some tasty fix-ins last June.

They all mounted the beasts even though Snatch was the only one who could see them and flew off towards the Ministry. Along the way Snatch discovered he had no clue who was Minister anymore. Apparently too much snogging and he wasn't keeping up with his politics or current events. Hearing Madame Bones was the new Minister pleased Snatch, as she seemed like a fair but strict woman. Mini-Minnie went on a bit of rant complaining about the term 'Ministress' being completely inaccurate. Snatch didn't care much. He just hoped having a capable Minister didn't mean security getting into the Ministry and Department of Mysteries was going to be any more difficult.

Luckily Snatch's fears were unfounded. Apparently incompetence in government you can always depend on, and they had no problems at all making their way to the room with the Veil.

He walked right up to it and heard the voices again. No one else heard any voices, so he wasn't sure what was going to happen. He pulled out his mirror and called out "Sirius!"

There was mist in the mirror that seemed to be moving, but no response. "Padfoot! Sirius Black!"

The mist began to clear and there was a smiling goofy shocked looking Sirius Black. "Harry! Holy shit! What are you doing?"

"Sirius! Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I should never have come here. I should have known you weren't here. I should have used the mirror before. I should have-"

"Harry! Stuff it for a minute! I don't blame you, you moron. And I heard you got Voldemort! Nice! So what's been going on? How old are you even now? You look a lot older, although it looks like your partners in crime behind you aren't much older. Albus didn't stick you in some weird time travel training crap did he?"

"No…although that would've been kinda fun maybe. No it's only been about three months since you fell through here."

"You're at the veil! What the hell are you doing?"

"It's only here the mirrors can work. We just found that out earlier today and broke back into the Department of Mysteries just now. Speaking of which, we might want to get a move on. We are kinda trespassing and breaking and entering and stuff."

"Ahh, okay. I was hoping to talk for you a while longer. Your parents love you and miss you though they were a bit pissed hearing about some of the adventures you get yourself into."

Harry blushed and said "Yeah about that…umm we've got an idea, if you're up for it. Since you fell through the veil, I think I can cast this itty bitty semi-necromantic spell and make you a ghost back here. Wanna come haunt Hogwarts with us? You can scare the hell out of Moony!"

"Really? That sounds kinda…dangerous. But yeah! Hold on, just a second."

Sirius disappeared from the mirror and Snatch turned and was smiling brightly at the other Marauders. They'd been remaining silent and enjoying seeing their friend so happy. Mini-Minnie it seemed had a whole lot of questions she wanted to ask, but was biting her lip and saying nothing.

"Heya Harry! I just told Prongs and Lils what was up. They were jealous as all hell, though Lily says she's going to be able to pinch my bum and perhaps be able to relay and talk to each other still. I've no clue how this death stuff works but your mum's usually right so whatever. Now be a big bad evil necromancer and let's get this show on the road!"

Harry smiled brightly, and stepped back. Mini-Minnie briefed him again on what to do and how to do it. The bond and specifically the open connection through the mirror should be sufficient enough for Harry to pull him out. Harry grabbed the mirror in his left hand and his wand in his right and bellowed out the spell.

The Marauders were all watching eagerly and the veil was fluttering up and billowing in some mysterious wind. A swirl of fog blocked most of their view and some indistinct shape was forming. A familiar voice was heard as the mist seemed to settle and they heard "Bloody hell, Harry, that was fun!" A surprising second voice was heard going "ungh."

When he could see clearly Harry saw his smiling ghost of a godfather. As a lovely present from the Fates, who felt he was overdue for a headache there was a second recognizable ghost with him.

Harry's eyes went wide and gulped out, "Voldemort!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**Author's Note**: drache5824 guessed all the Patil Twin identities correctly!  
_

**Solution to last chapter's logic problem was:**  
_ Patil-twin-diaper was Harry.  
Patil-twin-hooker was Tonks.  
Patil-twin-bottoms was Luna.  
Patil-twin-tops was Ron.  
Patil-twin-thong was Hermione.  
Patil-twin-quidditch was Ginny._


	19. Ghost in the Half Shell

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

CHAPTER NINETEEN – Ghost in the Half Shell**

"Potter! Did you just resurrect me as your new Lord and Master?"

"That'd be a negative Tom." Harry said with a roll of his eyes.

"Then what the dickens is going on?"

"Yeah about that. It was umm not exactly part of the plan. While I'm thinking of it, does anyone know how to kill a ghost?"

Tom raised his hand patiently. "I do." He lowered his hand and floated quietly in place.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Are we going to share with the rest of the group?"

Tom looked over at Sirius and frowned. "Nope. You just want it to kill me. Again."

Harry nodded. "I'll admit that was my first intention. Although Tom you seem especially well-mannered and do not seem to mind your muggle name anymore. Care to comment?"

Tom blushed as well as a ghost could blush. "Oh yeah. That reminds me. I'm supposed to apologize to you Potter. So," Tom cleared his throat a bit. "Harry, I'm like, I'm sorry or whatever." Tom had lowered his head and was looking away now though you could see his bottom lip extended in a frown.

Ron was looking at the former Dark Lord as if his great grandfather had just asked Ron to oil up his back. 'I was afraid of this guy?' While Ginny's bottom lip was quivering imagining the Tom Riddle that never got to be. 'Oh good lord I have serious issues.'

Harry's eyes were wide and getting wider. He was looking at Tom with no clue what to do. "Sirius! Thank Merlin you're here. This is totally a parent or godfather type question. I'd always thought that you should always accept an apology whenever they seem genuine. But does that rule still apply even if it's an apology for murdering thousands and terrorizing a nation, as well as hunting me all my life, killing my parents, and trying to kill me more times than I can count right now?"

Sirius looked blankly at Harry. "Oh crap. Where's Moony?"

"Hey! You're my godfather! This is your territory."

"Alright, alright. I guess the whole idea of always accepting is kinda important. I know it's not the same as forgiving, but you should still accept it. Although it seems like there's gotta be a limit to how far you can push things. Genocide has to carry some sort of special circumstances. Then again, the whole point of taking the high road-"

"Oh for god's sake Sirius you're useless." Harry interrupted with a frustrated tinge to his voice.

Sirius let out a loud sigh and smiled and nodded at Harry. "Yeah I really am. It was drunken prank Prongs pulled on me naming me godfather. I never did get him back for that."

Harry turned to Tom and stomped his foot like a petulant child. "Fine I accept or whatever. But you gotta tell me what the hell brought this on. And shouldn't you have been _in_ hell? Eternal damnation? Suffering? Your soul destroyed or eradicated for being evil? Something?"

Tom got a disgusted look on his face. "Oh man I was in hell. It was horrible. I met my mom for the first time and, man, was she pissed at me! I've been listening to her rant and moan and whine and annoy me since I hopped through the veil."

Harry couldn't stop the big smile breaking out over his face.

"The other kids she compared me to," Tom said shaking his head. "You'd think I was the worst son ever."

Hermione mumbled quietly, "Certainly top ten."

Tom continued not noticing the interruption, "And don't get me started on her opinion of you. She created a Harry Potter Fan Club down there in hell. And of course every single one of my dead followers is a charter member. Pfft. And they wonder why I killed them.

"Anyways, part of my rehabilitation involves confronting and apologizing. So sorry and stuff. I'm supposed to play the goody goody floofy little rainbow riding happy fairy now. I swear. Some people simply can't forgive a little penchant for genocide and world domination. It's not like being a Dark Lord wasn't a lot of fun. But noooooo…" Tom was finishing with a particularly sarcastic voice.

Hermione decided it was time to assess the situation. "So you jumped through the veil? That's how you died?"

Tom nodded. Hermione explained, "And because of Harry's connection with you through the Avada Kedavra curse, when he was pulling back Sirius from the veil, he pulled you too."

Tom's eyes went wide and he smiled. "Potter intentionally called us back? Why you dirty little necromancer you!"

"And now it seems the two of you are bound to me until I die." Harry closed his eyes and sighed. "Oh man Tonks is going to kill me."

"Why would my cousin…oh Harry! Damn, you go boy! So who'd you make her turn into first?"

Harry blushed. "It's not like that. I don't _make_ her do anything. Although so far she has been Ron, Prince William, Voldemort, and me."

Ron and Tom both snapped their heads towards Harry. Hermione got a dreamy look on her face thinking about the Prince of 'Wails'. Harry quickly corrected himself "Err, that's not … I mean… she's done that when we were snogging and stuff."

Ginny seemed to be a voice of reason. "Perhaps we can continue this conversation at the Lair. We sorta are still trespassing and breaking and entering here. Not to mention any illegal magics."

This snapped the new Marauders into motion, and Tom and Sirius followed Harry. They made their way out of the Ministry and were glad to find the thestrals were still at the dumpster buffet across the street. Harry had to convince them they really needed to go now, and the thestrals flew them back to Hogwarts.

Along the ride back, Harry was filling in Sirius on the majority of the events since his death. He explained his meeting with the 'Minister', while Tom had the sense to look a bit ashamed. Though hearing about the growth spurt made some sense to Tom. Harry told him about how they were the new Marauders, and their nicknames and animagus forms. Tom was quite jealous of Harry's basilisk form. Harry explained McGonagall's breakdowns and Hermione's day teaching. He told him Moony was teaching DADA and Luna's brief crush on him. Harry was trying to remember everything worth noting. They explained the Lair that Tom was quite excited to hear about. Just as they arrived in it, Harry was explaining how Snape had been busted, and shown to have been neither loyal to the Order or Tom. Tom had figured as much. Harry felt like he was forgetting something else.

As they were relaxing in their study area in the Lair, Sirius thought to ask, "So who's teaching Potions now then?"

Harry smacked himself in the forehead. "That's what I forgot to mention! Your cousin, Narcissa Malfoy, became my house elf Cissy. And my Cissy is teaching Potions." Sirius stopped moving. "And her house elf Poncy, her son Draco, is also her assistant."

And for the first time in Sirius's existence as a ghost, he was shocked senseless. His mouth was opening and closing but no words made it out. Tom waved his hand in front of Sirius with no response. Tom was quite surprised when he went to stick his hand through Sirius's head that they were corporeal to each other and he managed to smack him across the face.

"Ow. What was that for?"

"Sorry, we lost you there for a minute." Tom said with a shrug.

Sirius scrunched his eyes closed and was patting the top of his head. Apparently to keep this information from slipping out as he processed it. He took a deep breath and let it out. "Okay."

Sirius took another deep breath and opened his eyes. "So what now?"

Harry got his evil smile. "So now we have another Marauder to help us catch up on the mayhem we missed due to that bugger over there." Harry said while pointing at Tom. Tom had a sheepish look and shrugged. He couldn't exactly argue that point or deny it.

"So I was thinking we continue along our merry way and do some pranks. Sirius I know you're game without even asking. But Tom, would you be up some fun? I guarantee Albus will be good for a laugh. If we do it right, we might get a heart attack too. Though we'd better avoid McGonagall. I'm pretty sure it could kill her."

Tom put on his Slytherin face and pretended to be weighing the options in his head. He gave up with a resigned smile. "It's not like I have anything else to do. And it's better than listening to mom bit-eeeooow! Something just pinched me!"

Sirius snickered. "I think that was your mum. Lils told me that when they tried really hard the dead can reach out to ghosts." Sirius went a bit cross-eyed. "Okay and I think Prongs just picked my nose."

Sirius smiled. "And now Lils is massaging my…owwwwww shit Prongs! I was kidding!"

* * *

The next day at lunch, Hermione was going to talk to Professor McGonagall, keep her busy and away from lunch, and find out once and for all if she was the old her. 

Harry asked Cissy to make a special dessert for each of the other staff members. Harry said he would take care of Professor Dumbledore, Professor Lupin, and Professor McGonagall. And they would keep the desserts hidden under separate large covered serving dishes. All with cards from 'Cissy and friends.'

The next day at lunch, the staff members were extremely worried at the sight of special dishes hidden from there eyes. They all ate lunch carefully and were checking all the foods and immediate area for spells. At Cissy's eager smile and urging, Professor Flitwick slowly uncovered a gorgeous looking turtle cheesecake. He exhaled happily and took a bite. A loud 'Mmm' and a thumbs up eased many staff members worries. Albus and Remus were still on their guard though. Professor Sinistra eagerly found a large chocolate mousse. And Professor Sprout was delighted by her spotted dick. Albus wearily realized he had to face the music at some point. He slowly lifted the lid, and found nothing. He was looking at the empty serving dish curiously, when out of nowhere Tom Riddle's ghostly floating head appeared. He smiled devilishly at the Headmaster and yelled out "I'm back!"

And for the first time that week, the Headmaster let out a loud piercing girlish scream. He jumped backwards out of his seat. When Tom Riddle smirked at Albus and shook his head saying "Really Albus," the old man passed out completely. Tom disappeared before anyone else took too much notice of him. Remus ran over to the Headmaster. He found Albus was in fact breathing. Remus reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a nearly full bottle of firewhiskey. He propped Albus's head up, poured a mouthful in his mouth, and covered his mouth and nose forcing the Headmaster to swallow. Moony repeated this over eight times before the Headmaster woke back up coughing and hacking. Albus calmly got up and went to his office. He needed some liquor from his special stash now.

Remus went back to his seat and saw all the other teachers had uncovered their desserts and were eating them. He was pretty sure he saw the Dark Lord appear on Albus's plate so he was a bit apprehensive about his own. It was the only uncovered one left and finally his curiousity got the better of him. He lifted it and saw nothing. That quickly changed when Padfoot appeared with a giant smile and yelled "MOONY!" Remus's body wavered back and forth for a second before he too fell to the ground limp in a faint.

_**

* * *

**_


	20. Little Orphan Minnie

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

CHAPTER TWENTY – Little Orphan Minnie**

"HARRY BLOODY POTTER!" a loud voice echoed throughout the castle. "Get in my office now!" He sounded drunk. "Bitch!" Yup, definitely drunk.

Harry looked around completely innocently before asking his friends, "You think he means me?"

Ron and Ginny both looked at him. Ron answered. "Yeah Snatch, I'm pretty sure he means you."

Ginny added "You might wanna take Moony with you."

Harry sighed and nodded. He walked up to the staff table, and grabbed an unconscious Moony by the hair. He walked out of the hall dragging the man behind him. A number of students had their eyes wide and curious wondering why Harry 'Bloody' Potter was dragging their unconscious Defense professor by the hair.

Along the way, Tom and Sirius both appeared. Tom asked the question on everyone's mind. "Is your middle name really 'Bloody'? Cuz that would make so much sense."

Alright, so maybe that wasn't the question on everyone's mind. Certainly not Sirius's mind, as he responded by cuffing Tom upside the head. 'Got to take advantage of being the only one able to smack this ghost of a Dark Lord.' Sirius felt it was his duty. That and thinking of the word 'duty' was always good for a snicker from the elder Marauder.

Harry rolled his eyes. Sirius, if left alone, would just break out into silent sniggers and occasionally loud barks of laughter. Harry wasn't sure how much was attributable to Azkaban and how much was just normal demented Padfoot. "No my middle name is not Bloody. It's James. And before you say anything, remember this: Marvolo? Yeah."

"Hey now. That's grandpappy you're making fun of." Tom defended.

"This the grandpappy you never met? Or the one who kept making you sit on his lap?"

"The one that made me….arg. Shut up Bloody Potter." Tom fumed quietly until they arrived at their destination.

Harry was still dragging the unconscious Moony, gave the gargoyle the password, and told Tom and Sirius to stay invisible until the Headmaster and Moony were prepared.

Harry knocked on the door.

"Yes, yes, get in here already." An aggravated gruff voice yelled back from inside the office.

Harry slowly entered, pulling Moony with him. "You wanted to see me sir?"

"So it's 'sir' now? Not 'barmy old coot'?"

Harry smiled. "Can't it be both, sir?"

"I'm warning you: watch the cheek. Now I see you had the forethought to drag your unconscious DADA professor with you, so obviously you're going to explain this to me. So let's hear it."

"Perhaps we should wake Moony first?"

The Headmaster rolled his eyes and waved him on. A quick _ennervate_, and Moony woke up rubbing his sore head. He was brushing off a lot of dust and sand that covered the front of his body. He looked around at his surroundings and remembered what caused him to go unconscious. Albus was clearly agitated and a little inebriated. And Harry bloody Potter was looking innocent and whistling quietly. "Dammit Snatch, couldn't you have used a _mobilicorpus_?"

Harry just shrugged. He didn't think Moony would appreciate any of the answers he had to that question.

Moony yelled at Harry. "Why the heck did I see Padfoot?" Albus raised an eyebrow at that. It explained his DADA professor's presence. Albus added "And why did Tom inform me 'he was back'?"

"Because you'd been drinking and hallucinating?" Harry suggested.

"I hardly think I would hallucinate a prank against myself. And certainly not one against Remus after I had left the Hall. Try again. And perhaps address the issue that the two most likely dead spirits linked to you both appeared at lunch today."

"Alright. Don't scream or anything, but you two, go ahead and make yourselves visible."

Tom and Sirius apparently had been planning this and both appeared and were dancing a small routine together with big smiles on their faces. Sirius pretended to have a cane he was twirling and pumping his arms forward. And it certainly appeared Tom Riddle had had some tap dancing lessons, as he was kicking up a storm. A few jumps and heels snapping together and they finished with jazz hands and smiles towards Moony and the Headmaster.

Albus just reached into a drawer and pulled out two bottles of firewhiskey, handing one to Remus.

Harry was beginning to wonder if he would have to go through this explanation a few times. The Headmaster's current drinking pace would indicate a 'yes'. His ponderings were interrupted by the man in question. "Harry, I thought I told you to come to me with any pickles. This situation is the very definition of the sort of pickle you need to bring to me. A tap-dancing Dark Lord haunting you to the end of time could be a delicate situation for you."

"Yeah, but he can be a respectable prankster too. And it's not like he's a Dark Lord anymore."

Sirius was looking at Moony. "You okay there Moony?"

"Padfoot! What in the-… I mean why-… You shouldn't-… oh geez. Why are you a ghost now? I thought ghosts stayed here if they had some sort of unfinished business before passing on. You passed on!"

Sirius smiled a big proud smile. "Yeah I know! And that cheeky lil bugger of a godson pulled me back! Isn't this great!"

The Headmaster's eyes widened. "Harry! Please tell me you haven't been practicing black magics."

"Sirius! Ix-nay on the explanations-err-ay." Harry finished with a sigh. "Ap-cray."

Tom just had a proud look on his face. "Ahh come on Potter, you should be boasting! When I first tried necromancy it failed miserably. And on your first try, you not only succeed, you hit the double bonus!"

The Headmaster was looking oddly at Tom. "What changed you Tom? Why are you so … agreeable?"

Harry laughed a little while Tom had the decency to blush. He quietly mumbled and looked up. "My mum." And finally the Headmaster gave in and started laughing loudly at the former Dark Lord. He was pointing at him and kept chuckling whenever he made eye contact.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laugh it up old man." Tom was getting a bit irritated at being a source of mockery.

Harry admonished him. "Now, now Tom. Don't you have something you want to say?"

Tom snapped his head towards Potter. "I hate you!" he hissed out before mumbling some unintelligible curse words Harry's way. "Fine." Tom gave in.

"Professor Dumbledore, I'm…I'm sorry. You were right and I apologize."

The Headmaster paused and listened to the ghost in front of him. He briefly thought about the obvious remorse Tom Riddle was showing before going back to his loud laughing and pointing. In between his fits he managed to get out "Somehow, 'I told you so' seems insufficient."

Tom looked over at Harry with angry narrowed eyes. "This is exactly what I told Dr. Melfi would happen." He started sniffling. "I'm just not ready to deal with this." And his sniffling turned into outright sobs.

Sirius just shook his head. "Come here Tom. Let it out. Let it all out."

The Headmaster looked at the sad faces Remus, Harry, and Sirius were all giving him. He responded the only way he could. He drank. He tipped his bottle back and finished it off. He slurred out at Harry. "Harry, all I ask is, please don't kill us all." The Headmaster grabbed another bottle and made his way back into his private chambers. A loud thump and no cursing indicated he had fallen to the floor unconscious.

Tom lifted his head off Sirius's shoulder. "He bought that?" Sirius just nodded and smiled. "Yeah! This is going to be great."

Moony briefly looked appalled before realizing he wanted to be on these ghosts' good side and just smiled and chuckled with the rest of the room's occupants. Harry spoke up. "Let's see how the other Marauders are doing. I want to see how frustrated and angry Mini-Minnie is."

* * *

A long time ago or at least a little bit earlier, in a transfiguration classroom far, far away, a very inquisitive Marauder was enjoying a lunch and interrogation with her favorite professor. 

"Thank you very much for having me for lunch Professor. There is a somewhat private matter I was hoping to discuss with you."

Minerva McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? What would you like to talk about Miss Granger?"

"Please call me Hermione. I was wondering what your youth was like Professor."

"My youth? Erm well. That is a sort of personal question."

"I apologize if it seems like I'm prying Professor, it's just I look up to you so much, I want to know how it is you became such a great instructor."

Professor McGonagall had the decency to blush. "Well I never said I wouldn't answer it, it's just that, I'm not really sure how much I can tell you."

"Would you like an oath of confidentiality Professor? I assure you I'm not looking to uncover your secrets or expose anything about you."

"No, no. It's not that. It's just that some time before I began teaching here at Hogwarts, I was attacked by a dark wizard," Minerva paused briefly before adding "or wizards. They obliviated much of my personal memories away. I get bits and pieces of it, but it is clearly incomplete."

"Oh Professor! I'm so sorry! I had no idea!" Hermione said, although inside this seemed to further prove what she was thinking. "Do you know who did it?"

Minerva shook her head. "No Hermione I do not. That's unfortunately one of the main components of a successful memory charm. For a long time I considered having Albus forcibly remove the charm, but in doing so, most likely I would suffer brain damage due to the severity of the memory charm. It is unclear how much, but I find blissful ignorance to better serve me than a brain dead vegetative state."

Hermione was looking at her with wide eyes thinking 'Harry you lying sack of shit! I'm going to kill you!' She calmed herself a bit and asked "Would you mind sharing with me what you do remember?"

Minerva smiled. "It's only bits and pieces. I remember the orphanage I grew up at and the awful Miss Hannigan there. My friends called me 'Minnie' and we sang show tunes to brighten up our days. It was basically a hard knock life."

Hermione was furrowing her brow. It sounds like whoever obliviated her was a bit of a jokester.

"Times were tough. Other kids went after my mush, and I'd yell at them to 'keep their mitts off my grub.' Well, until Daddy Warbucks came along, oh man did the sun come out that day!" the Professor said with a knowing smile.

Hermione wasn't sure she wanted to break her own old heart and tried to divert the slightly delusional Professor. "Do you remember your time at Hogwarts?"

Minerva shook her head. "I'm almost certain I went, but the Headmaster has no record of it. But since I cannot remember it, it's not like I can prove him wrong."

Hermione sat there in thought looking at 'Minnie' curiously.

Minerva could tell she was thinking something. "Why do you ask this anyway? I recognize that look. You're mulling something over."

Hermione looked at her carefully. "Why don't you show me your animagus form? And I'll show you something that will make this easier." Minerva looked at her extremely curiously. She morphed into her kitty state and looked up at the young Gryffindor. Her kitty eyes widened when she saw her transform into an animagus form that appeared identical to her own. She couldn't hold in the kitty cat squawk, and popped back into her normal Professor form. "You bit Professor Lupin on the ass!"

Hermione popped back into her normal form and blushed. She wasn't sure how the Professor knew that but Hermione was obliged to nod and agree.

Minerva was beginning to piece together what Hermione has been wondering. "Wait, you asked if animagus forms could be identical, and you …. I mean… Do you think you're me!"

Hermione's face scrunched up in frustration. "That's what I was hoping to find out! But it sounds like you don't even know either!"

"Oh dear. That seems….oh my. So all my childhood memories are lies? Implanted by whoever obliviated me?"

Hermione nodded.

"Leaping Lizards! Merlin….I don't….well, shouldn't we have identical magical signatures or something?"

"Yes we should."

"And?"

"We don't. But they're close."

"Are we related?"

"I don't know. But honestly, I think someone managed to change our magical signature."

"How could that be possible? You'd have to be ridiculously powerful and skilled to do that."

"I think we both should ask our best friends that. Because I think they might be the same too."

"What! You think …. You think Albus is-"

"HARRY BLOODY POTTER!" Minerva and Hermione both jumped at the voice booming through the castle. Hermione was about to answer when she heard "Get in my office now!" She waited a second and opened her mouth to speak again. "Bitch!" She snapped her mouth shut angrily and waited through ten seconds of silence.

"Yes I think he might be. They're both ridiculously powerful and have the sanity of an abused house elf. And Ron we think is Aberforth."

"Aberforth! That dirty old goat is always hitting on me!" Minerva exclaimed indignantly.

"You never hooked up with him? Or had a family?" Hermione had a bit of a fearful look on her face.

Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Nope. Without my memories I never knew who I might be in love with. Although, not for a lack of Aberforth's trying. Crazy coot has knocked on my door naked at 1 AM more times than I could count."

Hermione's shoulders slumped. "Crap. That sucks."

Minerva inquired, "What's wrong now?"

Hermione explained begrudgingly to the woman she was convinced was her older self. "Ron was my back-up. If I couldn't have love, I figured I could always have Ron. Now I see I'm playing second fiddle to some goats."

Minerva wasn't sure how to respond to that one. "Yes well, in fairness, Aberforth's goats are very pretty goats. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "If I'm being hard on anyone, it's you Professor."

Minerva just shook her head. "This seems so impossible, but it does make a modicum of sense. I think I need to interrogate Albus once he's thoroughly drunk."

Hermione got up. "I should probably be going. Thank you for the talk Professor. And don't worry. I don't blame me for having to sleep with either Dumbledore brother to get our answers. Or both. At the same time."

Hermione walked towards the door and paused once more. "Sorry we've been pranking you and making you break down. I asked for this conversation now to keep a small lunchtime prank from killing you." She finished with a slight smile.

Minerva paled at that. She shook her head and tried to maintain some dignity. "Good day Miss Granger."

When the bossy little know-it-all finally left the room, Minerva let out a loud sigh and massaged her temples as she felt a headache coming on. 'Some day bitch. Some day I will get my revenge.'

_**

* * *

**_


	21. Hairy Harry? Or MiniMinnie?

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE – Hairy Harry? Or Mini-Minnie?**

"Well Mini-Minnie? Are you officially Mini-Minnie? Or just Mini-Minnie to us?"

Hermione scrunched her face in frustration. "I…I'm not sure. But it seems a lot more likely now."

Ron was surprised. "You wouldn't tell yourself? Man you must like pissing you off."

Hermione snapped a vicious glare at Ron. "Someone's begging for a beating and a bleating." She said with a hiss.

Ron backed down and tried to calm down the angry little transfiguration professor.

"The only reason I'm not sure, is because Professor McGonagall isn't sure. It seems logical, but she's been obliviated of her childhood and there isn't records of her attending Hogwarts, even though she sort of thinks she did."

Ghostly Tom spoke up. "I didn't do it."

Everyone turned to him.

Tom shrugged. "I know I'd be a candidate and I'm just preemptively denying it. Not me. She wasn't a student in my time or a teacher."

Sirius added. "She was already Head of Gryffindor and Transfiguration Professor by my time. So I guess Mini-Minnie you went back at least 30 years but not more than 60. How old is Minerva anyway? Like a thousand?"

They all gave Sirius an odd look.

"Hey I was never good in math. That's why you keep Moony around."

Harry spoke up. "We're not sure and it's not exactly the kind of thing you can safely ask a lady. Hey Padfoot, how old was she when you humped her leg?"

"Beats me, though prob…err you know about that?" He finished with a blush.

Ginny got a wicked smirk. "We might have shared the picture with the entire school at breakfast once. Come to think of it, that spurred Minnie's first breakdown. Well this year at least. Found out some interesting things involving a homosexual giant squid at that breakfast."

Sirius smiled in remembrance. "Ahh the blissful ignorance of youth."

"And a naked headmaster."

Sirius made a pained face. "The moment youth officially ended." Harry nodded with that assessment.

Sirius just frowned and shook his head. "I think I need to lie down." And with that he disappeared.

Ginny spoke up. "I'm not sure he realizes he's a ghost still. But Tom you seem to be adjusting pretty well."

"Luckiest Bugger Ever over there knocked me into a similar form for over a decade. Not like I haven't practiced."

Everyone smiled remembering that. Harry smiled the most though. Tom just rolled his eyes.

Ron looked at Hermione. "So I guess we need Snatch to interrogate his old self, the Headmaster, to find out if you're old you?"

"Potter? Is Dumbledore?" Tom said with wide eyes. "Really?"

"No Tom. I'm not. That's just ridiculous. These guys have just been smoking crack and trying to piss me off."

"Don't discount it too quickly Potter. It makes some sense."

"Not you too Tom. Somehow I hate you even more. Honestly, you've had the link to my head. You know what my life has been. You really think if I was the barmy old coot I wouldn't have stopped you back when you were a student? You think this timeline is worth protecting when I could have ended you before you ever started?"

"Yeah that's true. I suppose you could have been obliviated as well, but I doubt a memory charm could stick on your thick head."

"Thank you." Harry said. "I think."

Just then they were interrupted by the arrival of another ghost. "Harry! Entertaining other handsome ghosts and you didn't even invite me. Shame on you."

They all looked a bit worried. Harry let out a panicked "Err sorry Myrtle. Must have forgotten."

"Excuse my horribly mannered forgetful friend over there. I am Miss Beach. Though my friends call me Myrtle." She said with a sultry voice and a wink.

"Err charmed my dear, but we've actually met before. I'm To-" and Tom was interrupted by everyone in the room clearing their throat quite loudly.

Myrtle looked at him closer. "You do look familiar. Did we go to school together maybe?"

The Marauders were looking at each other with apprehension all over their faces.

"Yes actually we did Myrtle. I'm Tom Riddle. We had a few classes together before your … umm unfortunate accident. And I really should say I am truly sorry about that."

"Oh it wasn't your fault Tom, but I'm having trouble placing you still….you…hmm. Wait! Oh my god! Marv!"

Tom bowed his head in shame at his hated old nickname.

"Marv! That is you! My goodness, you grew up nicely. I haven't heard from you in forever."

The Marauder's were looking at each other snickering at the Dark Lord Marv.

"Shut up Potter. And yes Myrtle, I did have a pretty fun run there until my unfortunate death. But hey, painless and quick is hard to complain about."

"Couldn't agree with you more Marv. So what brings you around here? Going to be sticking around a while?" she said eyeing him up and down.

Tom was getting a bit uncomfortable under the scrutiny. "Err actually it looks like I'll be sticking with Potter for the rest of time. Lucky me, eh?" He said with a mirthless chuckle looking at the Marauders for help.

Ginny felt a little retribution was due. "Wait Marv, is this the Myrtle you wrote about in your diary? Somehow I must have never put the two together."

Tom looked frightened but knew he wouldn't hear the end of it from his therapist if he didn't take anything the youngest Weasley gave him. Well for at least a year to even it up some. "That's right you had my diary. Man those things just aren't as secret these days as they used to be."

"It's not like I meant to Marv. I just stumbled across it." She said with an evil smile. "And anyways, you never did settle down did you? Almost like what you were waiting for was already gone, wouldn't you say?"

Tom was getting a bit scared.

Myrtle jumped at this. "A fine specimen like yourself still single? That's just madness Marv." She had hooked her arm to float through where his was. They couldn't really touch each other, but it was just common courtesy.

"Since you're going to be hanging around here for a little while Marv, why don't you let me show you around some of the best ghost spots." Myrtle said licking her lips. Tom thought about it and figured he'd be better off away from anything Harry or Ginny would be saying.

"I'd be delighted. Thank you Myrtle." The pair floated away, although Tom turned around to give them all an angry stare. The Marauders all smiled and waved and said in unison "Bye Marv!"

"You know Marv, they say nothing beats a sunset sitting on the Beach." Myrtle was heard saying with a wicked undertone.

'Oh man it's going to be a long eternity.' Tom thought.

* * *

The Headmaster was enjoying his drunken stupor and dreams of a nymph in the Forbidden Forest with a lemon drop clitoris. 

"Wake up you barmy old coot!" Minerva yelled with a kick to his ribs.

Albus was slowly coming to.

"Get up now or I'm stepping on your other so-called Deputy Headmaster!"

"Minerva! Please. I was having the most wonderful dream."

"Lemon drop nipples don't even make sense you ingrate. Sour milk is sour milk."

"No Minnie, it wasn't that it was..." Albus paused here and thought Minerva probably wouldn't appreciate his dream. "Nevermind. Why are you here threatening my livelihood?"

"Sit up and look me in the eye." The irate transfiguration professor demanded. He got up and sat at his desk while Minerva settled herself opposite him.

"Now tell me the truth. Did you obliviate me?"

Albus eyes widened and his peaceful mask faltered.

"You bastard! You've been Harry all along! Why? What's the point of lying to me all my life!"

"Minerva, I'm well aware of my condition, although I am curious what brought this on. Part of our agreement was always for me to obliviate you. And what broke through the charm anyway?"

"You've been obliviating me all along! For how long? This is beyond unacceptable!"

"It's only been since I've needed your help, and it's only been when you request it."

"When I request it? And what the devil does this have to do with you being Potter?"

Albus looked at his transfiguration professor wondering what psychotropic substances the Marauders had given her. "Excuse me?"

"Hermione Granger told me the truth!"

"She knows about me?"

"She suspects. And you being Harry would explain an awful lot."

"What exactly does it explain?"

"My whole life for one! As well as why you're so barmy! You've driven yourself crazy I'm sure."

Albus paused and thought about this conversation. "I think the alcohol made me lose track there. What are we talking about again?"

Minerva was getting enraged. "We're talking about how I'm Hermione Granger and you're Harry Potter, you obliviating menace!"

Albus knew he shouldn't do it. He knew it was wrong. But a chuckle escaped from his lips. He was giggling and the veins on his Deputy Headmistress's head were throbbing so much it made the situation even funnier. Finally he just dropped his head behind his desk and grabbed some more firewhiskey. He poured Minnie a large glass, and then proceeded to chug some from the bottle for himself.

"My apologies. I believe we were separated by a common language there. I am not Harry Potter, Minerva. I fear what those Marauders have done to make you think that. I was under the impression you were being withheld from their lunchtime prank but it sounds like we both have been duped." Albus said with as placating and serene a tone as he could manage.

"You're not?"

"Heavens Minerva, why would you think that? Time travel beyond a day is not possible as far as I know. Why would you think you're Hermione Granger?"

Minerva had the decency to blush. "You know how much I wonder about my childhood. And well … I was just so surprised to see her animagus form was identical to mine. That shouldn't be possible. And then you seemed as off the deep end as Mr. Potter often is. And apparently Mr. Weasley has a somewhat unnatural predilection towards goats, much like Aberforth. It just made sense."

Albus smiled at her still struggling with his giggles some.

"Alright, alright. I see how ridiculous it sounds now. I guess I just wanted to know more about my youth." Minerva was smiling and giggling a little at the absurdity of it all now herself. "I think Miss Granger may be even harder to convince as I was. She seems to believe this to be true."

"She has a very logical mind, and I'm sure she will see sense too, once you grab her firmly and rub her nose in it." Albus said with a nod.

Minerva wasn't sure she appreciated that analogy. "But wait a minute. Why did you say you were Harry and obliviated me then?"

Albus looked a bit sheepish. "Ahh, well, we're about a week early, but if you'd like we could take care of it now. It is one of the curses I suffered in Grindelwald's final few weeks. I have an abnormal growth of magic resistant hair all down my back and a little further than that too. It requires a care I cannot give it, and you've been kind enough to shave me once a month for the past few decades."

Minerva face had completely blanched and she was feeling quite ill.

"You always ask me to obliviate you afterwards." Albus said with a sheepish shrug. "And that's why I didn't deny being hairy and obliviating you."

Minerva slowed her breathing down a bit at the mental images that apparently survived the previous obliviations. "Albus, let's put this off as long as possible, and please obliviate me again."

"I figured as much. _Obliviate!_" Albus incanted and went back to his drinking. Minerva got up and went back to her classroom with a more common and peaceful demeanor.

Unfortunately, Albus neglected to give Minerva any memories after obliviating her, so she merely had a blank over the past few hours. She forgot her conversation with Albus, she forgot his condition, and she even forgot her lunch with Hermione Granger. This is one of the main rules to always remember about memory charms: Never Drink and Obliviate. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Usually Alastor. Though he lost his first wife that way too.

_**

* * *

**_

_**Author's Note**: I'm trying here. All the ideas coming to me these days are out of anger of all the crappy stories I've read. I get little OMAKEs I cannot avoid because of the wrongness of other stories. And as cathartic as scenes like that are, it would be too easy to fall into making this pure spiteful parody. Which I may still do anyway. Anyways, here's the latest chapter. Got more than twice as many reviews for 20, than for 19, so I guess people still want more. I'll try and maintain at least once a week a new chapter. Maybe more when inspiration hits._

_Example omake that appeases my rage:_

Harry giggled and smiled at the beauty in Ginny he had never noticed before this summer.

"After you, milady" He said with a bow as he held the door for her.

Ginny grabbed Harry by the shoulders and shook the shit out of him. "GOD DAMMIT MAN WHAT IS WITH YOU!"

Tonks just had a calm look on her face. "Harry. I'm only saying this once. If you ever say 'milady' again, I'm going to fucking kill you. End of story. I'll cut you, I'll gut you, I'll suffocate you with your own testicles. Just… don't."

Ron shook his head in sadness "Seriously mate. Cedric said it once, and well…he got what he deserved."

Colin Creevey runs up to the confused fluffy young romantic boy and decks him as hard as he can. "Die slow Potter. Die slow and painful." He finished by spitting on him.

Hermione had a vindictive evil look on her face. "I swear to Merlin, I'd find some incontrovertible proof that Snape is your father. I know it's not really likely or possible but I would find a way."

Ginny spoke up "You shouldn't speak ill of the dead."

Ron looked confused. "Snape's not dead, is he?"

"No but Harry's mum is, and well, honestly, it's a lot more likely his mum was a hermaphrodite and is both Harry's mum and dad, than to ever imply someone actually had to physically touch Snape in any way. Let alone _those_ pieces of him." She finished with a shudder, turned her head and projectile vomited.

The ghost of Sirius added "Actually, it's not even scientifically possible for Snape to be anyone's father."

Hermione looked a little disappointed she couldn't torture Harry into the sweet release only suicide would provide over this. "What do you mean?"

Sirius got a sheepish look and winced a bit. "Well, in 7th year I did a bit of a prank on him that involved vanishing his clothes just before he sat on some crazy glue. Turns out he doesn't even have the parts. There was nothing there. He's not even really a he or a she. It's an it. A bitter, sarcastic, weak, greasy, worthless excuse of a human. A lot of people say he's the reason Roe beat Wade." Sirius finished with a shrug.

The Marauders all nodded thinking this sounded quite logical.


	22. They Call Me Remussy

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**

* * *

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO – They Call Me Remussy**

"Snatch! What is your major malfunction!" Hermione yelled.

Harry panicked and looked towards Ron and Ginny for help.

"You obliviated me again!" Hermoine explained.

Harry was confused. "No I didn't. I've never obliviated you. For that matter I've never obliviated anyone."

"Not you. Old you. The Headmaster."

"What?"

"I just talked with Professor McGonagall. She had no idea about our earlier conversation."

Harry was confused. "Really?"

Hermione nodded.

Harry frowned. "Sounds like something is up. But I'm telling you, I'm not the Headmaster. That's the crack talking."

Harry saw he was going to get no help and Hermione was still upset with him. "Fine. I'll talk to the barmy old coot and find out what's going on."

* * *

He looked down at his costume and saw his utility belt was stocked. He had his small whip in hand and was waiting to follow to his partner's lead. 

"Remussy, I's going to unleash this whoop-ass can and open it! Watch my back!"

He didn't need to be told. There was only one thing he enjoyed more than watching his partner, Cissy Chaos, the Avenging Topless Elf's back. And that was watching her front.

"Oh be careful Cissy. The evil doctor has some nefarious plans tonight."

Showing no fear, Cissy leapt into action. Time seemed to slow down with every running and gentle bouncing step she took. Remussy remained alert and on the lookout for danger.

An evil cackle echoed throughout the abandoned warehouse. "You will never get the antidote in time! The world is mine! Muhahaha!"

Cissy grabbed a firm hold on her can and popped her top. This was always Remussy's favorite part. She raised it up in the air. "Doctor Doombledore! It's over! We confiscated all the poisoned lemon drops. The only thing that's yours is a nice padded cell. And this whoop can of ass." She twisted her body back and forth looking for the source of the noise. Remussy kept his focus on her popped top and missed the evil doctor walking calmly away behind him.

Ten minutes later the only sound to be heard was Remussy's heavy breathing.

"Curses Remussy! Me thinks he got away!"

"You're probably right Cissy. I don't know how he does it." Remussy came out from behind a random but terribly conveniently placed barrel.

A loud clatter was heard and Remussy tackled Cissy to the floor. "I'll cover you!"

Cissy was looking around for the source of the distraction and saw a cat scurrying away.

"It's okay Remussy. It was just a cat."

Remussy barely heard her though as his face was buried in the place he had most wanted to put it.

"You can stop covering me now. The evil cat is out of range." Cissy explained to her partner.

Remussy reluctantly stood up and pulled up Cissy too. "Well you sure avenged him, Cissy."

"Somehow, I don't think we've heard the last of Dr. Doombledore."

"Whenever he rears his ugly head, we'll be there, Cissy. And we'll stop him." Remussy said with pride.

"I hope yous right Remussy. I hope yous right." She said with an impassive face and a nod. She turned her attention to her partner. "So you up for massaging my funbags? I'm feeling a bit taut."

Professor Lupin woke up sweating. He groaned and realized he had had the same dream. Again. And he promised himself he'd talk to someone about it if it happened a thirteenth time. He knew he should have stopped counting.

"Harry would you mind staying after class?" the Defense Professor asked. The rest of the sixth year Gryffindors and Slytherins left the room.

"Alright Moony. What's up?" Harry asked.

Sirius appeared. "Sweet mama! Moony, you're blushing!"

Remus blushed a bit more. "I am not! You're crazy, Padfoot."

Tom appeared. "You're right about Padfoot, but methinks dost protest too much."

Remus winced a bit. It was still a bit disconcerting seeing a representation of the Dark Lord who is more playful prankster than anything else. "I shouldn't be doing this."

Sirius let out a whistle. "Oh this is going to be good. Come on, Moony. What's up?"

Remus looked up at Harry. "I've been having a recurring dream."

Tom nodded in sympathy. "Is it about a dark evil spirit wanting to join with you and go torture some muggle babies and bath in their blood?"

Remus looked horrified. "Umm…no?"

Tom looked a bit sheepish. "Oh. Never mind then."

Sirius smiled excitedly. "So who is she? And how many times have you had to change the sheets?"

"Ewww!" Harry exclaimed. "Padfoot, bad!"

Remus frowned a bit and remained silent.

Harry noticed this. "Oh Moony. Tell me that's not the point of this."

Remus looked up at Harry and still remained silent. Harry began quietly whining.

Tom smiled. "So come on. Spill all the gory details."

Remus sighed a bit. "She's my partner in a crime-fighting duo. Cissy Chaos, the Avenging Topless Elf."

Harry looked thoughtful bringing one of the delightful mental images to the fore of his mind.

Sirius whooped loudly. "Narcissa? Nice choice Moony! She's aged damn well! You go, wolf-boy."

Harry looked at Sirius aghast. "That's your cousin!"

Sirius shrugged. "I was raised pureblood."

Tom added. "Many older families like to keep their money in the family. And by money, I mean-"

Remus yelled out "Yes. Thank you. We get it."

Harry seemed a bit indignant. "That just seems gross." He added after some thought, "Unless it's with some random Boy-Who-Lived and it's like twin sisters maybe." He was remembering the part-Veela Delacours. "Or regular sisters." He seemed to be thinking deeply, "Or the right mother-daughter combo would work."

Remus was looking at Harry a bit oddly.

Sirius understood exactly where Harry was coming from. "So come on Moony. What happens in this dream?"

Remus rolled his eyes and reluctantly repeated the dream.

"Remussy? Your name is Remussy?" Harry asked.

Remus closed his eyes. "That's what she calls me. But I have a feeling my full secret identity's name is Remussy Galore."

Harry and the ghosts all raised an eyebrow at that one. This was not your normal run of the mill recurring house elf sex dream.

"I think the wolf in me wants to mate." Remus explained.

Harry took a step back to be on the safe side. "And you're telling me this now because Cissy is my property?"

Remus looked a bit hopeful and shrugged.

Harry was getting a bit upset. "So what? You're like my neighbor asking to borrow my mower? Wanna take her for a ride and see how she handles around your hedges? Is that it?"

Remus winced at Harry's tone. "It's not like that. She thinks she's an elf and your opinion means more to her than her own does."

"Oh so, you're just buying my favor so I'll tell her to rub her funbags on you." Harry nearly laughed allowed saying 'funbags'. He maintained his irate appearance.

"No! No. I'm not trying to buy anything. I just need… you… " Remus trailed off as Harry was struggling to keep the smile off his face.

Harry couldn't take it and just blurted out again, "Funbags!"

Remus frowned. "You're making fun of me! Dammit Snatch. Just tell her, if she wants to or chooses to, that she is _allowed_ to go out with me."

Harry was just laughing at the discomfort he had put Remus through. He thought it might be fun to compound it. "Cissy!"

With a pop, the Potions professor appeared. "Yes, Master?"

Harry kept his eyes on the frightened Remus. "Would you like to date Moony?"

Remus groaned. Cissy looked slightly confused. "Cissy not sure Cissy understand you, Master. What do you want Cissy to do?"

"I'm asking you if you would like to use your free time to engage in a relationship with Defense Professor." Harry explained.

"Harry, don't do this." Remus pleaded.

"Like Dobby and Winky, Master?" Cissy asked.

Harry snickered. "Not exactly like Dobby and Winky necessarily, but similarly, yes."

Cissy smiled brightly at Remus. "Cissy would like that very much, Master."

Harry smiled at the frustrated old Marauder in front of him.

Cissy clarified. "Cissy has seen what Dobby can do for Winky. Dobby's amazing. Cissy could use some of that."

Remus looked a bit concerned.

Harry was quick to point out, "I'm not sure the mechanics are going to be quite the same."

Cissy's face fell. "Oh. Okay, Master. Cissy understands woman body versus house elf body." She nodded sadly. "Cissy just been feeling taut lately and wanted her funbags rubbed down."

Remus's head perked right up. "I can do that." He was a bit distracted to see Tom and Sirius were hiding behind Cissy and periodically sticking their heads and hands through her to appear to be bursting out her cleavage or breasts.

Cissy smiled brightly. "Wonderful! Can you do Cissy now? Or should Cissy get back to the class Cissy's teaching?"

Harry's eyes widened and looked to Remus with his 'oops' face. "You should probably get back to class."

She disappeared with a pop and Harry suddenly realized what she had done. "Cissy!"

She quickly reappeared. "Yes Master?"

"Tell the class you have a faulty emergency portkey and that's why you disappeared. You're not supposed to be able to apparate in Hogwarts."

"Okay Master." And she popped away again.

Harry just looked a bit sheepish and smiled at Remus.

* * *

"Enter, Harry." The voice from inside called. 

"Is this a bad time? I just wanted to ask you a couple things if you're not busy." Harry said.

Albus sat back in his chair. "I always have time for you. So, been practicing any evil black magics since we last talked?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "One time. It was one small time. It is not an addiction."

Albus frowned. "I see you are still struggling in the first stage of denial."

Harry glared at the old man.

"I want to help you Harry, but first you must help yourself."

"Anyway," Harry said with a raised voice. "Did you obliviate Professor McGonagall?"

Albus paused and considered the surprising question. "She is a very dear friend and colleague, Harry. The times you are referring to have always been at her request."

Harry was shocked. "What? Why?"

Albus frowned. "That is her private business and choice. Why are you asking me this?"

Harry relaxed a bit. "Oh. It's Hermione. She talked to the Professor about the possibility of Hermione going into the past and becoming the Professor. Next day, she had no clue about the conversation and Hermione thinks you and I are now the same obliviate-happy menace."

Albus's eyes widened. "Oh dear. That was not my intention."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Minerva approached me about it, our personal business was discussed, and she asked me to obliviate her of the personal business again. I fear I may have had a bit too much to drink. Actually, thinking about it, I think I was in the act of drinking when I obliviated her." Albus winced. "If she remembered what I'd done she'd be real pissed at me."

Harry chuckled a bit.

"You can assure Miss Granger that, as far as I know, a few hours is the maximum anyone has ever time traveled." Albus explained.

"Thank you sir. And I was also wondering what the rules are on relationships among the staff? Or for that matter staff members and student's personal property?" Harry subtly asked.

"Professor Chaos has a suitor?" Albus asked curiously.

Harry nodded. "She's going to have Moony rubbing her funbags."

Albus sighed. "Filius will be heartbroken."

Harry cocked an eyebrow. "I thought Professor Flitwick was married?"

"Are you kidding?" Albus asked incredulously. "Have you not seen how happy he is?"

_**

* * *

Author's Note**: This was the last chapter I've written for this story. Without a plot, it just kind of ambled a while and then I got other story ideas in my head. Primarily the _Where in the World_ universe took over most of my humorous scenes. Reviews are still appreciated.  
_


End file.
